Counting Coup
by BostonRocket
Summary: This story is designed to get our girls together with the pace of what I hope is a deliciously slow burn. Credit to Tess Gerritsen for imagining these magical characters. Thank you for the opportunity to play at the edges of your realm. Massive credit to Inappropriate-sugartits and joiedevivre2011 for their constant hand-holding, support and advice.
1. Chapter 1, Reckless

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch1, ****_Reckless_**

_Jane Rizzoli, the epitome of a bad-ass detective, admired by her peers, role model to recruits, hero to all, felt a heavy burden on her heart. How could she continue to maintain the façade? It had been six years since the serial killer, Hoyt, tortured her with his twisted, deranged idea of fun and made Detective Rizzoli a victim. She survived that experience, for the most part. Her reckless streak finally caught up with her that day. _

_During her struggle to become whole again after that horrific ordeal, she met a woman, redemption from an angel in human form, if such a being could ever exist. Jane had never met anyone like her. Finally, Jane had someone to cherish, to put before herself and to protect. Her name was Maura. Maura seemed to need Jane. And Jane liked to feel needed. _She'd tried to be more careful in her dangerous job for a good long while after._ Maura's charm won Jane's heart, but there came a point where Jane realized that what she truly wanted with Maura could never be. The one person with whom she might possibly be able to give over to entirely to finally find peace and love was so completely unavailable that Jane had only allowed herself to dream of it. It simply could never ever be. And that broke Jane's heart._

_Since the day Jane gave in to the futility of her wish with Maura, Jane had endeavored to be what the world expected her to be; to make up for past mistakes and to forget the biggest loss she'd ever felt. That emptiness stayed with her in every moment. Every day. Constantly. She did everything she could to run from that emptiness and performing in the role of hero helped fill that void, if only a little. Jane held the pretense of champion very well. Everyone believed her. But after a while, the job, the incessant pressure to perform, the pointlessness of a never ending roster of death and mayhem had destroyed Jane's belief in the goodness of humanity. What was it all for? She was outnumbered. It would take a million lifetimes to achieve what she so greatly needed to accomplish. Jane's drive to bring closure to the lost lives of loved ones left behind after murderous tragedy squeezed their souls had desensitized Jane in a way. _

_Almost like a drug addict seeking that elusive sensation of the first high, Jane's compulsion pushed her harder and harder to bring the bad guys to justice. She'd begun to take risks she never considered before. To Jane, what did it matter anyway? She believed she would never have the life she truly wanted. She could never have her dreams come true. She felt as though the only way to make her life have meaning and be all that was expected of her was to be completely selfless, to sacrifice herself for all she once believed in. She would be that, the hero. _

_This is where this story begins._

In this moment, after Jane entered the building where the latest suspect in a triple-homicide was holed up, she found herself hiding behind a heavy steel desk in an old dusty warehouse at the edge of Dorchester. She was surrounded by at least half a dozen members of H Block, a Boston street gang, as far as she could tell from her cramped hiding place. She had gone in on a hunch that the suspected murderer Ciaran "Mackers" McMahon had been in the area. Her hunch proved correct, but her decision to enter alone proved reckless.

Jane texted her newly assigned rookie partner the address before she went in, but didn't have much faith in the new guy so she didn't bother to wait for him. From the darkness under that desk she composed another text and sent to her trusted mentor and once partner, Sergeant Detective Vince Korsak, to let him know her position and situation and hoped that he'd send back up. She huddled under that desk needing them to arrive before she was discovered. This time, Jane knew she'd gone too far taking risks and now she was about to be found out by some really bad guys. Jane had made a mistake, one based on pride. Jane really hated the idea of breaking in a new partner after her most recent partner, Detective Frost, had found a senior detective position in North Carolina near his mother. And so here she was, hiding like a scared mouse, outnumbered and alone.

She moved tighter under the desk as if to make herself small as the thugs moved into the room. She sat soundless, motionless, listening and hoping. Foolish foolishness is all she could think to herself. She was angry that she'd been making such bad decisions and this decision to go at it alone might be her last. She listened, barely breathing, while they carried Mackers' unmoving body into the room and laid him with a thump on top of the desk. From the context of the conversation and by the amount of blood continuing to drip and pool beneath the desk, he had been shot and wasn't gonna make it. The pool of blood grew and crept closer to Jane and finally reached the soles of her black heeled boots as she hid silently, unmoving. The men argued about the details of dividing up the 'business' with Mackers McMahon gone while he laid there, dying.

Jane wondered if he was aware enough to hear them divide up his carcass for a feast. Meanwhile, he just bled out. She had them all on conspiracy and aiding and abetting a murderer not even counting their revelation about weapons shipment routes and drop locations. But for now, she was only one. There was nothing she could do other than pray herself invisible, so she listened.

Suddenly, the men scurried like the rats they were at the sound of approaching sirens. With their leader surely dying on that desk, they'd left a barely breathing Mackers behind. But even without personally arresting every single one, Jane had them. She'd recorded the entire conversation with video from her cell phone.

Afterward, Vince Korsak, her former partner and mentor in homicide, berated her recklessness to her in private. Korsak marched Jane to an empty interrogation room. Jane knew what was coming before Korsak said a single word. "Sit down Jane. We need to talk." He moved to the other side of the worn metal table and sat down. "Jane, why, after all that's happened, did you go into that building without backup? What were you thinking? Since Frost left you've been acting like a lone wolf. It is not a good idea, Jane." He glared at her with his steely blue eyes. "I shouldn't have to be saying this to you. You're no rookie!"

Jane stared back silently, a remorseful look on her face. She respected Korsak. She knew he was only looking out for her. He always did. But she said nothing.

"Jane why are you behaving so irresponsibly? Why put yourself in danger?" He adjusted himself in his chair and leaned toward Jane across the table. His tone less angry now, pleading, "Jane, a lot of us care about you. Think of that, think of your mother, your brothers." He wanted to say Maura, but he knew that would reveal too much of his detective's intuition and possibly send Jane into a fit of rage. "No one wants to see you get hurt." The wooden chair creaked as he leaned back and tossed his pencil onto the table. Jane listened to the sound of the pencil rolling across the metal desk and watched it roll to a stop just an inch from the edge. Her eyes turned up to look at him. Resigned he huffed, "As your senior officer, I should write you up."

Jane dropped her head at the last statement. He was right and she knew it. No matter how much she believed in the seasoned detective who had become one of her most trusted confidants, Jane couldn't confess her obsession to Korsak. He'd have her evaluated and she might lose her position. She couldn't stop what she was doing either, she needed to catch bad guys. It was in her. It was who she was. It was all she had left that truly belonged to her.

Jane lifted her head and spoke to Korsak, "I'm sorry if you think my behavior is reckless, but I'm effective. I catch these guys and the charges stick, Korsak. If we all followed every damned rule, nothing would ever get done. The bad guys don't follow rules. Vince, more bad guys would be out there if I didn't follow _my_ rules. If every cop acted the way you want, we would never win!"

The implication that Jane hadn't been following procedure set off all the alarms in Korsak's head. Jane was heading for something terrible. "Jane, I just want you to be safe. Sure, get the bad guys, that is why we're all here but do it right, by the book, ok? and can you be more careful? This performance could have seen you killed."

Jane glared back at Korsak's angry eyes in the silence that followed his words. Jane knew he was right. She knew this last event was too close for comfort. Even she recognized how stupid she had behaved by going in alone. Korsak was still looking at Jane and he stood up. "Jane, follow me." He lead her to his desk and motioned for her to sit down. He slid the top center drawer back and reached in to pull out a small wooden box. From the box he removed a small key. Jane looked puzzled. "Jane, this key belonged to someone I knew a long time ago. He was my friend. He was also my partner. I was a rookie then and he taught me a lot. But Jane, he got too caught up in the job and ended up doing something almost exactly like what you did today. He wasn't as lucky, Jane. He went in alone and the bad guys found him and tortured him. His body was found three days after. He died, Jane. He got himself killed for trying to do too much on his own. I keep this key in my desk to remind me to not be him, to not be reckless." Jane's heart was beating hard in her chest. She stared back. She didn't know what to say. She knew she'd pushed the limits. But she just could not stop doing her job, her way. Jane nearly knocked the chair over as she stood, "I'm not him!" She stormed over to her own desk. Korsak sat shaking his head. He loved Jane in his own way. He could see she was wound too tightly and was concerned she was about to break. He'd keep a good watch out for her. But he worried.

Other police officers and detectives entered the bullpen after the news broke of the arrests. They wanted to congratulate Jane on her big catch. Jane sat in her chair. If the people at the station knew what Jane had done, entering the building alone, not waiting for her partner, they didn't show it. Korsak must have run interference for her and kept that fact under wraps. Jane's recording was enough to arrest and prosecute five members of the gang as well as the murderer himself, assuming he'd survive. Jane knew that if he did survive it was due to her presence there that day. She hated that because of her a creepy, murdering, gun-running bad guy might get to live. Then she started hating on herself for wishing death to anyone, but the slaps on the back and congratulatory handshakes were coming steadily.

Another close call. They were all getting to be close calls. At least she didn't actually bleed this time. Even so, Detective Rizzoli's reputation for delivering was still intact.

Jane began to get down on herself and feel guilt over the praise thrown her way by the department, again. In her mind, that praise was for doing something stupid, again. Jane had had enough of sitting around listening to all the praise and was about to just leave the station for awhile to avoid all the congratulations but then she heard the musical staccato sound of high heels on tiled floors. Maura. In walked the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts to offer her own congratulations to the very effective detective.

Every time Jane saw Dr. Maura Isles walk into a room she thought that woman must have come with her own personal sun lighting her golden hair, walking in as if she was placed here on earth by God's own hand, just in that moment, with heavenly stardust surrounding her as she moved.

Dr. Isles walked directly to the slightly embarrassed detective, "Jane, I heard about your success and the multiple arrests. You are incredible, I hope you know this." Maura absolutely glowed toward Jane. "I would love to take you out for a celebration if you will allow me to make plans for us."

At the invitation, Jane almost expected Maura to lean in for a kiss, but no. That was simply Jane's wishful thinking in her alternate universe that existed only in her mind. She'd created a fantasy she kept locked away in her mind where they were both happily together in a loving committed relationship. In that other reality, Jane and Maura shared a home, pets and a rare joy seldom seen. They were planning a family. These thoughts were Jane's mental exercise to diffuse the utter loneliness and pain she'd been feeling over her inability have the love and happiness she so desperately wanted.

She wished all these thoughts about a life with Maura weren't so impossible.

Shaking it all from her mind, Jane awkwardly replied, "I am not incredible, Maura. I am doing my job, nothing more." But inside, Maura's opinion was the only one that mattered to Jane. And, in this moment, Maura approved. Jane's favorite moments in life are when Maura decides to spend time with her. To Jane, these were the only good moments left.

"Well, I would like to celebrate with you despite yourself. So, will you join me?" Maura challenged with her eyes intent on Jane's. Jane could never refuse this woman.

"Yes, Maura, I will join you as long as this event doesn't involve me in a dress or attending some posh event where I'm paraded around like a prize pig."

Maura giggled a bit at Jane's attempt at humor and leaned over as if to speak a secret into Jane's ear, "Jane, I know what you like. I promise I'll make certain you enjoy yourself."

At that, Maura stood and walked away calling back, "I'll pick you up at eight."

Jane's jaw dropped a bit while she listened to the sound of those heels falling quiet as Maura made her way down the hall. This happened quite often, the flirting glances and double entendre. She lived for it, but Jane knew nothing would ever come of it even if she found it enjoyable and intriguing. Maura dated men. She made no effort disprove the fact that she was followed, approached and stalked by, what seemed to Jane, every man on earth. Maura had her pick.

For Jane's part, she managed the occasional date with a man if only to deflect the seemingly constant references to her sexual preference. But, the reality of it all was that Jane's heart was lost to Maura from the moment Maura reached out her hand in introduction. That effervescent smile and professional confidence had owned Jane from the beginning. As Jane got to know more of the nuance and multi-faceted wonder of Maura's personality, Jane found herself so far out to sea over this woman, she knew she may never reach shore again.

She was snapped from her thoughts when Korsak's voice entered her consciousness, "Rizzoli, c'mon, what are you doing, daydreaming? We've got a body. Go find your partner and let's go." Jane grabbed her coat and her partner and off she went to find justice for another victim's family. Even below zero temperatures and a two-foot blanket of snow couldn't smother the criminals in Boston.

~~~~~~~~~~~notable note.

_Ok, we're setting the stage with this chapter and the next. Then, let the games begin! Don't worry, I won't torture our girls too much. Thanks for reading. _


	2. Chapter 2, Counting Coup

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch2, ****_Counting Coup_**

The latest murder victim was a thirty-five year old man. He had been abusing his wife. This history of abuse went as far back as 6 years, which was also incidentally as long as the couple were married. The wife had clocked in countless visits to the emergency room in that time, and the police had been called repeatedly. Today, her husband had come home from his overnight shift at work with whiskey breath and fire in his eyes and he started in on her. She had had enough and bashed his head with an iron skillet. It wasn't until six o'clock that night that Jane and her partner were able to track their murder suspect down at her mother's. Her eyes were nearly swollen shut from his punches. She sat on her mother's couch in tears and willingly confessed to what she'd done to him. She'd bashed his head with that heavy cast iron skillet at least a half-dozen times and held her wrists toward Jane for her to place the handcuffs for the arrest.

Jane reluctantly cuffed her and took her into the precinct. As Jane walked her to processing, she placed a card into the woman's hand. The business card belonged to a criminal defense lawyer who might be able to do something for this woman. "Here, call this guy. He's good. I'm sorry for what your husband did to you. And I'm sorry it came to what it did." Clearly, to Jane, this was self-defense. The law may have seen her as a murderer, but Jane didn't always see just black and white anymore. There was more gray to things than she'd seen in the past.

It was nearly seven o'clock before that case wrapped up and Jane remembered her date, well not really a date, it was something Maura wanted to do for Jane to celebrate her heroics, but in her dream life, tonight was her almost-date with Maura. She had only an hour to prepare and she still had no idea what to wear. The truth of it all, she'd rather just spend a night in with Maura.

She dialed Maura's number and she picked up right away. "Hi Jane, are we still on? I heard your case was running late."

"Well, that's why I was calling Maura. I'm not really up to a big event tonight. What did you have planned anyway?" Jane could always count on Maura to read her mind when it came to nights like this.

"Jane, if you're tired, going out doesn't matter, we can celebrate another time. But would you like to come over instead? We can order in and we can watch something on the television or something on NetFilms. You choose."

"It's Net_Flix_, Maura. And yeah, that sounds a whole lot better to me than having to get dressed up and go out tonight. I can be to your house around eight then? Is that ok?"

"Wonderful Jane. I look forward to seeing you. I'll have the food delivered at eight as well. Is Middle-Eastern ok? Chicken Shawarme, with the usual?"

"Yeah, Maura, that sounds good to me. Thanks, Maura. I'll bring the beer. I'll be there in a bit. See ya. Bye."

"Goodbye, Jane."

Jane drove home to shower the day away and make herself halfway presentable for Maura. Maura went online to select a delivery service through the BostonRocket website but she decided that website has absolutely no value and should be shut down. Under her breath, Maura spoke, "This site is awful. I mean, why waste a perfectly good name on such a garbage website?" She found another resource. Finally, she called the restaurant where she'd booked their reservations and cancelled.

Both women prepared for the visit, they were just happy that they could spend some time together. It didn't matter what they did. It was time they spent together that mattered, to both of them.

Maura kept finding herself more and more drawn into Jane's family life. With Jane's mother living next door and the many meals they spent together with Jane's mother and brothers around the dining table, Maura was grateful for all that Jane had given to her life. To Maura, Jane was truly an amazing, loving and caring person. Jane may put off a rough and tough persona, but Maura liked to think she could see beneath those layers. And she liked what she saw. She sometimes allowed herself to consider what dating Jane might be like. Maura had feelings for Jane but she dared not share that and risk putting this delicate life they'd constructed in peril. Maura could be happy with life as it was. Her yearning for Jane aside, her life was pretty perfect.

It was nights like this though, when they were both alone together and quiet, that she allowed herself that tiny fantasy. Maura thought to herself how the Native American Indians did a thing called Counting Coup. Counting Coup refers to the winning of prestige in battle by the Plains Indians of North America. Warriors won prestige by acts of bravery in the face of the enemy, and these acts could be recorded in various ways and retold as stories. Any blow struck against the enemy counted as a coup, but the most prestigious acts included touching an enemy warrior with the hand, bow, or with a coup stick then escaping unharmed. On these nights with Jane, Maura came dangerously close to harming the delicate balance, of getting too close, of revealing too much. Always a delicious and dangerous game and so far, she'd touched the enemy and escaped unharmed. But even Maura admitted she lost tiny pieces of her heart to Jane each night they spent like this. Maura could not stop her attraction to one Jane Rizzoli.

There was a knock at the door. Maura thought to herself, let the games begin and with a hint of a grin she called out, "Use your key, Jane. I'm in the kitchen." Jane heard Maura's voice from the other side of the door and let herself in. She removed her snowy boots at the door.

She carried some beer and one bottle of wine to the counter where Maura was preparing to plate the food that had just been delivered. "Oh, Jane I see you've brought wine. I actually would like you to try something tonight. It is called Frangelico. We can have some after dinner. Have you ever had it?"

"I don't know, maybe. Can I see the bottle?"

Maura handed Jane a bottle that looked like a little monk with a rope around his waist. "Well, this is different." Jane turned the unusual bottle in her hands.

"Frangelico is a hazelnut liqueur produced in Italy. It is made from a type of hazelnut that grows only there, the Tonda Gentile hazelnut is known for it's larger size and sweeter flavor. Will you have some with me?"

"Sure, let's eat and get this show on the road. "

"Jane, I thought you didn't want to go anywhere tonight, I would have dressed."

"No, Maur, I meant, let's go sit and have dinner and start the movie."

Jane selected something that the two of them would enjoy and they finished their meal enjoying the film and the company. After they were both finished, Jane paused the movie to take the plates to the kitchen. She returned with the Frangelico and two glasses.

"Ok, Jane, just pour an inch into each glass. It tastes so good you'll need to watch your intake."

Jane sipped her drink. "Wow, that _is_ good. What did you call this stuff, Franchesca?"

"Frangelico. The hazelnuts are toasted and distilled with alcohol, then married with other flavoring preparations including cocoa, coffee, vanilla according to the secret recipe passed down from the monks that lived there in the 18th century." Maura gave a sideways glance toward Jane. "Take your time. Just sip it slowly. Let the sweet, sensual flavor roll over and around your tongue. Breathe in a little to allow the essence to saturate your taste-buds so you can savor the nuances in the subtle fragrant palate."

Jane felt a rush run through her body. "Maura, I don't want to have sex with it. Gah, the way you talk sometimes. I do like it though. It makes me feel warm." Jane looked up to Maura, eyes wide. That's not what she meant. "I mean the Frangelico. I like the Frangelico. It makes me feel warm." Jane turned her head away from Maura and rolled her eyes. How did she manage to stick her foot in her mouth so often around Maura?

Maura knew perfectly well what she was doing and stayed on her game. "Jane, that is precisely what it should do. Smooth and flavorful, the liqueur should rouse your senses and make you feel like your insides are on fire with the richness and distinctive properties of this very special spirit."

"I might like this more than beer. Well, maybe not that much, but with you, it's perfect." Jane had a sparkle in her eye as she looked at Maura. Maura realized she got Jane to admit that something was better than beer. She gave a little chuckle.

Maura enjoyed when Jane was so unguarded and relaxed. They both settled back and shared a large blanket on the couch with their feet tucked under and finished the movie.

A few drinks later, Jane needed to go find the bathroom. As soon as she entered the small downstairs powder room, she stepped into a puddle of water on the floor and soaked her sock. "Damnit, what the hell?"

"What is it Jane?"

"Maura, why is there so much water on your bathroom floor?"

"I don't know, Jane. Is something leaking?" Maura stood up from her place in the living room to investigate. Jane was reaching to pick up Bass' water bowl that somehow had been turned upside down.

"It's fine Maura, it was Bass' water bowl. Since when do you keep it in the bathroom? I already cleaned up the water, mostly with my sock." Jane grumbled.

"Oh, I forgot, I had to put Bass in the bathroom while the carpets were being steam-cleaned today. I have an idea. Go back to the couch. I'll be right there."

Jane still hadn't done what she needed to do, "Give me a minute and I will." Maura left Jane in the bathroom and scaled the stairs to get something from her closet.

Jane walked back to the living room, she hated the feel of a cold wet sock. She sat at the couch and poured another glass of Frangelico. It really did taste good. And it really did warm her up. Jane's face felt warm and she could feel the alcohol in her. She knew she should stop.

Maura returned and sat beside Jane, "Here, give me your foot." Jane sat back and lifted her now sock-less foot up to Maura's lap. Maura dried Jane's foot thoroughly with a towel. "I found these wool socks at Quincy Market when they had their street vendor displays. Look, they have these little ridges around the middle. Almost like they give a little hug to your foot." She squeezed the arch of Jane's foot and slid the sock up to above Jane's ankle.

Jane barely heard a word. All she knew was that Maura's hands felt so good on her. Maura rubbed the sock to smooth it over her foot and ankle and reached for the other foot and did the same thing.

"Jane, do you like it? I actually bought these for you months ago."

Jane was mesmerized for a moment. She did like what Maura was doing.

"Jane." Maura imagined that the Frangelico was having an effect on Jane. She looked at the bottle and saw that it was nearly half gone. Jane will be feeling this tomorrow, she thought. Maura shook Jane's legs to get her attention.

"Yes, Maura, I like it, I mean the socks feel great. Thank you Maur. There is nothing worse than the feel of a wet sock." Jane's sarcasm was showing. Maura had her hands resting on top of Jane's legs. Jane pulled her feet from Maura's lap and sat up. The Frangelico gave Jane courage. She leaned over to Maura and whispered. "I never knew how nice it would feel to have you put my socks on me. That might sound silly, but Maura, that was really nice. That is the kind of thing that almost makes someone feel like they are," Jane looked down quickly and hesitated for a second and then looked back. "like they're loved."

Maura drew in a breath at the twinkling in Jane's eyes. Jane's face was so close and it would be so easy to just give her one kiss. Maura's eyes briefly went down to Jane's mouth and returned. Jane's eyes stayed locked on Maura's. They both felt the yearning in the moment. And neither acted on it. Time after time, opportunities missed. Moment after moment of chances to put it all out there. This was enchanting, excruciating torture to both of them. Maura wanted to tell Jane that she would put Jane's socks on everyday if she could, if only to make Jane feel loved. She started to think again maybe Jane was open to the idea of the two of them actually dating. But she pushed that thought aside again as she always did, tonight was not the night to discuss. Not with Jane only partially sober.

Jane wasn't as inebriated as Maura suspected and as for the closeness tonight, Jane knew that these moments were as close as they could ever get to actually being together and only served to fuel the fantasy that lived only in her imagination.

Maura believed Jane had had a bit more to drink than she should have considering she was supposed to drive home tonight. "Jane, it's getting late, would you like me to drive you home?" Then Maura said more hopefully, "Or you can stay here tonight?"

Jane snapped out of the trance she was in. "Um, yeah, I guess I did go overboard with the Frangelico. Next time watch me with that stuff, will ya? If it's all the same to you, Maura, I'd like to stay. No sense in getting out in this weather."

"Jane, I told you it would sneak up on you." she teased. Then Maura thought of the moment they'd just had sitting there together. Another close call. If Maura was counting coup tonight, she wondered if it counts if you get your opponent drunk on Frangelico?

Together, they went to get ready for bed. Jane had her own cabinet in the master bathroom at Maura's since she stayed so often. They stood there at the sink brushing their teeth, catching the other watching in the mirror. Both of them ready to laugh at the other. Most nights when Jane stayed they'd sleep in Maura's bed. They both liked to spend that time together. So, together they went to Maura's bed and lay down to sleep. "Goodnight Maura, thanks for tonight. And thanks for letting me stay." Jane was on her side of the bed.

"Jane, I am glad you agreed to stay. I didn't really want to get out in the cold to drive you home. Remember I put a glass of water on your nightstand. You should drink as much as you can."

"I probably shouldn't have had so much of that Frangelico, but it was so yummy." Jane reached over to Maura's side and found her hand. "Thank you Maura. I feel safest when I'm here with you. Goodnight."

Jane was out in mere minutes. Maura stayed awake thinking and listening to the sound of Jane breathing.

This was their life. Week after week, wedging in time together, getting close enough to be dangerous but each afraid to really express to the other why.

_\- Counting Coup is a real thing._

_\- Frangelico is good. Very very good._

_\- Stepping in water with your socks on is bad._

_Ok then, onward we go...thank you for reading._


	3. Chapter 3, Trauma

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch3, **_**Trauma**_

The next morning, Maura woke, her body flush against Jane's. She quietly tried to slip out of the bed to let Jane sleep in a bit as she prepared for the day. Jane mumbled something that, to Maura, sounded like "no, don't leave baby." But that may have been her own wishful thinking. Half an hour later, she brought coffee and aspirin and woke Jane so she could get going. Jane didn't want to wake up and Maura had to tease her with the coffee. "Jane, if you don't get up now, I'm going to drink this hot fresh coffee I just prepared for you. Oooh it smells so good."

Finally, Jane cracked an eye open. "Don't you dare take that coffee out of this room." And she was up.

Maura walked out of the room, leaving the coffee behind. "Works every time!" She heard Jane griping about having to get up as she went downstairs.

After a bit of breakfast and another round of coffee was poured into their travel mugs, finally, they headed out the door. Jane climbed into her car and Maura into her latest new vehicle, a convertible that she expected Jane would love to enjoy on a summer drive to the coast.

While driving on the way in to work, Jane got a call. A body had been discovered. "Do I ever get a break? At least I've already got fresh coffee." She thought again of Maura and all the little things she did for her and she took another sip and warmed her cold hand on the cup. Maura's coffee always tasted better than any coffee she'd had. But she didn't want to admit it and not be able to tease Maura about being a coffee snob.

Maura's call came moments after and they were both on their way.

At the scene, Jane approached and observed the evidence and the surroundings. Bright red blood stained the fresh white snow while the teenaged victim lay in his own macabre Technicolor death scene. Jane's first thought was that this crime scene had drug deal gone wrong written all over it. Jane hated when such a young person lost their life. She thought of the families and all that would be lost. She thought of her own mother whom she'd been neglecting. Jane bent down to point out evidence to the crime scene photographer.

The victim's mother arrived to see her son and came toward him. She was out of her mind in grief. "Someone get her out of here!" Jane managed to bark out as she turned toward the commotion. She was in full on detective mode as she rose to her full height gesturing toward the woman, causing her blazer to open and reveal her badge. Glaring at the nearest officer she motioned for him to remove her. She knew no mother should have to see her son like this.

Turning away, Jane could hear her wailing. "No, no, no why his life? Why my baby?"

The woman didn't seem to draw breath as she continued her cries of unimaginable pain, "Why should a dog, a rat, have life, and my son have no breath at all? He will never breathe again. Never, never, never, never, never! Bring him back, please, make him breathe."

Then there was nothing. A solemn stillness.

The crying woman had been brought inside one of the buildings out of the cold. The onlookers stood stunned by her outburst, respectful and suddenly quiet. Jane's spine straightened and her body pulsed. She had a job to do.

Jane's trained eye scanned the crowd of onlookers behind the yellow police tape. She detected a suspicious figure in the midst of the rest wearing something other than a look of sadness and concern on his face. She knew that killers sometimes liked to watch as the site of their deed was marked off as a crime scene; as if they caught a thrill by observing the impact they'd made, reliving it through the horrified looks of bystanders. She quietly communicated to her partner the description of her latest suspect and she set off to block his exit.

The talented detective was right, the murderer was there, standing in the crowd, watching, gloating. Jane's experience knew that ego and over confidence were the Achilles heel for many criminals. These were her favorite arrests. She loved to snatch the smug smiles from these arrogant animals with the cold confident click of her steel police-issue handcuffs.

Jane slowly approached the behemoth of a man from behind while her partner, who was playing the crowd, held the suspect's attention. As Jane got closer, he sensed her approach then turned and ran. He sprinted down the street away from the crime scene at the same time Dr. Maura Isles parked her brand new baby blue Jaguar XKR hard-top convertible and stepped out. She was right in his escape route, oblivious to the danger. Jane saw that Maura was in the path of a suspected deranged killer. To protect Maura from getting hurt, or worse, Jane, who was only a half a step behind him, lunged. She grabbed his arm and he spun toward her. Maura yelled, "Jane!" But all she could do was watch, stunned, as he turned and threw Jane into a wall and punched her solidly to the ribs. Jane was doubled over from that first blow. Maura could hear the air forced from Jane's body at that hit. A stifled whimper escaped and she tried to breathe. Then, he placed a crushing uppercut into Jane's jaw, causing Jane's body to fly back and her head to slam into the wall as she crumpled to the ground. She was knocked out cold. The six-foot-five brute gave one last kick to her side and made his escape with Jane's partner and a half a dozen uniformed officers in pursuit.

Maura slipped on the ice and snow in her rush to get to Jane. She got back to her feet with wet, bloodied knees and a nicked hand and continued toward Jane. The brave detective lay unconscious and broken on the concrete sidewalk, her bottom lip split from the murderer's fist and her head scraped from her fall into the icy pavement. Maura quickly removed her coat and covered Jane as she lay on the frozen ground. "Jane, Wake up! Jane, Are you ok? Jane, please." Maura pleaded repeatedly and stroked Jane's cheek. "Oh Jane, What did he do to you? Your beautiful face. Jane, wake up."

Jane heard a muffled voice as she came back into consciousness and opened her eyes. She saw Maura, albeit two of Maura as Jane's eyes tried to focus. "Maura, I couldn't," Jane tried to get a breath, but her ribs ached from the punch, "couldn't let him hurt you." Jane could barely breathe and she could taste blood. It felt like her chest was ripping apart every time she tried to inhale. She could only manage very shallow, gasping breaths.

Maura was shivering as the winter air wrapped around her and pulled the warmth from her body. She knelt beside Jane trying to keep Jane talking. Frantically, she wiped the blood from Jane's mouth using the sleeve of her blouse. Maura's shaking hands moved to ascertain the extent of the injuries and whether Jane may need stitches. Seeing that the blood was from a small split and no stitches would be required, it struck Maura how much blood seemed to come from facial injuries. She'd attended to so many of Jane's injuries lately. But right now, Maura was simply relieved Jane was conscious. She saw the ambulance attendants approaching from a block away. She concluded that Jane's jaw may, in fact, be broken but the way Jane was struggling to breathe made her believe her ribs were likely broken as well. Maura leaned over to look into Jane's eyes. "Jane, I need you to try to steady your breathing ok? Breathe with me." Maura tried to get Jane to follow her instructions, but after a few moments Jane's eyes seemed to cross again and she fell back under. The EMS crew approached. With a quivering voice, Maura forced information to the EMS crew, "She has a possible broken jaw and was unconscious for at least three minutes before she came to. Be careful with her, her ribs might be broken."

"Ma'am, we're gonna have to ask you to step aside."

"No you will not, I am a doctor. And she is.. she is a Police Detective."

The EMS crew were about to lift Jane onto a stretcher, "Be careful with her! You need to use a neck brace! What is wrong with you people? Have you not been trained?" Maura could feel her heart rate rising as her anxiety level intensified.

Korsak approached Maura and pulled her away so the EMS crew could get Jane to the hospital. He retrieved Maura's coat from the ground and put it back on Maura's shoulders. "Maura, let them take care of her. Let's get this work done and then you can go to see her at the hospital."

"Vince?" Maura had tears in her eyes and her voice was breaking. "Vince, she's hurt, Jane is hurt badly."

"Maura, she'll be ok. This is Jane we're talking about. Nobody stronger." Korsak took Maura's arm and started walking. "Tell your people what to do to get this crime scene squared away and you should go to her."

Korsak lead Maura back to where the murder victim lay and Maura instructed her team to process the scene and to collect the body and deliver the victim to the morgue.

In the meantime, Jane's partner had apprehended the murderer after the foot-chase. He'd confessed to the killing, likely encouraged by the attention lavished upon him by Jane's police peers who were none too happy that he seriously injured one of their own. His facial injuries included a broken occipital socket, broken nose and multiple facial lacerations but the officers' statements all concluded similarly, that this happened when the suspect repeatedly beat his own face into the pavement. Not one member of the police department questioned the report. Suffice it to say, he was booked additionally on aggravated assault on a police officer which won him no friends at the precinct.

When Maura was finished at the scene, and with the crime apparently solved, she chose not to go back to the morgue with her team and instead went to find Jane at the hospital. Once there, Maura tried to make herself presentable again and looked at the small holes torn in her slacks from falling on her way to Jane. Maura saw Jane's blood dried on her sleeves and imagined Jane's beaten face in her mind, her heart went slack and was hit with a flash of nausea for a moment. She hurriedly re-rolled her bloodied sleeves while she urgently approached the nurse's station. She introduced herself to the head nurse and asked about Jane's injuries. "Excuse me, I'm Dr. Maura Isles, I'm here to see Detective Jane Rizzoli who was injured in the line of duty. Do you know of her condition or where I might find her?"

The nurse looked to her notes and responded "Detective Rizzoli is awake and somewhat alert now. The doctors said she suffered a grade III concussion with loss of consciousness as well as suffering a broken rib. The rib injury is an incomplete fracture. The doctor is directing us to keep her overnight." The nurse looked up from her notes and saw the anxiety in Maura's face and finally pointed down the hall, "Your wife is in exam room number six, down that way."

Maura started heading in that direction, turning slightly with intention to correct the nurse but instead decided not to waste time and went straight toward the exam room to see Jane.

Twenty feet down the hall, Jane was still in the examining room and was having a fit about remaining in the hospital. She refused to comply and kept repeating breathlessly, "I want to go home, my wife…. is a doctor. She…. can take care of me." Jane tried to breathe. "I want to go home."

Maura walked into the room uncertain of what she'd just heard come out of Jane's mouth. Jane saw her and held eye contact with her as if her life depended on it. She begged, "Maura, please. Take me home." Maura turned to look at the doctor and discussed Jane's injuries with the him as Jane continued to plead her case. The doctor started to intervene by saying that "Jane's level of injury makes her susceptible to amnesia, cognitive changes, dizziness, vomiting, nausea, lack of motor coordination, difficulty balancing, confusion, emotional problems…" but Maura interjected and offered to watch Jane at her own home as long as all the tests proved it was safe.

Maura knew the implications of a severe head injury and was well aware of the possible effects. "I assure you, doctor, that Jane will be monitored closely. If her condition worsens I will have her brought back to the hospital." Since Maura was a doctor and Jane was being extremely difficult, the hospital officials allowed it, if only to keep Jane from becoming more agitated. With signature from both women, they were allowed to go but only after the conclusion of the required tests. "Gah, Maura, how many more tests are there? I'm so done." Jane was in a good deal of pain. "Please, Maur, just get me home. I want to be home."

Maura ensured that all proper tests were conducted in her presence before she herself agreed to allow Jane to leave the hospital. Throughout all the tests, Jane kept reaching for Maura. To Maura, Jane seemed a bit more physically needy and constantly wanted to be touching Maura in some way, holding her hand or arm, never wanting her out of her sight. Jane was usually fairly prickly and didn't like to be touched. But since Jane had been through so much today, Maura decided Jane simply needed comfort.

"Jane, we have only one more procedure and it should be quick. Now let them do this MRI and we will leave." Maura was grateful and a bit surprised that Jane followed her instruction with only minor disagreement. Jane must really be exhausted from all this, Maura thought.

After another hour of testing and analysis, truly, there was nothing left that the hospital could do for Jane that Maura herself couldn't do in the comfort of her own home. Through the several hours at the hospital, Jane vomited four times in front of Maura and the hospital staff. It was one of the expected symptoms but Maura knew that Jane would never want anyone to see her so weak. It was time to go.

Maura called Jane's brother, Frankie, to help bring Jane home. Jane's mother, Angela, approached from the waiting area just as Jane was put into the wheelchair for her ride to Frankie's waiting car. "Oh Janie, your face. What did that criminal do to your face? I knew being a cop would catch up with you again. I worry so much about you and all that could happen to you at your job. Now will you go find something else to do to make a living that is safe? Find a husband who will take care of you? Have babies?" Jane's face was contorted in confusion and anger. "What the hell, Ma? What is wrong with you?" Then Jane's mother leaned over to hug her daughter who cringed and whined in pain as her mother aggravated her broken rib with the overly aggressive hugging.

"Angela, please, be gentle, Jane has at least one broken rib." Angela stepped back from Jane apologetically. Maura stopped their conversation in an attempt to get Jane out of the hospital as quickly as possible. She knew how much Jane hated to be doted on by her mother. Also, Jane needed to be restful and not upset. "Angela, all of Jane's tests came back clear for any danger. She does have a broken rib and some contusions, but she just needs some rest. Concussions are serious and Jane has more than a minor injury. I plan to bring her home so I can watch her. If she doesn't come home with me, then she'll be kept here in the hospital overnight. And we both know Jane would not like to stay here." Maura told Angela that the doctors agreed to release Jane to her care.

Jane reached for Maura's hand and pulled it close to her face. "See, Ma, my sweet Maura is going to take great care of me." Jane placed a quick kiss to Maura's hand. The standing women looked at Jane with some perplexity at Jane's odd behavior and then looked at each other. Jane had never done that before.

Angela spoke. "What? What is that?"

Maura assured Jane's mother that everything was under control. "Angela, Jane's suffered a concussion and is still somewhat confused as her brain recovers. I will make sure she is attended to properly."

Angela offered, "Well, if you need anything, Maura, please let me know, I'll be right next door at home, OK?" Maura shook her head in agreement and proceeded to pull her hand from Jane's to push the wheelchair toward the exit.

Jane felt like an object in that chair as they talked about her. "You know I'm right here, Maura."

"Yes, Jane, I am well aware." Then Maura called back to Jane's mom, "Goodnight Angela."

Angela watched Maura push Jane down the hall in the wheelchair. She wondered how much she'd missed over these past months with Jane pulling away and not letting her close anymore. She whispered to herself, "Are Jane and Maura finally together? Oh, my Jane is going to be so happy with Maura. " She smiled and thought, "I need to tell Frankie. I knew it." Then she headed home herself.

Once out of the hospital entrance, Jane thought enough to apologize to Maura. Her voice was quiet. "Maura, I'm really sorry, I don't understand what is wrong with my Ma. After all this time I really thought she finally accepted who I am. I wish she'd realize I'm happy with my life. I don't understand how she can still be so mean." Frankie approached them at the back door to his car and placed Jane in the back seat. Maura got in the other side to sit with Jane. Maura thought to call and have someone retrieve her own car from the hospital parking lot later. As Maura settled in her spot for the ride, Jane slid toward the middle of the seat and leaned her head onto Maura's shoulder. She reached for Maura's hand and tenderly intertwined their fingers. "Thanks Maur, I knew you'd get me out of there and take me home." She turned her head and looked toward Maura. "I'm glad you're here with me." Maura went along, but was a bit surprised at the gentleness in Jane's voice and continuing show of affection from the normally reserved detective. They were already on their way to her house so if Jane's behavior was only a ploy to get released to her care, then Jane need not continue.

"I'm so glad you are always here for me, Maura. I love you, so much." At that, Jane gave Maura's hand a good squeeze. She closed her eyes and nestled in a little closer to Maura with her head pressed against Maura's right shoulder. Maura watched a tear escape and roll down Jane's bruised and swollen face. Maura became even more mystified at the intimacy of Jane's words. She observed Jane crying. Maura knew that is so not Jane behavior and her eyes went immediately up to Frankie who was looking back with the rear-view mirror. His eyebrows were pushed together in confusion and finally realization that Jane and Maura must have been together all along and hiding their relationship. Oh, the cat was out of the bag now. He couldn't wait to go tell his mother the news.

Maura saw the thoughts play through on Frankie's face. She began to question just how much Jane might have been affected by the head trauma. She kept a watchful gaze.

_\- credit to King Lear for the death scene. I do hope you're enjoying so far. Our poor girls, always trouble isn't there?_


	4. Chapter 4, Home

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch4, **_**Home**_

Jane leaned heavily on Frankie as they approached Maura's front door. "Here Frankie, I've got my house key in my coat pocket." She handed her keys over to Frankie. Maura was still at the car getting a few things they'd picked up from the store on the way home. Frankie unlocked the door and half carried Jane toward the living room sofa.

Jane could barely think. She was glad her brother helped her get to the house. She didn't feel like she was one hundred percent aware. Things were fuzzy to her, muddled. But she did remember her dog. "Hey, Frankie can you take Jo and keep her for a bit?" Jane paused to catch her breath. "I don't think Maura feels like taking care of me and walkin' Jo in this cold weather." She tried to take another breath. "I know I'm not gonna feel like getting out there to do it." She paused again thinking that the suspect really did a number on her. She hurt all over. "Jo's leash is on the hook."

She looked for the hook that should have been screwed into the wall holding Jo's leash. But it wasn't there where she expected it to be. There wasn't even a mark on the wall.

Frankie said, "Sure Jane, I think Ma's already picked up Jo from your place."

"What?" Jane's mind was still confused and let it go. She got distracted while she thought she must have misremembered putting that leash on the wall. But she was sure she'd installed that hook for Jo's leash months ago. Didn't she?

Maura followed behind lugging the shopping bags "Jane, you should go to the guest room so you can rest properly."

Jane immediately complained, "What? If I have to be in bed, why can't I just get in our bed? Are you demoting me because I allowed myself to be beaten down by a perp?"

Jane smiled a beguiling smile and Maura's eyes went again to Frankie's in confusion and concern that Frankie did not need to know of their regular sleepovers no matter how innocent, "Frankie, Jane needs to be in the guest room on the first floor for now so I can watch her more closely and still be doing things in the kitchen or living room."

Reluctantly, Jane let Frankie lead her to the first floor guest room. As they passed Maura, Jane stepped toward her and gave a light kiss to her cheek. Jane's voice was barely a whisper. "Thank you baby. I know you know what's best." Leaving a bewildered Maura, they entered the room and Jane turned to Frankie, "You'd think she'd want to be even closer to me after what happened Frankie." Jane carefully sat on the bed. "I guess my risk-taking has me in the doghouse now." She spoke to Frankie as if he knew they'd been married all along. Frankie was always her secret confidant. She had always told him everything, so even in her own dissociated state, she still knew he was her right hand man.

Frankie knew now that the gig was up after what he'd just witnessed. Maura was, by now, standing in the doorway. When he saw the fear and concern on Maura's face after she'd heard that little exchange, he thought better of his plan to start sharing what he now believed about their relationship with the world. There was a reason Maura and Jane didn't share their relationship before. It was not his place to do so now. He returned a look of concern and acknowledgement to Maura.

Maura mistook Frankie's conciliatory look as his own confusion at Jane's behavior. After they both helped to make sure Jane was settled and comfortable, Maura walked Frankie to the door.

"Maura, Jane's never been an easy patient. Ma knows that the most. You have your work cut out for you. But from the looks of things though, Jane might listen to you. You are a doctor after all." Frankie thought for a moment. "You are probably the best thing for her right now."

"I will do my best, Frankie. And yes, I am surprised she's been compliant so far. We will see how long that lasts."

"If you need help with anything, call, ok?" Frankie gave Maura a warm, supportive hug and left. Maura stood at the door watching his car pull away wondering just what that help may entail. She went to look in on Jane.

At the sound of the door latch to the guest room, Jane opened her eyes and looked at Maura. "C'mere, sweetie. Come sit with me." Maura walked in and sat at the edge of the bed. She reached to move the wisps of Jane's hair from her forehead to check the scrape and took an assessment of her lip and the growing dark and awful contusion to her jaw. Maura gently tilted Jane's face so she could see it better. "Jane, this is going to be a terrible bruise." Maura was glad Jane's jaw wasn't broken after all. Quietly, Jane half whispered, "Maura, c'mon, you know I've had worse."

Maura was aware that Jane had suffered injuries in the past, but she was not so certain that any were as serious as this one. Something was up with Jane.

Maura handed Jane the icepack to slow the swelling to Jane's jaw. "Here Jane, you should really keep this against your face. It will help." Jane took the ice pack and winced a bit as she pressed it to the side of her face. "Keep trying Jane, I know it hurts, but you really need to keep the swelling down." Maura moved her hands to check the wrapping around Jane's rib cage. "Is this too tight? Are you uncomfortable?"

Jane stared at Maura with a gleam in her eye, enjoying the doting attention. She took Maura's hand, pulled it to her lips and pressed a kiss to the palm, "I'm fine. It's fine Maur, really, thank you. There is no one on earth I trust more to take care of me." The softness in Jane's eyes startled Maura. She'd only seen that look on Jane's face when she was consoling family members after they'd lost a loved one. It struck her that Jane could be so gentle.

Not used to such affection and wondering why it was now streaming from Jane, Maura stood and pulled her hand casually away from Jane's reach, "Jane, a lot has happened today, you should try to get some sleep." Maura placed the water glass on the nightstand within closer reach to Jane and walked over to open the shopping bags that contained a bucket for Jane in case she needed it. She placed that and a towel beside the bed as well. "Jane I'll only be just out in the living room. You should call out if you need anything." Concealing her growing concern over Jane's strange behavior, Maura left the room.

Once Maura was outside of that guest room, she immediately dialed the number for her psychiatrist friend who specialized in head trauma.

Dr. Rachel Swen is famous for her analyses of psychobiological, emotional and psychosocial dimensions of severe head injury. She'd met Maura and formed a friendship years ago at a doctor's retreat. She has first-hand experience dealing with trauma and helping design trauma response strategies in Sri Lanka, the US, Indonesia and elsewhere. If anyone could help Maura to help Jane, this doctor could.

Maura walked out of earshot of Jane as she explained the situation to Dr. Swen, she revealed that Jane seemed to be showing much more physical closeness and intimacy and that her behavior was out of bounds from normal. She told her friend that Jane suggested that she get into "Our" bed and that somehow she thinks she lives here at Maura's house. The psychiatrist responded by describing the intricacy of the mental responses to such an injury and that Maura's best path would be to keep Jane as comfortable as possible and not bring attention to her apparent alternate reality. She described traumatic "dissociative" amnesia and that it is brought on by extreme stress as a way to let the brain escape from the stressor. "The head injury quite possibly may have allowed it to manifest itself in Jane's mind." She explained that Jane would eventually snap out of it, but in the meantime, Maura should go along to keep her calm and allow healing. "Present an environment as close to what she expects to have. Give her a chance to come back into her own. And, if Jane becomes in any way violent or a danger to herself, do not hesitate to have her removed to a facility. It may slow her healing, but they are better equipped to handle such situations." Dr. Swen knew of Maura's propensity to take things on as a challenge. "Maura, don't try to do all of this on your own. Enlist family and friends. Let them help you. Don't take this entire burden on yourself."

When Maura inquired as to the possible length of this recovery period the doctor replied only "It could last from three weeks to six months, in rare cases, the injured person never does recover their memory. And more often, even when the memory returns, some personality changes will remain with a person after such an injury. One never really can predict these cases." And finally, "Maura, please feel free to call me anytime. I will be traveling through the northeast in a few weeks, there is a conference in Bridgeport I plan to attend. I'd like to make plans to make the trip afterwards from Connecticut to see you and personally assess Jane's progress. Is that ok with you?"

"Of course, Rachel, I would love to see you. I am concerned about Jane. Your attention and expertise will be very welcome. I look forward to your visit." At that, the two women disconnected the call.

Maura sat silently after the conversation. She was bound and determined to see Jane through to recovery. She constructed a plan.

Her thoughts were interrupted as she heard Jane vomiting from the guest room. Jane was in for a rough ride, but Maura would stand by her through it all. She stood and went to check on Jane. Maura would find a way to help her. Isn't that what friends do?

Jane's broken rib hurt her deeply every time she wretched. Maura was aware of the pain that each bout of vomiting was causing Jane. For Jane's part, she played it off well, but Maura could read Jane's face even better than Angela could. And Maura knew that Jane's ribs would never begin to heal until Jane managed to move beyond this phase with the nausea.

Jane was beginning to perspire from the pain and Maura wiped her face with a cool damp towel trying to provide comfort as she could. She did care deeply for this woman, after all. She felt it now more than ever.

Maura made a call to Frankie and the plan was hatched. Frankie came through the back with two suitcases, a duffel bag, a small tortoise and glass cage as well as Jo's bed. He installed a hook just like the hook at Jane's house on the wall in the entryway where Jane had pointed earlier and hung Jo's extra leash there. He carried the suitcases upstairs and did as Maura instructed.

Maura was very clear that Frankie try to keep this entire arrangement quiet and the fewer people who knew the better. She intended to protect Jane from any embarrassment this may cause when Jane came back to reality and her memory returned to normal.

No one knew when that might happen, so the plan was to keep Jane away from as many people as possible for the duration. Maura called in a few favors and arranged with Jane's superiors to allow her some paid leave time. She called Angela and suggested that Jane needed peace and quiet for the immediate future and that she should keep her visits short and to a minimum. Even though Maura communicated very clearly to Angela, she knew that getting Angela to comply was going to be easier said than done.

Maura went to the living room where Frankie was placing some of Jane's personal items he had borrowed from her house. Maura walked to Frankie and spoke quietly. "Frankie, you are the only person I could have trusted to keep this quiet. Thank you for helping me. You know I'm not one to lie and trust me when I say that this is going to be extremely difficult."

Frankie looked at her and thought for a moment about the implications and fallout this could have for Jane if her fragility was revealed in the open, that she was not thinking clearly. He also considered how Jane would feel if her true feelings for Maura were released into the universe. Frankie knew of Jane's feelings for Maura. They had spoken in the past. Even now, Frankie hesitated to reveal them to Maura. "Maura, I'm with you all the way on this. I honestly thought that Jane had gotten over her fear and you two finally got together. I mean, that's what I thought when I heard and saw the two of you in the car and then here this afternoon. I thought you two were hiding your relationship because Jane is so private. You know, the talk around the station about Jane, you know, liking girls. She really hates that." Frankie looked away from Maura recognizing how serious the situation had become. "Maura, Jane has been in love with you for at least two years."

Maura gasped. "What?"

How could she not know?

"Frankie, no, we aren't, we haven't been...No, we are not in a relationship."

"I understand that now, Maura. And I understand where Jane is mentally with the concussion or memory loss or whatever this is. I'm here, for whatever, ok?"

Maura reached to touch Frankie's arm. "Thank you Frankie. Your sister is an attractive woman. Confident. Strong. Who doesn't have a crush on her at the bare minimum?" She stepped away. "I will admit, I've wondered what it might be like to date her or even to be in a relationship with her romantically, but that has been the extent of it." Maura wrapped her arms around herself for comfort. She turned and stared out the window, "I have never acted on it or revealed my feelings to her. I do care immensely for Jane, Frankie but," Maura turned back and looked Frankie right in the eye. "Whatever I've felt for her I have never allowed myself to hope for more than a moment that she felt the same way." Maura had revealed more than she intended but in this moment, Frankie gave her hope. She began to worry her ring. "Frankie, If I were to tell you that I am attracted to your sister in a more than friendly way, would that bother you? Because I am, I truly am. I love Jane."

"I suspected as much, Maura, you two are kinda obvious."

Maura became contemplative. "It seems that she and I have been walking along parallel pathways, both of us too frightened of the consequences of our revelation."

"But now, now she thinks you two are MARRIED, Maura!" Frankie's voice got a bit loud and Maura's eyes went wide as she moved her hand to her own mouth to shush him.

"Maura, if your psychiatrist, doctor friend thinks you should 'pretend' all this for Jane's sake, just how far are you willing to go?"

Maura's mind flashed to places she could not share with Frankie. "Frankie, let's just hope it doesn't come to that. I've managed to stem her attempts at intimacy so far. It is difficult, more than you can imagine, but I have no intention of doing anything with Jane that she might regret later."

"You've got your work cut out for you, Maura. I don't envy your position. This is going to get tougher before it gets better."

"I know Frankie. I anticipate that it is going to be incredibly challenging to keep my own feelings at bay and care for your sister as she needs me to care for her. Thank you Frankie. I don't think I would have ever revealed what I have been feeling without your acknowledgement of what Jane said she felt toward me. I don't even know how to process all of this right now. I just need to think." Maura paused and took in a deep breath, "It is all so overwhelming."

"We'd both do anything to help Jane. I trust you Maura. Now that I know you love my sister too, I'm even more behind you. Hell, half of the department have bets going as to whether you two are already an item."

Maura shot him a stern look.

Frankie needed to learn when to shut up. He winced apologetically, "I haven't said anything, Maura. I won't. I promise. This betting thing was going on way before that assho...er, jerk beat my sister."

Now Maura's face showed an incredulous expression. "How long, Frankie? How long have people been placing bets on Jane and me? "

Frankie dipped his head. He'd started this line of conversation so it was his to finish. "Do you remember the day you arrived at the precinct and Cavanaugh introduced you as the new Chief Medical Examiner?"

"Yes."

"Well, when he walked you over to Korsak and Jane in the homicide department, some of the other detectives watched you reach out your hand to introduce yourself to Jane. I heard the rumors that same day. They saw something between you two. That was when certain members of the department started to take bets."

Maura looked away from Frankie. Was she that obvious? "I don't appreciate people assuming anything about me." Maura had heard other rumors and she was displeased with their tone. Queen of the Dead. At least it was creative. "Does Jane know about the betting?"

"Yeah, she does."

"How does she feel about it? I can't imagine she took it very well."

"Jane was pissed when she'd heard. She hates it. Korsak had to pull her off of one guy because he got smart with her. But Maura, I promise you, she loves you. My sister is in love with you." Frankie hesitated briefly, "Maura, you didn't answer my question. If the doctor wants you to create this whole fake life, how far are you willing to go with it?"

They looked at each other while Maura formulated a response. Both knowing all too well to what Frankie was referring. "I'll do what I need to do to take care of your sister, Frankie. Let's hope it doesn't go too long."

After Frankie left for the night, Maura heard his question echoing in her head. Just how far WAS she willing to go? Maura had to think about this situation with a clear mind. She was feeling emotional. On one side she was exhilarated and overjoyed that Jane actually loved her and on the other, Jane was going through some serious repercussions from the concussion that could adversely affect her cognition in the short term and quite possibly in the long term. This was a delicate situation. Maura had a difficult time sorting it all out. Dr. Swen assured her that this method would be the least damaging for Jane, so Maura felt comfort that she made the right call. For now, she'd continue to be the best friend she could be for Jane and rely on Dr. Swen's expert advice and guidance.


	5. Chapter 5, Getting Hot in Here

_I'm really having fun with this story, more fun than I anticipated. I can see many folks seem to be reading and that pleases me more than you know. Thanks again to inappropriate-sugartits for her generosity reading these chapters in advance. Thanks for reading. Enjoy._

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch5, **_**Getting Hot in Here**_

Maura decided to run a bath for Jane. It would do her good to soak for a bit. Maura knocked gently at the door to the guest room. Jane called for Maura, "Maur, you don't need to knock sweetie, I love that you take such good care of me. Please, never stop, ok? But only YOU get to take care of me, especially not my mother." Maura melted at Jane's smile. Her heart was instantly full. Is this what a life with Jane could be? She breathed in deeply, pushed those thoughts aside and offered the ready prepared bath to Jane. Jane accepted the offer and Maura helped lift Jane from the bed and the two unsteadily made their way to the bathroom.

Maura removed the wrap holding Jane's rib tight. Afterward, Jane uncharacteristically stripped down to nothing right in front of Maura. Meanwhile, Maura averted her eyes for the most part and busied herself arranging towels until she knew Jane was ready. Then Maura steadied Jane as she slid into the warmth of the bathtub. She started to leave and Jane reached her arm toward Maura asking softly, "Please stay." Jane moved her hands across the surface of the water then looked back at Maura. "What if I slip under the water and I'm not able to come up for air?" Maura's eyes got big. Jane was joking, but she didn't want Maura to be away from her. "C'mon, Maur, stay, you're my official lifeguard. I need you." So Maura sat on the floor with her back leaning against the edge of the tub. In another circumstance, hearing Jane direct such loving words her way would have sent Maura's heart singing. But today, given the situation, it was quite painful. Knowing that reality would eventually hit Jane again and all this could be a forgotten memory, Maura decided to tread lightly.

Jane reached over to Maura's shoulder and rested her hand, still needing the constant touch. Maura could feel the warmth from Jane's hand and somehow felt more grounded herself with that touch. A few minutes passed. "Maura, I feel so lucky."

Maura responded, "Yes, I thought your jaw was broken. That would have had you in a completely different specter of pain if that had happened. You are lucky."

"Don't you mean 'a whole new world of hurt?' No, Maura, I'm _lucky_ that I have you." Jane leaned her head back and closed her eyes. "Not to mention you are the sexiest woman on earth." Jane briefly opened one eye to look at Maura then smiled at that thought and slowly slid her fingertips from Maura's shoulder up along her neck and began to caress the softness under the tendrils of hair at the base of Maura's skull. Maura reached up to Jane's hand to still her movements. She held Jane's hand giving comfort but not encouragement. Jane continued to talk for a few more minutes, softly and gently to Maura. Jane's voice was so soothing, Maura felt like she could live in that sound forever. After Jane settled in and the room was quiet, Maura sat still thinking of how she should handle this entire set of circumstances.

Fifteen minutes later, Maura heard Angela's voice calling from the kitchen. She alerted Jane that it was time to remove herself from the water and helped her climb out of the tub. She wrapped Jane in a towel and sat her in a chair in the bathroom. "Jane, I need you to sit here, don't try to walk on your own. You are so relaxed from the bath that you might stumble, OK?"

Jane sat there, staring at Maura. "Jane, do you understand?"

"Yes, Yes, I do. Stay in chair. Don't move. Sir, yes sir." Jane started to laugh and then winced again.

Maura began to smile, "You just never learn. I'll be right back." Maura turned back toward Jane on her way out the door and pointed at Jane, "Don't move."

Maura called to Angela as she rounded the corner toward the kitchen, "Angela, I heard you come in, Jane was just in the bath."

"Maura, I'm so glad you're taking such good care of my baby. I made some Mostaccioli, it is one of Jane's favorites. Won't you give it to her when she gets hungry?"

There was a muffled sound from the bathroom. "Of course Angela. Jane just needs to rest and if you don't mind, I need to attend to Jane right now so, I'll talk with you tomorrow?"

Angela took the hint, put the food in the fridge and said goodnight on her way out the door. Angela was hot on their trail, but knew better than to push things with Jane just out of the hospital.

When Maura got back to the bathroom she found Jane lying on the floor. She bent down toward Jane to lift her and asked, "Jane, did you fall? What happened?"

Jane explained, "I felt dizzy and I figured I wouldn't be able stop myself if I started to fall so, I just got my own self to the ground before gravity could do it for me." The pain from the movement showed all over Jane's face.

Jane's ability to make light of the most serious situation baffled Maura at times, but at least what Jane said actually made some sense, as opposed to all other conversations with Jane since she'd been hit. Maybe Jane would be back to normal sooner rather than later.

Maura had placed a t-shirt and shorts in the bathroom earlier as she'd prepared the bath for Jane and attempted to help her to get dressed. This entire experience was so surreal to Maura. She dreamed of a day that she and Jane could be this close, but not this way. Not like this. If this ever were to happen for real, Maura needed Jane to have all her wits about her. Jane's body, naked and so close to Maura was tempting indeed, but Maura had self-control and enough respect for Jane not to take advantage of the situation. Jane was still wrapped in the towel while Maura had Jane lift each leg to put on her shorts. The shorts went on easily. Jane used Maura's shoulders as an anchor while Maura slid the shorts up along the never-ending length of Jane's legs. Maura noticed how remarkably lean and toned her legs appeared to be.

Jane patiently stood allowing Maura to pull the t shirt over her head. The towel dropped to the ground as soon as Jane painfully reached up to put her arms through the shirt. Standing inches away from Jane, Maura had a clear, up close view of Jane's bare naked breasts but Maura's heart skipped a beat when she saw the horrible bruising on Jane's ribcage and what almost looked like a boot print in the bruising. She took a quick breath inward and literally held her breath while she tried to pull the shirt down over Jane's body. Seeing Jane's bruise did something to Maura on the inside. She ached for Jane. She wished there was a way she could have stopped that man from damaging Jane so much. Maura wanted to put a shield around her so she would never hurt again. Rationally, Maura knew this was impossible, but she could not stop the overwhelming feeling.

Jane reached around Maura's waist when Maura had successfully pulled that well-worn t-shirt down her body. She pulled Maura closer and whispered, "This is my favorite t-shirt. You always think of me, Maura. You really do make me feel loved." and Jane placed a soft kiss just below Maura's ear.

Maura felt an instant flash of heat and exhaled while she stepped away. Maura herself felt a little faint. The sight of Jane's rib injury, the affectionate kiss, everything was getting to her. "Jane, you really need to lay down before you fall over. Here, let me help you re-wrap your ribs. And then you're going to bed."

Jane pouted, but she knew she needed to wrap her ribs again. Jane stared silently at Maura as she slowly and tenderly wrapped Jane's broken ribs. Neither spoke. There was only the sound of the rustling fabric as Maura completed her task. Maura could sense Jane watching every move as she was placing the bandage around Jane's body. When Maura was done, she finally looked up to Jane and spoke quietly, "Ok, time for bed." Seeing Jane's soft smile tugged at Maura somehow. Jane's eyes flashed down to Maura's lips. Maura recognized that look and reacted. "Now, go. I'll help you walk." Jane complied, that is until she realized that Maura was leading her back to the guest room.

"Oh, no. No. Maura, I don't mind being down here during the day for you to look after me, but I refuse to not sleep in our own bed through the night. Now, won't you help me get up these stairs?"

Maura froze in her tracks. How was she going to handle this? No matter her fears, whatever it took to bring Jane back to good health, Maura was up for the challenge.

"Jane, you're still experiencing dizziness and lack of balance and you probably will for the next few days. Let's not have you going up and down stairs. Just agree that you'll stay here in the guest room, at least until the nausea passes?"

"Alright Maura, you're like my own personal safety squad. Go get ready for bed, I'll be waiting down here. Hurry back, I'm feeling cold. I need you to help warm me up."

Maura's mouth opened to object but she realized how Jane might take that so she closed her mouth and went toward the stairs. Jane caught her hand and pulled her close to give her a kiss on the corner of her mouth before she could get away. It was quick, but Maura felt that run through her whole body. She was going to have to watch herself throughout Jane's recovery.

Maura felt that she could give in. It was difficult to keep pushing Jane away. She thought to herself that she really should ask Frankie to spend more time so she wasn't always alone with Jane.

Jane went into the guest room and Maura unsteadily took herself up the stairs. She took her time preparing for bed. Almost reluctant to join Jane, afraid of what might happen, she quietly went down the stairs and entered the guest room. Jane looked at her as she walked in and started to laugh, but the pain stopped her. Her smile remained, however. "Maura, what are you wearing?"

"What, you don't like?" Maura shimmied her shoulders just a bit.

"Well, I've just never seen you in anything like," Stifling a laugh, Jane continued, "like THAT before."

"Jane, you're the one who said it was cold and besides, YOUR mother gave them to me as a gift." Maura climbed onto the bed and lay with her hands across her waist on top of the covers in the thickest heavy flannel pajamas that could not possibly be comfortable for Maura. Jane's mother did give them to her as a practical Christmas gift last year. Truly, she had never worn them before and had never planned to. She only kept them out of respect for Angela, but right then, they were her salvation. Maura needed a good barrier tonight because Jane gave no appearance of slowing her advances toward Maura, her wife.

Maura began to fidget. Jane said, "Maur, I'm not THAT injured, get under the covers with me, c'mon, I'm feeling cold. I need you." There it was again. Jane's pleading "I need you." Maura could not resist even if she tried. Under the covers she went. Jane immediately reached over to tug her closer. Maura turned away and offered her back to Jane who wrapped her arm around Maura. Jane whispered, "Goodnight sweetheart, I love you." before she drifted to sleep.

Maura lay awake for a long time, listening to the sound of Jane's breathing. Thinking about how nice it really felt to be close to Jane, to have Jane's arm around her. Then she started thinking about how crazy all of this seemed. But Dr. Swen did say that Jane shouldn't be confronted about her memory or her idea of reality because it could very well upset her. All Maura wanted was for Jane to be ok. She drifted off herself after a bit but woke up at the sound of Jane heaving into the bucket again. She sat up and reached her hand over and rubbed Jane's back to try and soothe her. Poor thing, Maura thought. She just needs me for a little while longer. I can do this, Maura thought. We can do this.


	6. Chapter 6, Game On

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch6, **_**Game On**_

Jane had a horrible night and Maura was with her, equal in their misery...well almost. Maura didn't have Jane's pounding headache, broken rib and smashed jaw, but Maura had an aching, yearning heart. So balance was met.

Maura was first to emerge from the bed. She went to make coffee and prepare some breakfast for them both. She brought a fresh bucket and fresh towels to the room, replaced the water glass and straightened her side of the bed and walked out of the room.

Jane, lay there, partially aware of being in the guest room and Maura's coming and going. Feeling out of it still, she remembered the beat-down she'd received the day before and how Maura held her on the cold ground and rescued her from the hospital. "Maura." She so loved her wife. Jane felt no matter the wretchedness in the world, with Maura, she could survive, even thrive despite it all. Jane reached to touch her own face and assess the damage for herself, finally today, she could take the pain medication. The observation period prevented medication for the past 24 hours. Finally, she might get some relief from her aching body. At that thought, Jane was up, hugging the bucket again.

Maura rushed back when she heard the sound, she'd hoped that the nausea would be diminishing by now. There was not much Maura could do for Jane. She just had to get through it, but seeing Jane in so much agony broke her heart. Maura, for the life of her had not felt this way about another human being in her entire lifetime. What was this feeling? It wasn't pity. Maybe sadness, and love. Definitely love. But there was fear as well. Melancholy. What would happen if things didn't go well?

Jane slept for most of the next few days, the pain medicine made her drowsy. Each night Maura reluctantly and anxiously entered what was their bed in the guest room, although both her reticence and anxiety were diminishing. Jane required her presence throughout the night. Maura didn't really mind. She began to look forward to that routine with her checking Jane's injuries and finally Jane laying her protective arm over Maura's waist when it was time to fall asleep. Maura enjoyed the closeness, but how long could she fend off Jane's advances? Her physical injuries may very well heal before her dissociated psyche returned to normal. How long could Maura herself maintain self-control? She played the role of wife in the most minimal of ways. She couldn't let things get too heated or even heated at all. Casual kisses on the cheek were as much as Maura would allow. But Jane always pushed the limits. Maura was constantly inventing ways to escape without offending Jane.

Maura and Frankie had the house prepared to their best ability and the ruse was on. The two had discussed how they would handle the eventual return of Jane's proper memory. Basically, they decided to keep watch on Jane 24/7 and would take turns if Maura had to be away for a bit. Late that morning, when Jane finally emerged to the land of the living and had actually finally put on something other than sleep clothes, Frankie was already at the house in the living room with Maura there waiting.

Jane sat next to Maura and casually reached for her hand. Jane missed Maura and longed for her touch. They continued to share the same bed, but Maura had held herself back from Jane these past few days since she was beaten. Jane believed it was because she was still healing so it did not strike her as odd at all. Maura always did the right thing in all circumstances. But still, Jane missed Maura, even though they'd been virtually sharing the same space for nearly a week. She lost focus as she tried to remember the last time she and Maura were together, in bed, intimately. Why couldn't she remember? She could only remember elusive glimpses, as if she were dreaming. She blamed the head injury and stopped trying to think so much. Her head still hurt. Jane kept toying with Maura's fingers and hand wishing that Maura would allow them an opportunity to be closer. She tried to focus on Frankie as they sat there while Frankie caught her up with all the goings on at the precinct.

Jane stopped, and looked confused for a moment. "Maura, where is your wedding ring?" Maura froze again. She hadn't thought of that. Neither had Frankie, but luckily Frankie was quick on his feet and jumped in, "Maura asked me to take them in for cleaning, both yours and hers. She said that since you were trying to get better and not planning on being anywhere but bed that this was the perfect chance to get that done."

Maura exhaled with that cogent, believable explanation. Jane turned to Maura and paused to wait for Maura to look back. "Sweetheart, you are the most thoughtful, considerate woman on earth. I love you so much." And Jane reached to hold her wife.

Frankie sat back in his chair, the ring disaster averted, for now. They were going to have to be extra careful. He watched as Maura gently pulled back and scolded Jane not to move around a lot.

"Jane, you shouldn't move around too much, alright? Nothing strenuous. You should let your body get a chance to heal."

"Maura, I was just going to hug you. That's not so strenuous is it?"

Maura affectionately ran her hand along Jane's shoulder down to her elbow and backup again. The days of being so close and sharing a bed made these simple gestures come so easily, without conscious thought. Even battling to keep things cool, Maura didn't realize how things had changed between them and how truly comfortable she'd become with caring for Jane.

Frankie noticed the difference between the women. There was a distinctively more relaxed, intimate interaction between them. He wondered what might have happened between them this past week. He didn't like where his thoughts took him, but he trusted Maura and hoped she'd stayed strong enough and not let herself go there.

Maura stood and asked if either of them wanted anything from the kitchen. Jane requested hot chocolate and Frankie smiled at the choice. Jane felt a bit better today so she wanted to help, "Hey, Maura, you've been doing all the work for me, let me at least do something. Please?" Jane walked into the kitchen and started to reach for her favorite mug from the cabinet. "Maura, did you move all the mugs? I thought we kept them in this cabinet?" Maura answered, "Oh, Jane, yes, your mother actually rearranged the kitchen for me?" Which wasn't actually a lie, because Angela actually had, but she had done that over two years ago. Technically, Maura was still on the straight and narrow. Maura began to fidget.

Once they'd finished their drinks and Frankie was watching a hockey game on the tv, Jane snuck up behind Maura as she stood at the kitchen sink washing up. She lifted her hand to lightly slide Maura's hair to the side, "Hi Baby." Jane softly kissed the side of Maura's neck. Maura shut her eyes and quickly drew in a breath that she held for the briefest moment then exhaled. Jane's velvety lips moved along to the back of her neck and around to the side and upwards to just behind Maura's ear. Jane released a breath as she got close to Maura's ear. Maura's hands gripped the counter's edge.

She struggled to fight what was rapidly building inside her. To Maura, Jane's affection felt like heaven but she knew she shouldn't allow herself to feel. All she has wanted was being offered but she needed to deny herself. Jane kept applying gentle kisses to Maura's neck. Maura kept trying to push the feelings back and not react but her own body was betraying her. Maura's logical brain told her that Jane needed to be healthy, to recover, to be herself but Maura felt Jane's body firmly pressing against hers as she continued to push Maura to give in. The intensity was piercing. It was almost more than she could take. Maura's head automatically lilted to the side as Jane pressed on. Maura's eyes remained closed, she bit her bottom lip and exhaled again. She wanted to turn around and return the kisses, but she knew it wasn't right, not now, not yet. Not til Jane was Jane again, if ever she was.

Jane slid her hands down Maura's arms to her hands and slowly pried their grip from the edge of the counter and spun Maura around. Jane pressed even closer. Maura's eyes opened and she saw over Jane's shoulder that Frankie was watching with a touch of fear in his eyes.

Frankie knew how much was at stake here. He knew that Maura truly did love Jane. He also knew that Maura wanted the real Jane, not the one here who was hurting and not thinking clearly. But back in the kitchen, Jane was not holding back as she continued to kiss her way up Maura's jaw line. Both Maura and Frankie were torn between what's right and protecting Jane's psyche. If they let Jane push forward with Maura here now, the bubble they'd created would remain intact. If they stopped Jane, she could become upset and neither could predict Jane's reaction.

Maura's eyes were wide and searching Frankie's for direction, she felt herself pulled to Jane, not by force but by commanding burning want. Frankie was afraid to upset his sister by breaking this protective pretense but he needed to stop this. He tried to urge Maura, mouthing the words to her, "Don't, Maura. No. Don't do it." Frankie was waving his hands at her to prevent this.

Jane stepped closer. Maura never saw Frankie's warning. The balance tipped. Maura closed her eyes and allowed herself to feel.

Jane's gentle, hypnotizing kisses touched their way across Maura's face. Jane paused for an infinitesimal moment. Maura's heart was pounding, she ached for Jane. Jane dreamily settled a kiss at the corner of Maura's mouth. Maura turned her face and slid her parted lips toward Jane's to finally allow Jane's kisses in and Jane took charge. Maura simply melted. In a universe without gravity, Maura felt herself lose touch with the ground. She drifted, only connected to Jane as they kissed. Maura lost track of everything, where she was, Jane's injury didn't exist. Her own body didn't exist. Nothing existed but Jane and this magnificent magical feeling of energy and love and desire coursing between them. All she could think was, More. Jane's breath on her face made her eyes flutter. Jane's body was moving against hers. Maura was no longer in control of her own. Jane's arms gently held her close. Maura was completely enveloped. She mindlessly lifted her arms to cross her wrists at the back of Jane's neck while Jane's hands slowly migrated across Maura's shoulders. Floating. Floating in a kiss. It lasted forever. It lasted an instant.

Jane slowly pulled her mouth away from Maura's because things were about to get carried away and by the feel of it all, that had already begun to happen. She'd remembered Frankie was still there even if Maura didn't. Maura was her wife and Frankie didn't need a show.

Maura couldn't speak. She stood, dumbstruck, staring back at Jane.

Frankie stood stock-still as well. He knew they loved each other even before the Jane's injury, and he even rooted for them to get together. But Frankie had never witnessed such an event as this, and the off-the-charts intensity of that very first kiss. He didn't know. When he encouraged Maura to participate in pretend marriage for Jane's sake, he intended to shield his sister from her own illusion. He had no idea the power between these two women. He was in awe. He was also alarmed. Frankie was proud that his sister had experienced something so powerful with another person but he also felt sad for her because he knew she might never realize what she had or what she'd lost when she did eventually come to her senses and back to reality.

Would she even remember?

And poor Maura. Maura could be crushed beyond oblivion. He could see Maura beginning to give in to her feelings. If ever two people were made for each other, it was these two. Jane was not well. Jane was not thinking clearly. Her emotions were unstable. What if she said or did something that pushed Maura away? What if Jane came back into herself and didn't remember this time with Maura? Frankie knew how his sister reacted to emotional things. Jane tended to run. Maura would be destroyed. Jane was risking everything she'd ever wanted for her life and she wasn't even aware of it.

Frankie knew that Jane would never forgive herself if she wrecked her chances with Maura. He decided he needed to stop this, he had to find a way to help Jane and protect Maura from almost certain heartbreak. Once Jane was herself again, he would do everything in his power to get these two together. But right now, all he saw was danger and pain in their future.

He needed to get Maura alone.

Jane still had her back to Frankie. She stood, eyes gazing back into Maura's. Entire books of communication flowing between their stares. Jane reached for Maura's face. At the touch, Maura's eyes fluttered shut then rejoined the stare as she leaned her face toward the palm of Jane's hand. Both were mesmerized and lost in their own world. Frankie had to clear his throat several times to get their attention. "Girls, Girls, I'm still here." "Jane!" Jane turned only slightly, sliding her hands to Maura's hips, not wanting to lose contact. Frankie stepped to the side of the sink to try to look Jane in the eye.

"Jane." Jane finally turned her eyes away from Maura. "Ma needs to talk with you, do you think you could go over there and figure out what she wants? I forgot to tell you earlier."

Jane turned back to Maura as if to ask permission. Neither wanted the spell to be broken, but Frankie was being persistent. In her mind, Maura was desperately begging and pleading for Jane to just kiss her again. As Jane stood, all she wanted to do was press her lips against Maura's and forget Frankie was even there. "Jane." Frankie wasn't giving up. Maura almost imperceptibly nodded in the affirmative and Jane turned to go.

"Here, wear my coat, it's not so bad out there today, but it's still cold" and Frankie quickly retrieved his from the couch. Jane made her way out the side door nearest the kitchen to tend to her mother.

Maura leaned back into the counter with the heels of her hands at the counter's edge holding most of her weight. Her knees were still shaking and she let out a soft shuddering breath.

She turned her head toward Frankie who was now standing three feet from her. Maura was clearly in a daze.

"Maura. You can't do this. You have to take Jane to a hospital, or let Ma take care of her." Frankie reached up to rub the back of his neck. "That kiss, Maura, that kiss was, "

"I know." Maura closed her eyes again and leaned further into the counter.

"Maura you can't do that again, at least not while Jane isn't herself."

Maura opened her eyes and turned her head again toward Frankie. "What? You could have stopped her. You were here the entire time. Actually, Frankie, I'm glad you didn't stop her. She is...incredible. And I have never, _ever _been kissed like that before." Maura shut her eyes. "I never knew what a kiss could do." She looked back at Frankie, "You can't tell me to stop now."

"Maura, please, listen to me. I was wrong. You've got to put your doctor hat back on. Think about what this could do to Jane. To you." Frankie moved to stand directly in front of Maura. "I was here for that kiss, Maura. I've never seen anything like it. I know you two belong together and I promise I will help you make that happen. But only after Jane is better. What if Jane hurts you? How can you possibly protect your heart when she kisses you," Frankie waved his arms in front of him, "like that?"

Maura's voice had an edge. "Frankie, I am a doctor, I don't need a hat. I am perfectly capable of guarding my heart and keeping track of what's real. I am following the direction of a world-renown psychiatrist and she told me to NOT break Jane's alternate reality and to let Jane come into her own on her own."

"Maura, please, listen. What if Jane snaps out of it and can't understand why she's here with you? And if she doesn't snap out of it, Jane's not gonna stop at a kiss, Maura. She won't. I know my sister. What if you two are in bed together and that is when she wakes up? Maura, this is so dangerous. What if she runs?" Maura was suddenly more aware of Frankie's words as he spoke. "For Jane and for yourself, Maura please, try to see where I'm coming from. Jane's not right right now."

"I can handle it." They stood glaring. It was a stand-off.

The door opened and Jane walked in, "Ma wasn't even home, Frankie. I walked over there and knocked and waited for nothing." She walked toward the two at the kitchen sink and half tossed Frankie's coat back at him. "What are you two all serious about? Did Frankie lose his favorite pet rock or something?" Jane made herself laugh and grasped for her injured rib.

Maura looked over at Jane and saw that she was perspiring even after having been out in the cold. She reached over to help Jane to go to the living room and sit. She'd been standing too long as it was and was obviously in some pain.

Frankie glared at Maura. He put on his coat and he motioned for Maura to walk him to the door.

"Bye Jane."

"Bye baby brother."

At the door, "Maura, think about what I said. I'll call you later." Frankie gave Maura a hug. "I mean it, don't get too wrapped up in this. It could all blow up in your face. Could you forgive her Maura, when she royally screws this up?"

"Let's not go there already, alright? I'll consider what you've said. I'm not ready to make any decisions right now. Maybe after I've thought a bit more, we can talk. OK?"

"That's a start." Frankie buttoned his jacket. "If you need me to come back and put the cuffs on Jane I will. My sister is an animal." He grinned and Maura grinned as she gave him a gentle shove out the door. Both their smiles faded quickly and Frankie turned to make eye contact with Maura. He gave her a nod and she nodded in return. They would speak more about this later.

Maura closed the door and set the locks. She leaned her back against the door for a moment and listened to the sound from the television in the living room. She looked in on Jane and saw that she was sitting at the edge of the sofa. She looked nervous. "Jane, is everything ok?"

"Maura, I feel kinda funny. I think I need to lie down."

"What do you mean, Jane? What is it?"

"I just feel all shaky inside." Maura helped Jane to lay back on the couch and covered her with the blanket they usually used on movie night. Maura sat next to Jane and held her hand. "Maura, I'm ok. I just started thinking about how kissing you makes me feel. It is just overwhelming. I guess we haven't been doing much of that since my incident with that lead-fisted criminal."

"No, Jane, we haven't. But you need your rest and you need to let your body heal."

"I know babe, it's just, I really want you to be close to me. I need you close to me."

Maura squeezed her hand and leaned over to place a kiss on her forehead. It was the first time she'd ever done that to Jane. It honestly felt right, even natural for her. She wanted to love Jane with all her heart, to show her. "I'm here Jane. I'm not going anywhere." She started to slide her fingertips repeatedly down the edge of Jane's hairline across her forehead to behind her ear to soothe her.

Maura continued for a few minutes while Jane relaxed and closed her eyes. Jane fell asleep holding Maura's hand. Maura sat there awhile longer looking at Jane's face and the enormous bruise along the side of her jaw. Maura traced the edge of the discoloration with her fingertip. The swelling had been gone for the past few days and the color had changed from the horrible dark purple to now a paler, lighter hue. Jane had begun to heal. But they both had so much further to go before their life would be normal again, if it ever would be. Maura whispered under her breath, "Jane, I need you too. I need you to come back to me. I need you to remember our old life so we can start our own new one together. I don't know what to do Jane. I need you back to show me." Maura slipped her hand free from Jane's hold and went to the kitchen to begin to prepare lunch.

Ten minutes later, she stood at the sink washing vegetables and found herself lost in the very recent memory of Jane and the kiss. With the water still streaming into the sink, Maura leaned one hand onto the counter and moved the other toward her mouth, her fingertips lightly moving across her lips she allowed the memory of that kiss to consume her body again. In all her days, she never. No one ever. Only Jane.

She understood the warning Frankie had imparted. She just didn't want to go back. If it destroyed her she didn't care. She'd have Jane for a moment and that would have to be enough. She'd let Jane love her until Jane couldn't and it would be enough. She'd make it be enough.

She dropped her hands to her sides. Maura knew. It would never be enough.

_A/N: Thanks to Tess Gerritsen, Angie Harmon and that precious darling, Sasha Alexander. What a wonderful world they've created. I kinda like this chapter. I hope all of you like this one too.  
_


	7. Chapter 7, Am I Crazy?

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch7, Am I Crazy?**

Angela knocked at the back door. After what she'd witnessed between the two girls lately, she was uncertain if she'd be interrupting anything. At the knock, Maura was grateful that Angela had decided to allow some boundaries.

Maura greeted her at the door with whispers. "Shh, Jane's sleeping in the living room. Hi Angela, it's very nice to see you."

"Maura, honey, are you alright? You look tired. Has Jane been giving you trouble?"

"No Angela, she's actually been the perfect patient. Her injuries appear to be healing nicely. And Jane wanted me to tell you that the pasta you made for her was delicious. I was beginning to worry with all the nausea that Jane had in those first few days. But, she does seem to be over that now." Maura was rambling. Angela noticed.

"So Maura, is there anything I can do to help out? It looks like you're about to cook something in the kitchen. May I finish that for you dear? You just go rest with Jane."

Maura desperately wanted Angela to leave in case Jane woke up and Angela started talking with Jane. Every minute was a risk. "Angela, that would be lovely, but please, can we just let Jane sleep? Let's be quiet here as we cook."

"Oh no, Maura you go. Go sit in your big comfy chair and relax. Mamma's here today. Put your feet up." Maura smiled hearing Angela say 'Mamma's here', Maura hadn't heard that very much in her lifetime.

Maura hesitated but finally agreed and went to relax in her chair. Angela finished preparing the meal and saw that Maura had also fallen asleep. She removed the medical journal from under Maura's arm and covered her with a throw. She peeked at Jane as she lay sprawled all across Maura's sofa. "That's my Jane. " Angela wrapped up the food for later and looked around for anything else she could do. She went to the guest room to try and straighten up so Maura wouldn't have to pick up after her very messy daughter.

Angela found it odd as well as interesting, it appeared that two people had been sleeping in that bed. Her intuition about them being together seemed proven at this. She saw the flannel pajamas laid out and smiled. She knew Maura would like them if only she would give them a chance. Angela tidied up and then cleaned the downstairs bathroom as well.

She checked on the two as she walked toward the refrigerator and pulled some lettuce to give to the reptilian pets. They deserved a treat too, she thought, after she'd been spoiling Jo for over a week. "Such odd pets, turtles. But this little guy is kinda cute isn't he?" Angela was either talking to herself or to the tortoises, either way, she was happy her girls were together. What took them so long? A happy and satisfied Angela finally went back home loaded with confirmation that Jane and Maura were finally together.

Jane woke from her nap on the couch. She was well aware of her steady oversleeping. Jane had become more and more alert and aware in the past few days. She just didn't want to face the thing that was making her afraid so she hid in her sleep, grateful the pain medication made her drowsy. She sat up and looked over to Maura in the chair. What a sweet angel. Maura was about the only constant good for her lately.

Jane began to tilt her head to stretch her neck from sleeping on the couch. Her eyes absentmindedly scanned around the room and Jane began to recognize some of her books on the bookshelves, her first-place police shooting award and her last-place bowling trophy on display too. She smiled at all her stuff among Maura's things. She just couldn't remember putting anything there or remember the monumental argument Maura and she likely would have had over putting that bowling trophy, consisting of a plastic, gold-chromed back half of an ass, anywhere near Maura's living room. She wondered also why she couldn't remember the discussion that inevitably would have followed as to what a Donkey's rear end had to do with bowling. She chuckled for a brief moment, then her face became serious. Jane could not remember.

She had begun to think something was wrong with her, like maybe that hit to the head did more damage than they originally thought. She was so confused almost all day long, everyday. Like the hook for the leash disappearing and reappearing, what was wrong with her head? She could never find anything in the house and when she tried to remember specific things, she just couldn't get there. Her brain blocked her somehow.

Even so, Maura was different, even distant to Jane, or so Jane perceived. She couldn't attribute Maura's behavior all to trying to protect her injury anymore. Why wouldn't she just sit close and let Jane hold her? That couldn't hurt anyone. Why wouldn't Maura let her touch her, like really touch her? But then her thoughts ran straight to that kiss. "Whoa." Jane let the word escape as a wave rolled through her. At least the spark between them had not dissipated. She looked over to Maura who was sound asleep. Jane's eyes traveled across Maura's relaxed features as she slept in her overstuffed chair. Jane felt the love and desire as it should be, as she expected it to be, as she wanted it to be. In fact, to Jane, that is one thing that seems even stronger. Jane was so very much in love with Maura and that kiss proved Maura felt the same.

But still, Jane was afraid she was losing her mind and had started to pull into herself, afraid that maybe she'd never be herself again. Her memory gaps frightened her. She needed to talk with Maura. She was worried about going back into work and and not having her entire mind there with her. She couldn't trust her own head anymore.

Jane tried not to cry. She was terrified, she was sad. She didn't understand why all her emotions were at the surface and she no longer had the ability to beat them back down. This was so not like her. She couldn't control it.

She looked again across to Maura who was still sleeping near her in the chair. Jane's distressed face turned soft as she watched Maura breathing. God, this woman was everything. The only time she didn't feel uncertain or confused was in the evenings when she lay next to Maura in the bed and draped her arm protectively over her darling wife. But that only lasted so long until her mind started whirring around trying to remember the intimate moments again and again.

She couldn't bear the thought of losing Maura, of losing her own mind. Because surely, if she had a screw knocked loose and truly was going crazy, she could not put Maura through that. She'd need to leave. The pain reappeared on Jane's face and she slowly stood up and went to the kitchen. She could smell that something had been cooking and went to investigate what scrumptious gifts resided in the kitchen as a result, hunger temporarily distracting her from her thoughts. Jane hadn't really eaten properly in the past week but she felt like she needed to get something inside her before she became ill. Her appetite was back. Progress.

Maura woke to rustling in the kitchen. Oh no! She didn't mean to fall asleep. Did Jane talk with her mother? She needed to find out. She called over to the kitchen as she stood from her chair. "Jane, how are you feeling?"

"I'm ok Maur, can you come over here with me?" Maura's heart immediately sank. She looked over to where Jane stood in the kitchen but saw Angela was not there.

"Sure, Jane. Just a sec, ok?" Maura went into the bathroom to splash some water on her face and prepare to face whatever had Jane had to say. Immediately she noticed that the bathroom had recently been cleaned to sparkling perfection. Jane didn't do this. Maura whispered, "Angela." Maura's heart sunk in her chest. She rushed to the guest bedroom. "Angela saw."

Maura's anxiety was peaking and she walked straight out toward Jane.

"Here beautiful, sit down. So you made lunch and I just fell asleep on you. It's nearly dinner time now. Did you eat? Can I fix you a plate? Look at this. Yum." Jane wanted to do something good for Maura, to show her love and gratitude for taking such care of her. Maura smiled at the gesture. Jane brought the plate up to gather the scent, "It looks delicious and smells even better."

Maura relaxed a little, it seems that Jane didn't know Angela was even there. "Yes, please, I'd love some. Your mother came here earlier and prepared this for us. I am so embarrassed that I fell asleep before she left."

"Nah, I'm sure Ma knows how much you've been doing to take care of me. She knows you must be tired, or just tired of putting up with me." She laughed a little. "I know I'm not easy to put up with, especially when I'm not feeling well. Thank you, Maura." Maura reached for Jane's hand for a moment. They continued enjoying their meal.

Jane got lost in a memory while they sat side by side on the bar stools at the counter. Jane was gazing off to her left and seemed transfixed in thought as she imagined seeing Maura round that corner toward the kitchen wearing her purple satin flower patterned robe appearing magnificent and happy and sexier than Jane could handle. Then Jane laughed a bit out loud and said, "You spit your coffee out."

"What? Jane what are you talking about?"

"You. I made coffee for you and you spit it out. I remember. You were wearing that short and sexy purple robe. Please tell me that really happened and I am not imagining it."

"Do you mean the first night baby TJ stayed here? Oh, that happened alright. I don't know how you manage to sneak instant coffee into this house. I remember too, Jane. Yes, that happened. But, please, if you want to make coffee for me, I beg you to learn how to use the La Pavoni." As she said this last bit, Maura motioned with a quick gesture with her chin and eyes toward that gleaming, magnificent coffee torture device, the La Pavoni.

"You are such a coffee snob." And Jane bumped her shoulder against Maura's.

Jane paused, mustering some courage, "Maura? Am I going to be ok?"

"What, Jane, you are healing nicely. What? Is the pain getting worse? What are you feeling? Let me see." Maura swallowed hard. "Jane, what is it you're feeling?"

Jane struggled to stop the tears from coming again. The hard-edged Jane never cries. Maura didn't know what to do and looked pleadingly toward Jane, reaching for her hands.

"Maura. Sometimes I can't tell if what I'm remembering is real or not. I think I'm going crazy. I think I might have brain damage. I want to see a doctor, I mean a brain doctor. Something is wrong with me. I feel confused almost all the time. I can't find anything. I can't remember….things"

"What? What can't you remember?" Maura wondered if she'd made a mistake trying to create this environment for her, to have Frankie bring her personal items from her house. It felt so much like lying to Jane. Maura hated the idea of it, but did it because Dr. Swen said it would help. Maura would do anything to help Jane, even pretend that Jane lived at her house and that they were together. Maura did settle into the idea though, a little bit. She did sometimes think of Jane and a life with her together before all this. She didn't know now if she was doing this for Jane or for herself to get a glimpse of what life could be. Maybe she should have had Jane stay at the hospital and not allowed this risky game of pretend. Maura started to question her decision.

Jane was still fighting her tears and Maura walked over to the living room to bring a box of tissue back to the kitchen island and sat back down next to Jane at the bar chairs. Maura handed Jane a tissue and put her hand on Jane's shoulder. "Jane, what can't you remember?"

Jane turned to look at Maura.

"You, Maura. Us. I can't remember us. I can't remember this house and our life in it. I'm losing my mind. All I get are glimpses of faint memories that disappear as soon as I get near them. I'm losing it. God, Maura, what is happening to me?" Jane continued to cry. "I can barely remember making love with you, Maura, my own wife." Maura usually felt unsure of the proper reaction in interpersonal situations but when it came to Jane, her instincts were in control. She stood and wrapped her arms around her and held her while Jane cried it all out.

After Jane had calmed some, Maura walked her back to the living room and sat her down there. Maura needed to make a phone call. "Jane, I know someone with whom you can talk and help figure out what is happening with you. I'll be right back, I need to make some calls. I'll be just a few minutes."

"No, Maura. Don't go." The normally fearless Jane was anything but in that moment. "I don't want to be alone."

"Jane, you aren't alone." Maura's heart broke a little seeing Jane like this. "I'll be just off in the study. I'll be back as soon as I can. Ok? I promise, I'll be right back."

"Ok, Maura, just hurry ok? I need you." Maura's heart felt like it was in a vice. Jane needs her. Her Jane.

Maura grabbed her cell phone and quickly dialed Dr. Swen's number. She answered on the second ring.

"I'd hoped I'd hear from you, Maura. What is the progress report on our patient? How is she recovering?"

"Rachel, she's distraught. Physically her injuries are healing normally, but she is confused and is feeling like she's losing her mind. Her concerns surround her inability to remember our wedding day and the thing that seems to be even more distressing to her is that she can't remember our wedding night or us, here, in this house. This is so crazy, we never even HAD a wedding day and as for 'us', well that never happened either. I really don't know what to do. I am not prepared to handle the complexity of Jane's injuries."

"Maura, this is to be expected. Maybe you should take her out of that environment. If it is confusing her then take her someplace new. I have a friend with a cottage up on Cape Cod, it's on the outer cape, the perfect place to get away. I'll make the arrangements. There is a hospital nearby in Provincetown, just in case. Can you leave tomorrow? I can meet you there in a week. I'll join you briefly before my conference and I can come back to check on you after my three day conference is over. Does that sound agreeable to you?"

Maura hesitated. She was frightened for Jane. Seeing Jane cry like that threw her off balance. Jane was her rock. Losing her solid foundation, Maura was unsure.

"I don't know Rachel, maybe I should take her into a psychiatric hospital."

"Maura, of course you can do that, but the shock and stigma that would cause to Jane is probably more harmful than if you were to take her to a more peaceful, less stressful place. Trust me on this Maura. As long as she isn't behaving as if she might endanger herself or you, this is the better path to take."

"Alright, Rachel. And you said you can be there in a week?"

"Yes, I can get there and meet you, Maura. I will text the address and details later tonight when I've made all the arrangements. Start packing. You may need to be there more than ten days. Winter on the outer cape might be extra cold so be prepared to dress warmly but this time of year is when it is the most peaceful. It is the exact environment you need. Your own little bubble in the universe."

Maura took a breath and let it out. "Rachel, there is something else."

"What is it, Maura? Has Jane started to become frustrated and violent? If she is a danger you should.." Maura cut her off.

"No, that's not it. Rachel, Jane does think we are married and, well, I let her kiss me. I don't know if it is right. I mean, I'm trying to make this situation easier on her but I don't know how far I should let it go. And if we were to go to the cottage, I might find myself.." Maura paused for a short moment. She was almost embarrassed to say, "I might find myself under pressure."

"Oh dear Maura. I remember you always did very well with the ladies. If you can manage to avoid the intimacy, then do try. But Jane is fragile right now. She needs to believe you are there for her. Tell me, Maura, do you have feelings for Jane? Romantic feelings?"

"Rachel, you know I do. I mean, have you _seen_ Jane? I know you haven't, but why else would I let her kiss me and be going through this?"

"I figured as much. As long as you treat Jane with love and respect, she likely won't hold anything against you when her memory returns. She may or may not remember what has happened since she entered this state. But if she does remember and all you've been is loving, supportive and good to her, things should go more smoothly."

"This whole idea feels like I'm taking advantage of Jane in her confused state. Rachel. I love her. I have loved her for years. I have just been too afraid to admit it to her and even to myself. I'm probably not the best person to care for Jane right now. The way I'm feeling, I'm too close, too connected. I'm afraid I'll do something I'll regret, or Jane will regret. I'm not on stable ground here, Rachel."

"Maura, you aren't taking advantage. I can tell by the way you talk about her that you'd never purposely do any harm. If anything, you're the best thing for her right now. When you think about it, Jane must have been fixated on you before this event. You aren't hurting her Maura. Now go pack. I'll make the calls."

"Alright, Rachel. I'll listen for your call later tonight. Goodbye. And thank you."

"Of course, Maura. I'll see you in about a week. Goodbye."

She made one more call, this one to Frankie. She let him know her plan to take Jane away to the coast. He was relieved to learn that Maura had invited a psychiatrist there to meet them, but he was still alarmed at the situation.

After that call, Maura returned to Jane in the living room. Jane had started a movie on the tv and appeared relaxed. Maura sat next to Jane, playing her part as wife to the best of her ability. "Come here, Jane. Lie down over here." Maura reached for Jane and eased her down to rest her head on Maura's lap. Jane nestled in and Maura removed tangles from Jane's hair as they watched the tv. These ever escalating, intimate, relaxed moments kept happening with these two women. And here they were again, getting in deeper and deeper.

After some time there together, Maura's phone buzzed with a text. "sorry to contact you so late. sent address earlier. all is a go. see you in 5 days."

Maura roused a very relaxed Jane, "Jane, sweetie, it's time for bed. Come on." Once Jane had become a bit more alert, Maura moved forward with what she hoped would be an easy conversation and that Jane would not change her mind and argue about seeing a psychiatrist once the concept became a real option. "Jane, about the conversation we had earlier, I have a psychiatrist friend who specializes in the effects of head trauma. Would you be willing to speak with her in the next week or so?"

"I'm sure she's someone who graduated at the top of her class from some muckety-muck school or something if she's your friend." Jane always found ways to tease Maura. "I suppose there is no one more qualified on the earth to see me, huh? I trust you Maura. Yeah. I think it would be a good idea. If anything, I'll settle my mind around what has happened to me. Maybe she can help me clear the fuzzy memories because," Tears began to form in Jane's eyes as she continued, "There is only one thing I need in this world, Maura, and it is you, our life together. I never want to forget a single moment."

Maura's heart clenched again. Jane managed to say the most beautiful things.

This Jane seemed to have much softer edges and was much more agreeable. The personality changes resulting from the trauma were manifesting themselves regularly. Maura wasn't sure how she felt about that. She liked Jane's ways before. She fell in love with that Jane. The street smart, quick witted, instinctively independent and protective, regularly incorrigible and sometimes annoying smart-ass of a woman balanced her. That Jane filled gaps in Maura's strengths. Equal shares, but different pieces. They fit.

"I think that seeing her will be a healthy choice. And, Jane, there is even more. I'd like to get away, just the two of us for awhile. I have an arrangement for a cottage out on Cape Cod, would you be interested in going? We need a new perspective and I would enjoy spending time with just the two of us. Would you go with me on a mini vacation, Jane?"

Jane loved the idea. Jane's body noticeably relaxed at the thought. Mostly she liked the idea of being alone with Maura. She desperately wanted to reconnect. "Oh, yes. Babe, that is exactly what we need. I'm sorry for all my blubbering. I should expect some confusion from such a big hit to the noggin' anyway, shouldn't I? I don't know what came over me. Maura, nothing in my life will ever be bad as long as I have you."

Maura was not so certain. Jane's behavior change had been dramatic and Jane's unfaltering belief that the two of them had been married and had been building a life together was thought-provoking and intriguing as an idea, but for it to be Jane's reality now, Maura couldn't even process. Maura needed Jane to get back on track with the real reality. Maura hoped that the doctor was correct and that this game of pretend is the thing Jane needs. To Maura, this alternate reality had started to become a comfortable place, and that in itself was on Maura's mind. She needed to stop letting herself feel. Maura stood in the bathroom brushing her teeth.

Jane stepped toward Maura as Maura stood in her flannel pajamas with a sonic toothbrush buzzing inside her mouth near the sink. Maura knew Jane was angling for a kiss, but she had a mouthful of toothpaste. She started to giggle when Jane kept coming closer. Maura still had two quadrants of her mouth to clean, brushing ones teeth is a process. Plus, she needed to prevent herself from laughing and making a mess of the toothpaste. Finally, Jane let her reach the sink and finish. They both started laughing and Jane leaned in for her kiss. Maura let it happen. "Mmm, minty." Jane smiled and handed Maura a towel so she could dry her face. Jane's smile was like heaven on earth. Maura's heart swelled. Jane grinned and the two of them went to the guest room.

Nearly every moment with Jane since that kiss had been super-charged somehow. She felt the possibility of what might transpire between them. It made her nervous but it also made her excited for what could be. She admitted to herself that she did enjoy their easy ways as of late. Maura searched her own memories with Jane, was Jane always this romantic? Maura tried to stop her thoughts. That kind of thinking she should hold until after Jane was well.

Once in bed, Jane slid her arm around Maura and pulled much closer than on previous nights. Maura sensed the difference immediately. Jane's hand slid down and across Maura's flannel covered stomach and Jane leaned her face toward Maura's jawline. Maura could feel the energy emanating from Jane. She needed to cool this down. Not yet, not here, she thought. "Jane, I'm glad we talked today. You know we have a lot to do in the morning before our drive and the roads aren't perfect. I need you to get your rest, ok?" She felt Jane's body flex lightly as Jane rested her head back against her own pillow. Jane kept her protective arm around Maura and did not say a word. Maura managed to keep the flannel on for one more night.

Jane needed to be close to Maura. She needed to feel their bodies together. Jane thought that maybe Maura wanted to reconnect while they were away. She could wait one more night.

Both women relived the memory of that kiss in the kitchen that was fresh in their minds. They both drifted to sleep with love and expectation and yearning subtly resonating in the small room.

_Notes: Jane's Last Place bowling trophy looks alot like this: awardsmall dot com/Jackass-Award-Traveling-Joke-Trophy_p__

_Also, begging forgiveness before requesting you suspend disbelief with the doctor's outlandish advice._


	8. Chapter 8, The Adventure Begins

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch8, The Adventure Begins**

Waking up tangled in and among Jane's arms and legs was something Maura began to expect and look forward to each morning. She stretched her arms above her head and slid her legs across the smooth sheets of the bed. Jane adjusted in her sleep and Maura quietly removed herself from the bed to begin the preparations for their drive to the outer cape.

While standing in the shower thinking about what might happen over the next ten days, Maura considered the potential for Jane to recover her memory along the road. Maura finally took the time to prepare herself mentally for any conceivable contingency for the duration of this trip. That is simply how her mind worked. Every possible pathway to every possible end was traced in her mind. She wondered if she herself would be capable to handle whatever happens on this trip and momentarily considered that she might be 'in over her head' as Jane would say. Maura exited the shower with a mental map of her next tasks.

Rambling through the house assembling items necessary for their excursion, Maura noticed all of Jane's belongings around the house. She discerned that Frankie and she had placed them, but she couldn't help the sensation that she'd somehow gone into a time machine that showed her the future. It was a gift of a realization of what could be, the real prospect of a life with Jane, not some hopeful, mischievous, teasing game of Counting Coup. The feeling she had standing among what could be a premonition of her future encouraged her to drive on with Jane. She couldn't hesitate. She must see this through, help Jane recover and then, together with Jane, build their life. She anticipated that this pathway would be tenuous and challenging. At least there was one thing she was sure about today, she knew in that moment that she wanted this, a life with Jane.

She collected enough supplies, clothing and odds and ends to last them for over a week into three large suitcases and then she checked the weather to be certain of driving conditions. The snow was supposed to continue to fall most of the day but it was light and the roads were dry. No more obstacles.

She packed a few more things and then went to wake Jane for what would be a nearly three hour drive accounting for weather.

There she was, sleeping so peacefully, Maura nearly decided to wait a bit and give Jane the peace and quiet she knew she needed. Instead, Maura momentarily gave in, just a little, to the invisible pull she felt since the moment they were introduced and existed inside any room containing Jane Rizzoli. She climbed back into the bed with Jane and lay next to her for a short while for no other reason than that being near Jane this way just felt so good. After a few minutes, Jane began to move and nearly rolled into her waking up. "Hey babe.' Jane drew in a slow breath. "Mmmmm, I love waking up next to you. You smell so good." Jane reached to hold Maura.

Maura slipped away and stood, "Jane, that's because I've already showered. It's time for you to get ready so we can go. Now, come on, let me help you." Maura went to the side of the bed to help Jane sit up. Jane was going to need some help yet with her broken rib still healing. So she eased Jane to a sitting position. With Maura standing in front of Jane with her legs against Jane's knees, Jane separated her own knees and pulled Maura closer. She wrapped her arms around Maura's waist and placed her head against her torso. Maura looked down to the top of Jane's head and gently moved her hands to the back of Jane's neck and softly held her there. They stayed in this position for a moment, both of them comfortable, unwilling to move.

Finally, Jane husked in her sleepy, morning voice, "Ok, let's get this adventure started. Just point me to toward the shower and give me a push."

Maura helped Jane for a bit and went to prepare some coffee and food for in the ride and then loaded the heavy bags into the trunk of her car. Overflow had to go to the back seat since the Jaguar's trunk, even with the top up, didn't hold very much. Maura never considered herself much of a wrestler, but positioning the suitcases and other items inside the car was combination of a game of Tetris and a wrestling match.

Maura smiled as she remembered the day Jane forced her to play Tetris on a super-sized video game during a surprise outing to an arcade. When Jane discovered that Maura had never heard of Tetris, she immediately drove them directly to The Beacon Hill Pub and their recently installed, shiny, new, full-sized Tetris machine. Maura was hooked and they didn't leave the bar until the owner requested they go so he could lock up. Jane was always bringing new adventure to her life. Since they met, her days with Jane rapidly became the best part of her existence and Maura didn't want that to ever end.

Maura pushed the silver button to start the car and let it warm up. She returned to the house to find Jane was dressed and almost ready. "Jane, you should dry your hair before you go out into the cold."

"Ah, it can dry on the way, you do have a heater in that spaceship you call a car don't you? See, I won't even have a chance to get cold." Jane had a point.

"I put some tofu and egg scramble breakfast wraps in the cooler in the car Jane. We should be going, you can eat your breakfast on the way." They both stepped outside the house and Maura locked the door.

Walking to the car, Maura stopped Jane for a moment. "Jane, thank you for agreeing to go with me. I think we need some time to get you better, away from everyone here and all the pressures of daily living." Jane saw that Maura seemed nervous and took Maura's hands. "Maur, sweetheart. I'd go anywhere with you. You know that." and she leaned in for the briefest kiss. "Now come on, if we're out here any longer, my hair is going to turn into one big icicle."

Jane climbed into the passenger seat. The seat was deep and wrapped around a bit at the sides. This car felt like it was built for racing. Maura punched the address into the on-board navigation system and they were on their way.

Jane pulled her breakfast from it's wrapping. She looked over to Maura for confirmation. "Really, you're going to let me eat in your new car?" Maura just grinned. "Well now, isn't Dr. Isles dropping her standards?" Jane loved to tease Maura. "and Tofu? Really?"

"Jane, you know it's good, I've prepared this for you before and you said you enjoyed it."

"As long as you put some meat in there, I'll be happy."

"Yes, Jane, I crumbled some bacon inside just for you."

"Oooh yummy, bacon! You know me well. Bacon makes everything better. You know, if you put bacon on your quinoa I might even eat that stuff too."

"You would, Jane? You know the protein content in quinoa is very high. It was a staple among the Pre-Columbian Andean mountain dwelling people. Today it is called a super-food but isn't it interesting that thousands of years ago, without knowing the benefits, this simple food nourished an entire civilization?"

"Well no wonder the monks from Tibet never smile, if they have to eat that stuff. I'll bet the Frangelico monks from Italy could show the Tibetan monks a thing or two about throwing a party."

"Jane, the Andes are in South America. Tibet is a plateau region in the Himalayas, a mountain range in Asia, a completely different continent. But yes, I will concede your point. Some monks do know 'how to party'."

"Whatever, wiki-warrior woman. Hey, that Frangelico stuff was really good, we should pick some up."

They were both laughing. Maura did notice that Jane just recalled the Frangelico from the night before her head injury. Maura wondered if it wouldn't be very long now before Jane 'wakes up'.

"And Maura, I was only joking about putting bacon on quinoa. Please, just don't. I prefer my quinoa in that nice recipe you make with goat cheese. I mean, why waste perfectly good bacon?" Jane took a bite of her tofu, egg, (with the tiniest pieces of bacon) breakfast wrap.

"Jane, just eat your breakfast." Jane flashed her eyes at Maura and beamed in pride more than just a bit. Maura was laughing. She loved to make Maura happy.

Jane's mouth was full and she quickly chewed to clear it to speak. "Maura, _you_ just drive. I wanna see this cottage. I mean, who goes to a cottage on the cape in the winter? Don't get me wrong, I want to go. I mean I'd love to shovel snow guarding a broken rib after we get buried by a storm in the middle of nowhere." Jane tested Maura's sense of humor and turned to get a glance at the lovely doctor. "You must really want to get away." Jane watched Maura's smile turn serious.

Maura briefly glanced toward Jane. If she only knew. Maura was glad to see Jane behaving more like herself, and seeming to remember more and more of their actual time together before, well with the one enormously concerning difference, that she still thought they were married. "Jane, there are no weather related events expected, I checked the forecast before we left." Maura knew not to use the word storm because Maura did expect a storm, one in the form of Jane recovering her memory and reacting in a typical Jane manner. Maura put her eyes to the road clutching the steering wheel a bit tighter than usual and drove on.

"Fine, but when it gets cold, you're gonna be the one to chop down a tree for firewood. Are there even trees out there?"

Together they rode the several hours to from Boston to just south of Provincetown. Jane occasionally pulled Maura's hand from the steering wheel and held it until Maura needed it to go back to the wheel. The light snow was coming down, adding to the over twelve inches that had already accumulated since the last storm. Along the way, most of the shops were closed up with only a few of the restaurants and business remaining open to the public during the off-season.

Maura drove past the cottage and took them all the way in to Provincetown to get her bearings and to find a grocery store to stock the tiny house. Along Commercial Street in Provincetown, she stopped at Angel Market. When the two got out of the car they were struck by the charm of the fishing town's uniquely coastal architecture. It was as if they'd stepped into a postcard. Jane took Maura's hand as they walked inside for groceries.

Once inside the market, they were struck again by wonderfully delicious smells of freshly prepared food at the deli counter. Maura and Jane weaved their way along the aisles with Jane continually reaching for Maura's hand. Jane wanted to be close. Something felt so incredibly romantic to Maura. The most simple task of grocery shopping had been transformed into a whole new kind of experience. Everything seemed so much richer and brighter and more intense. She could feel the connectedness between herself and Jane. There was an energy building. They loaded their shopping cart and headed toward the deli for some freshly prepared items.

The man working behind the deli counter watched the two approach. "So, where are you two girls from?"

"Oh we're in from Boston for a mini-vacation. This is such lovely town." Maura was ever the polite one.

"What can I prepare for you ladies?"

Jane's eyes were all over the contents of the glass display. This was the source of all the delicious smells. "May we have the whole roasted chicken with potato salad and coleslaw." Jane looked toward Maura. "Is that ok, sweetie? That chicken just looks too good to leave behind."

Maura smiled and nodded her head and added, "May we also have six of these freshly baked rolls?"

"Sure," he said. "Would you like to sample the clam chowda? It's the best on Cape Cod. We also have some Lobsta Bisque. Now that, even I would drive a hundred miles to get." The man's rural Massachusetts accent was noticeable to the two women. This charming town was winning them and they'd only, so far, been to the grocery store.

"That sounds lovely. Jane, would you like to try some?"

"Yeah, sure. Thanks"

The man behind the counter handed them two small bowls, one clam chowder and the other lobster bisque, and began his task of packing their order.

Jane took a spoonful of the lobster bisque and her eyes grew big. "By the power of Grayskull, oh my God, this is so good. Maura, this is the lobster bisque?"

"Gray what? Yes, Jane, you have the lobster bisque."

"Gah, woman! What did they make you do the whole time you were a kid?" Jane held her bowl up. "This lobster stuff is incredible. Oh Maura, we have to get some of this. Just get enough for the whole week, I could eat this every day."

Jane put some in her spoon and offered it to Maura. Maura leaned in and Jane put the spoon into her mouth. Maura's eyes closed as she savored the luxurious richness of the most wonderfully prepared lobster bisque she'd ever tasted.

Maura opened her eyes to look at Jane as she pulled the spoon from her mouth. "See, Babe, I told you. It's really good." Jane had a silly grin on her face as she stood putting the spoon back into the little bowl for more.

Maura tried her clam chowder to less effect. "Excuse me sir, would you add a quart sized container of your lovely lobster bisque?"

The man smiled a wide smile. He'd happily watched the two interact. "I thought you two might like it, it is just the thing on a wintry romantic night when you stay in from the cold. You should take a look at the selection of wines before you go. And, remember, we're open all season. Come on back anytime."

Maura noted the man's 'romantic night' comment and she remembered that Provincetown is the lesbian mecca for the eastern seaboard. No concerns about anyone thinking them out of place as they held hands or even if Jane kissed her in public. This surreal experience had enough anxious moments built in, at least the townspeople would be welcoming. That was one worry off of Maura's mind.

She turned to look for Jane. Maura hadn't noticed the wine room before the man pointed it out and walked over to find Jane opening the exquisitely designed stained glass wine cellar door. Maura followed her in and was astonished that such a small market held such a large and eclectic stock of wines. The temperature was a bit more chilled in that room and she stood next to Jane as they explored the interesting wines. It was such a small, confined space they spoke in whispers. They took their time looking around, enjoying the closeness the small space allowed and the continuing warm feelings that had begun all the way back in Boston that morning.

"Hey Maura, let's get this one, the label is cool." Maura looked toward Jane shaking her head in disbelief, "Jane, we don't select wines based on label design, that is such a marketing tool." She reached for the bottle in Jane's hand and leaned across in front of Jane to replace it on the shelf. When Maura moved to stand back up, Jane inhaled and reached for Maura's hand. "Maura, um, let's, let's get this stuff to the cottage. I'm excited to see what the place looks like." Maura knew that's not what Jane was thinking. Maura felt it too. It was time.

Maura selected some otherwise attention-grabbing wines and they both exited the wine cellar. Jane spotted the distinctively shaped bottle of her newest favorite liqueur, Frangelico, just outside the door and slid it into their cart.

They paid and left the grocery store. While they loaded the groceries into the back seat, Jane noticed an art gallery and museum across the street. The banner in the front informed they'd be open through winter. "Maura, let's come back tomorrow and we can go into the art gallery. I know you'd love that."

"Ok Jane, let's see how the weather holds up and see how you feel, but I would love to go there with you." Maura didn't want to guarantee anything as to their schedule, so many factors were in play.

Jane was still on the driver's side of the car while Maura loaded the groceries inside. Once the last item was stowed, Jane reached for Maura and pulled her close with her hands low on Maura's waist. They stood in the parking lot, light snow falling all around with the wind blowing. Their breath was visible as they exhaled into the cold air. The sparkle in Jane's eyes was, to Maura, like looking into a candle's flame. She could not tear her eyes away. For stability, Maura put her gloved hands on Jane's upper arms. Jane leaned in and Maura could feel Jane's cool skin against hers as Jane softly placed a kiss against Maura's lips. They stood in the cold wind holding that kiss, feeling the warmth from it. Jane broke away and reached up to remove a snowflake from her wife's now windblown hair, "OK, let's get you home and all warmed up. I'm hungry!"

Maura drove them back toward the cottage with a small detour past the hospital. She wanted to be sure she'd be able to bring Jane quickly if need be. Jane was calmly looking outside the car window at the charming scenery along the way. This place was idyllic, most of its streets were narrow and compact, there were wooden pathways along the wharf and fishing boats moored along the harbor. It was like stepping back in time. The charm had insinuated itself into their imagination. Boston seemed more than a few hundred miles away. They found themselves on a virtual bubble escape, just what Dr. Swen ordered for them both.

The cottage was equally delightful. It appeared that someone had recently removed the snow from the parking place as well as the sidewalks. Maura reminded herself to thank her friend later. Rachel must have called someone to prepare the cottage for their arrival. They went inside to check out their space, carrying just the groceries in for now. Jane couldn't carry very much with her rib so Maura did the heavy lifting. Jane pulled the hot food from the bags and found plates in the kitchen.

Maura found the control for the heat to get that going, the house seemed chilled to her even though the temperature had been set at 68 degrees. Maura realized that it wasn't the house that was chilled, it was her. Her nerves were getting the best of her. She rationalized that the 'fight or flight' reflex had involuntarily kicked in. Maura was nervous about what this week would bring and even more so now with the practically carnivorous look she saw in Jane's eyes back at the wine cellar. Maura wondered if this was nervousness or excitement of anticipation but she was definitely being physically affected. Maura's hands were shaking.

Maura breathed in deeply and slowly let it go. She told herself that she could handle this.

Maura wished that Dr. Swen could be there sooner. All of the recent events were beginning to overwhelm the usually unflappable Dr. Isles. Without Jane as her keystone, grounding her, she was beginning to be set adrift. Part of her realized now how much Jane wanted a relationship with her from the beginning. Frankie was quite clear and, if she were to be honest with herself, she sensed it before during the many moments they shared together. Jane would have described it as a 'gut' feel, but Maura was never one to trust her intestines.

At that time, before all this, there was still that invisible line she dared only approach and touch briefly. Flirting glances, lingering touches and ambiguous double entendre were all part of Maura's practice in her engaging version of Counting Coup, but she knew there were real feelings behind those behaviors. To think that if she'd only been brave enough to do more than play a game, her life with Jane could already be well on it's way. But Maura didn't deal in hypotheticals, Maura dealt with facts and the facts were clearly showing her that after Jane recovers her memory, Maura should assert her desires toward Jane.

If she'd never been brave before, she needed all she could muster now. Here she was in the middle of discovering her own intense need to have Jane in her life, not just as friend or even lover. She wanted all of Jane, a partner in life. For keeps.

Maura went back out to lug the heavy suitcases from the car herself. It was all about taking care of Jane at this point. She did what she needed to do.

_Note: For those who may have missed it, 'By the power of Grayskull' is a reference to the He-Man cartoon series from the 80's "Masters of the Universe". Jane likely would have watched it with her brothers growing up._

_The next chapter title is: Inescapable Spark, and will force the story rating to change to M._


	9. Chapter 9, Inescapable Spark

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch9, Inescapable Spark**

Maura pulled the suitcases into the bedroom and walked out to the kitchen to find Jane standing behind the counter looking out the window holding a bowl of lobster bisque. She heard Maura coming closer and turned to see her. "I couldn't wait Maura, this stuff is sooo good."

"That's fine Jane, I might like some too though." Maura smiled and stood next to Jane.

"When my rib stops feeling like it is poking into my lung, I will help you carry all the heavy stuff, but for now, I'm just useless. I'm sorry you had to move the luggage by yourself."

Maura nodded but didn't say anything. Both were transfixed by the scene before them out the window facing the ocean. The sky was gray and snowflakes were sailing across the window pane riding on the blowing wind. Wisps of tall grass danced as they reached higher than the depth of the thick blanket of snow on the dunes. The waves roared. Jane and Maura stared out at the heavy gray crashing waves.

"It sure looks cold out there, Maura. I hope you don't have too many outdoor activities planned." Jane pulled a spoonful of hot soup from her bowl and offered it to Maura. Maura allowed Jane to feed her. If she was in this, she was committing. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Maura swallowed and responded to Jane, "Mmmm, Thank you." Maura dabbed her lips with a napkin. "Well, considering this was a last minute excursion, I haven't planned anything other than time together. There is no itinerary at all. We can do anything you like, Jane. But first, I'd like to have a real meal and no matter how delicious the lobster bisque may be, I want more than just a few bites of your soup."

Maura knew she was delaying the inevitable.

"Great, More for me." Jane laughed as she walked around the counter where the remaining items from the deli were ready for their meal. Maura approached from the other side of the counter and they prepared their plates for dinner. "Hey, do you mind if we eat in the living room, I noticed that the big picture window overlooks the water, does that sound ok to you Maur?"

"Sure, I'll get our drinks and meet you in there." Maura took this opportunity to shake the nerves out of her system. She picked up Jane's parka that had somehow landed on the floor and hung it at the back of the bar-stool at the counter. She picked up her glass took a good long drink of her wine before she also picked up Jane's glass and headed toward the tiny cottage living room.

When Maura entered, Jane was already nestled up on the couch with her feet tucked under, eating her dinner and watching wave after wave hit the beach. Maura sat beside her and picked up her plate sitting on the side table. "It looks like a storm out there with the big waves, Maura."

"It does." Maura felt the storm inside herself as well. "But at least the snow has stopped. The sky looks like it's clearing too. Maybe tomorrow will be a pretty day."

"I know you checked the weather, and the sun is starting to come out, but I think those waves look bigger than they did half an hour ago. Is that because the tide is coming in? By the looks of the size of those things, are you sure we won't be carried off to sea in our sleep?"

"While waves and tides both occur naturally in the all large bodies of water, they are two very dissimilar phenomena. Tides are cyclical rises and falls in seawater levels. Waves, on the other hand, are ocean swells that occur at any time of the day or night." Maura paused for a breath and a nervous thought entered her mind. "Both waves and tides are normally harmless, but if waves and tides come together in the right arrangement, cataclysmic, momentous events are possible."

"So, I'm still asking, are you sure we won't be carried off to sea in our sleep?" Jane eyed Maura with some bit of amusement.

"Jane, the likelihood of our being swept away, although possible, it is improbable. We are going to be fine." That is not what Maura was thinking. Maura was considering what right combination of events were about to come together and none of her calculations involved waves of seawater. She rephrased, "We should be fine."

"Ok, Dr. Smartypants. How does your baked chicken taste? Mine is delicious."

"It is delightful. I'm glad you requested this from the deli. I am relieved that I didn't have to prepare a meal for us tonight after that long drive and we can simply enjoy this quiet peaceful experience."

"Peaceful? You mean beside the monster waves 100 yards from this tiny house?"

Maura smiled and took a bite of her food.

Jane finished her plate and set it down on a side table. She poured herself another glass of wine and topped off Maura's glass as well. She took a sip. "Maura, I like this wine with the rooster label."

"Oh, yes, Jane, it is very good."

"See, I told you we could buy our wine based on the cool labels and we'd be fine."

Maura shook her head and laughed under her breath. Jane was incorrigible at times. But she loved these times. Maura was beginning to relax. The easy conversation flowed as the waves kept coming one after another, after another, and the sky had mostly cleared outside the enormous picture window. The setting sun shed a glow throughout the tiny room and only a half circle of blaze orange remained above the horizon.

"Maura, did you know that the sun sparks just before it sets below the horizon?"

"Jane, it does not."

"No, really it does, come here." She took Maura's hand and led her to stand next to the window with her. Now watch for it. Jane moved behind Maura and snaked her hands around Maura's waist. They admired the orange and purple rays filtering through the remaining clouds above as the fireball sank deeper and deeper into the ocean off the cape.

"Ok, Maura at the exact instant the sun is about to disappear, you have to jump up and you will see the spark."

Maura turned her head back to look at Jane for a moment. "Jane, what are you doing? There will be no spark." She shook her head in confusion toward Jane and turned back around. They stood there together closely, gently swaying side to side, Jane behind Maura, they watched and waited. Maura leaned into Jane and tilted her head back against Jane's shoulder.

"You'll see Maura, if you jump at the right moment, you'll see." Jane's arms around Maura felt so good to her. She appreciated Jane's attempt to be close to her as silly as it sounded, waiting for a spark. After about five minutes of slow swaying and watching the sun drop lower, Jane stepped away from Maura.

"Maur, ok, it's about to go down. Get ready to jump."

"Jane, really? Must I?"

"What? Of course, I can't believe you've never seen the spark before. Get ready, you'll miss it. Turn around and look."

Maura turned and watched for the last light and at the moment the sun disappeared, she jumped up. When she landed on her feet having not seen a spark from the sun, she turned toward Jane with slight embarrassment believing she'd been fooled. Jane stood gazing at Maura with a soft, loving smile and fervent stare.

"Maur, so did you see it?"

Maura wasn't even sure anymore to what Jane was referring. "No Jane, I did not see the spark."

"Ahhh… really? Well, then your timing must have been just a touch off." Jane teased quietly, "Oh well, better luck next time." Jane stepped closer to Maura and dropped her voice to a near-whisper, "You know, I probably should have told you, the timing needs to be just right."

She took Maura into her arms and leaned in close. "A little too soon… and you miss it." Jane dropped down and kissed the corner of Maura's mouth then pulled back a few inches. "A little too late… and you miss it." She kissed the other corner. "It has to be perfect. Like this." And Jane pressed a kiss dead center on Maura's mouth. Floating once again, Maura may not have seen the spark but there was one. She could feel it all around her.

Jane continued to press her mouth against Maura's. Maura opened herself to accept Jane's offering and their tongues slid together deepening the kiss. It was as if something caged had been unleashed and Maura could feel the intensity increasing. She couldn't push Jane away. She could no longer hold back. A pained look crept across her face. She wanted this. She exhaled and went for more. She wanted Jane more than she's wanted anyone in her life. Whatever repercussions, she would deal with them later. Right now, all she wanted, all she needed, was Jane.

Jane maneuvered them back to the living room couch. Maura laid herself down as Jane pressed on. Their bodies flush now, desire escalating and unstoppable. Wet open-mouthed kisses were without aim, sliding over each other and back again, tongues colliding. Maura's hands were gliding along Jane's back as Jane rested her weight on top of Maura. Jane was unrelenting in her touch and Maura gave over to passion. Jane pulled back to give space enough to begin to unbutton Maura's blouse. As each button was undone, Jane's eyes returned to Maura's then set back to the task of the next button. Maura's breathing became deeper, stronger, filled with want. Maura's heartbeat was heavy in her chest, pounding so hard she imagined Jane could hear it. One by one the buttons popped open and one by one the barriers between the two women were dwindling to none.

Maura couldn't move fast enough to slide Jane's shirt off her body and pull Jane down to rejoin their kiss. Jane moved her knee down so the top of her thigh again pressed against Maura. Maura responded immediately to the pressure and her movements intensified even more. Maura breathed out heavily and took in another breath. "Jane." Her hands seeking, her kisses urgent. Deeper. More, she wanted more. She tilted her hips for more pressure and a firm, steady rhythm began to form.

Jane moved her mouth across Maura's face and down along the side of her neck. She began to gently draw and suck at Maura's pulse point matching the rhythm of Maura's hips, "Oh God, Jane." Maura's mind was lost, caught up in the feeling of Jane consuming her body. "Yes." She'd give it all to Jane. "Yes, Jane." She belonged to Jane. "Please, Jane."

Jane started to feel the pain of her broken rib. She didn't want to stop, but her body couldn't maintain. She pulled away from Maura's neck and breathed. "Maur," Jane winced. "Maur, can we move this to the bedroom? I can't hold this position." She breathed some more to regain her senses. "I'm so sorry babe, my rib. It hurts."

Maura fought to come out of her daze to help Jane, "Of course. Jane, let me help you." Jane tenderly sat back as Maura lay on the couch. Maura forced her eyes wide drawing in a deep breath and forcefully exhaled to regain her bearings. She looked up toward Jane to see the pain showing in Jane's face. Maura felt pain as well, but a different kind.

Maura slipped her legs from beneath Jane and sat up. Maura's body was still buzzing. She looked at Jane who had begun to perspire. "Jane, do you need your pain medicine? I'll get that for you."

"Yeah, Maura I think so. I guess we got a little carried away there didn't we?"

Maura was still caught up in the mutual energy they'd shared between them. "Maur, sweetie, where'd ya go?" Jane weakly waved one hand in front of the beautiful love of her life. "Earth to Maura."

"Oh, right, carried away? Yes. Yes we did get carried away for a moment. Jane, you need to be careful as your body tries to heal." She stood to help Jane to the bedroom. Even with the break in intensity, the sensation surrounding them remained.

She took Jane to the bed then Maura went to the luggage for Jane's pain medication. She put it on the nightstand. "Jane, I'll be right back, I'm going to get you some water."

"Ok, I'm not going anywhere." Jane felt so happy that she had such a wonderful woman to care for her. Tonight, despite the pain, Jane intended to demonstrate how much she loved her wife.

Maura stood in the kitchen still throbbing and hot as she filled Jane's glass with water. She inhaled deeply and exhaled again while the water poured into the glass then returned with the glass of water and set it on the nightstand. "Jane, I'm just going to go clear the dinner mess and I'll be right in."

"Ok sweetheart." Jane looked at her medication on the nightstand. Jane willed the pain away. She was not taking the pain medication until after she sent Maura to paradise and back tonight, no matter what it took.

Maura cleared the plates and the kitchen while she reminisced over the very recent episode in the living room. "A spark? Really Jane?" She chuckled to herself how she allowed Jane to lead her down a path. It was all so Jane. Her Jane. It was as if Maura _wanted_ to believe. Maura laughed at the absurdity of it all. She knew now that if Jane said the moon was made of cheese, she might wonder what kind. She would want to believe it because it came from Jane.

It was love.

Maura stopped her thoughts or a moment. This Jane was not Jane. She was so easily lulled into believing. She needed to stop. Their time would come, just not until Jane was herself again. She doesn't even know what came over her in the living room. She shook her head and thought, Jane is good, very very good at seduction. Not that Maura needed much persuasion at this point, but Maura admired Jane's mystical power to draw her in.

After she'd cleared the mess, she went back to check on Jane. "Hey, you, I'm just going to go ahead and get ready for bed. I'll join you shortly." Maura removed what she needed from the suitcases and made her way to the bathroom and took a good long shower. Maura stood, letting heat flow across her body and down to the drain. After what Jane did to her in the living room, her body was aching for release but she refused to give in. This belonged to Jane. Everything. There was no turning back now. But not tonight, she figured that Jane would be sleeping shortly after taking her medication and she'd just slip into the bed without incident.

When Maura arrived in the bedroom, she found Jane wide awake and waiting. The look on Jane's face sent a flash of awareness through Maura's body. Maura's hands started to nervously shake again. She approached the bed.

"Took you long enough." Jane joked and pulled Maura into the bed, flannel pajamas and all. "Are these your new favorites? I might need to tell my mother so she can find more of these for you." Maura laughed at that while Jane moved her arms around Maura's body.

"Jane, don't hurt yourself again." Maura started to giggle as Jane kept sliding her arms around Maura. Maura turned to face Jane as she lay in the bed. Jane had a serious look on her face and Maura's took the same look. "What is it Jane? Are you alright?"

A soft smile appeared again, "Maura, I love you." Jane took her left hand and moved to the side of Maura's face then with her thumb, slid the tiniest piece of hair off her forehead. "I love you, Maura." She looked into Maura's eyes. There was nothing Maura could do. The spell was too strong and she accepted Jane's kisses as they came pouring into her. Jane's ardent affection spilled across her body. Her nerves were on fire. She felt every breath, every move, every kiss, everything as if it were magnified.

Wave after wave Jane pressed on, removing the flannel and all that was beneath. Jane's hands were all over Maura's body burning her with her touch, hot kisses trailed along her neck, across her collarbone down between her breasts and along her waist to her hip and back to Maura's mouth. They both began to perspire. Jane removed her own remaining clothing and continued to worship Maura's body with her hands and her lips and her fingers and her tongue. Jane's left hand was cupping Maura's breast teasing at her nipple with her finger and thumb. The sensation from Jane's devotions sent Maura's body into overdrive. Maura was aching, she needed more. She took Jane's hand and slid it down her own body to the throbbing, tantalizing heat between her legs. She held Jane's hand there until Jane began to move on her own.

Maura released Jane's hand and reached for a handful of the sheet on the bed. Jane slid her fingertips down and slowly pulled a slick wet trail back upward and even more slowly, began to draw circles around Maura's sensitive swelling. At Jane's steady movements, the breathless blonde gripped and held the sheet with her hand then pressed her head harder into the pillow and her chin jutted up. Involuntarily, she rocked her hips upward toward Jane's hand. Jane gently increased the pressure. She kissed her way down Maura's neck to her breast and began to roll her nipple between her tongue and her lips. She began kissing and softly sucking. Maura started to pant, her breath forceful and unsteady as she subtly undulated her body chasing contact with Jane. Jane's hand slipped delicately deeper and found Maura ready.

Jane started to move her fingers gently, sliding and building a fresh cadence, caressing the velvety smooth, hot, wet, indescribable softness. Maura breathlessly moaned, "Oh, Jane." At the sound of Maura's voice, Jane's body responded by sending its own white hot surge straight down. Jane could feel heat amassing between her own legs, passion ratcheting higher in herself. A powerful burn sliced low in her belly. Impossible, she thought, Maura had barely touched her. She kept going.

Maura's breathing was unsettled. Maura needed more. "Jane, Please, Please." Jane instinctively knew what Maura wanted and delightedly offered her pleasure. She slid her fingers deeply inside. Maura's hips bucked harder against her and she cried out, "That's it, yes, more."

Jane felt a different burning pain from her broken rib, momentarily distracting her from her goal, but Maura's body needed her more. There was no way she could stop now. She would always do her best to never let Maura down. She pressed harder and moved against Maura building the energy, giving all she could to express her love for her wife. She moved her body up and over Maura's to get leverage and kissed against her neck. Maura turned her face and held her hands against Jane's to force their mouths together again. Maura was getting close.

Conscious thought had already abandoned Maura the moment Jane began to kiss her. There was no longer a decision in her jurisdiction. Her emotions were not in her control. Her own body was not in her control. She was caught on a wave and was about to crash into heavenly oblivion.

Jane sensed the approach of Maura's climax and she prepared herself. "Maura." She needed to capture Maura's eyes. "Maura, look at me." Maura struggled to open her eyes and looked toward Jane's face. As soon as Maura recognized the loving look in Jane's eyes, she let go and was swept away. Her eyes slammed shut again and she held Jane tightly as she rode out the biochemically induced euphoria while thunder continued to roll through her body. Jane maintained a soft movement until Maura reached to still her hand.

Jane laid on her side and held Maura while the most delicate, gentle and loving woman on earth shuddered through the aftershocks as they reverberated through her small frame. She watched as a tear escaped Maura's eye and rolled down her cheek and she caught the salty droplet with a kiss. Maura turned her eyes toward Jane and Jane could see boundless love behind them.

Maura stared back into Jane's eyes. If she actually were married to this woman, she'd consider herself lucky and expect that she'd be happy the rest of her days. She stayed in Jane's embrace rejoicing in the intensity of what they had between them. After she'd finally come down enough from her high, she began to notice the pained look that was coming over Jane's face. Maura stumbled as she tried to form words, still breathless, "J-Jane, are you in pain?"

"What? No. I mean, a little maybe."

Maura knew instantly that Jane had overdone it. "Jane did you take your pain medication?"

"Nope."

Maura turned her head toward the nightstand and saw the medicine still there. Maura's voice was soft, "Why Jane? You have been hurting today. I brought it to you before I went into the shower? Why didn't you take it?"

"The pain doesn't matter to me, Maura. You do."

Jane continued to caress Maura's bare skin as they lay together in the bed. "Maur, I wanted to make love to you. I needed to make love to you. That stuff makes me so sleepy and it felt like it had been forever and I just needed a fresh new memory to hold with me. All the others are fading so fast." Jane rolled to her back. "When is that doctor coming anyway?"

"In a few days, Jane. She said she'd be here before she goes to her conference in Connecticut this week. Today is Monday so she should be here on Saturday."

Reality hit Maura straight in the face with a slap; again, she'd nearly forgotten that Jane wasn't back to herself yet. She readied Jane's medicine and watched her down the pills.

Jane moved close and held Maura, just like the other nights at her house. And just like at her house, Maura stayed awake, thinking. The difference tonight though, both Maura and Jane were skin to skin, touching the full length of their bodies. No Flannel, nothing between them. Jane's arm carefully wrapped against Maura's waist, her head rested just behind Maura's head. Jane's breath gently rolled over Maura's neck and exposed shoulder, soothing her while Jane's body pressed closely behind. Maura's body continued to twitch as tiny repeats washed over her, over and over again, rattling her body for hours that night. Her body was still on fire from the spark that surrounded them. Inescapable.

_Note: Ok. So, I probably went way over the top with the sappy lovey stuff, but what I really wanna know is, do you like the story? or is it a confusing mess? Thank you for reading. Thank you for your time. _

_p.s. I'm signing up for comma school immediately. LOL_


	10. Chapter 10, Read To Me

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch10,** **Read to Me**

Early the next morning, before sunrise, Jane woke from her sleep with pain in her rib. Still wrapped around Maura, she remembered what she'd done with Maura the night before, it was worth the all pain she felt right now as a consequence. She reached over and pulled more pain medicine so she might go back to sleep.

Maura snuggled closer to Jane in the queen-sized bed. She was still asleep. There was a bit of a chill in the air and the two still lay naked under the fluffy down quilt. Crispy white cotton sheets caressed their skin as they held each other close. Jane lazily closed her eyes, waiting for the medicine to pull her back to unconsciousness and relieve her from the pain. She wrapped her arm tighter around Maura, still needing her to be near all the time. Jane drifted off dreaming of the graceful and elegant woman beside her.

When sunlight lit the room so brightly that neither could sleep any more, they were both awake in the bed, neither willing to leave the safety and warmth. The charmed intimacy they felt together there in that bed as they clung to each other, skin to skin, face to face as each memorized the features of the other made them feel as if nothing else mattered. They were enchantingly close with both of them thinking to themselves how breathtakingly beautiful the other was against the bright white bedding. Smiles crept across their faces.

Neither had yet broken the silence. Jane saw an endless constellation of freckles spread across Maura's fresh, clean face in the bright morning light. She reached for Maura's hand and slowly pulled Maura's arm from around her body and pressed a kiss to the inside of Maura's wrist. Mid-kiss, she lifted her brilliantly rich, brown eyes to see Maura watching. For Maura, that simple gesture meant everything. Jane loved her.

The muffled sound of rustling sheets broke the silence momentarily as Maura reached down to pull Jane's wrist to her own lips and mirrored Jane's kiss. Brilliant gold-flecked green stared into deep warm, loving brown. Maura wanted to give to Jane what Jane had given to her the night before. She was still afraid it would be the wrong thing to do. She hesitated. But Jane had already slid herself closer to reach Maura's mouth as they shared a slow burning kiss that inflamed their craving for more.

Jane pulled away and looked on as Maura's eyes remained shut, Maura's perfect lips separated while she gently exhaled and the tiny furrow in her brow fell away. Maura slowly opened her eyes to see Jane as the desperately in love doctor drew in another breath through her open mouth. Jane stared back seeing unbelievably new colors in Maura's blazing eyes as they were lit by the bright sunlight in the room. Jane could perceive desire written all over Maura's face.

Jane leaned in again and pressed another kiss to Maura's soft, warm lips. Maura responded by tilting her head back and opening her mouth slightly to draw the tip of her tongue across the underside of Jane's upper lip. Jane opened her mouth and returned the gesture, and let a slight puff of air escape as she pushed closer. Maura whimpered into the kiss and Jane felt the white hot heat down low in her belly and between her legs the flash hit her hard. Jane needed Maura's touch. She didn't think she could stand another moment without Maura's hands all over her. Jane brought herself up against Maura, sliding her left leg between Maura's thighs and rolling Maura to her back. Jane slowly started to rock her hips as she continued her kisses and the silent white sun-lit room heard Jane's breathing and Maura's quiet whimper, "Oh, God." Maura was ready to give over again.

Maura could feel her body building, she wanted Jane but she really believed she needed to push her away. Jane's weight on her felt so good. Jane's touch. Jane's kiss. Jane's upper thigh was pressing and gently pouring friction against her as Jane slowly and steadily continued to rock her hips. Maura knew she needed to stop. Maura let last night happen and Jane injured herself. Maura's internal struggle with what's right versus satisfying Jane's obvious need tore her through. She loved Jane. She wanted Jane. She wanted to give everything to Jane. She shouldn't be doing this with Jane and not only because of Jane's physical injuries. Jane began to migrate her hand to touch Maura's soft wetness. Maura knew if she let Jane touch her there she wouldn't be able to stop. She knew she, herself, was on the edge of never being able to stop. She slid her hand up to Jane's chest and pressed. Maura used all her mental strength and turned away from the softest and sweetest of kisses. She breathlessly and quietly forced, "Jane, we can't."

"Maura, I'm fine." Jane was single minded in her need to achieve her goal and continued her movements. She whispered, "I feel no pain." Jane pressed on and began to kiss a trail down Maura's neck.

Maura loved the feel of Jane's tongue on her neck and the heavenly things Jane was doing to her body but Maura did not want to do any harm to Jane. Maura pressed her hand harder against Jane's chest. "Jane, we can't. Please, Jane. Stop."

Jane pulled back and looked Maura in the eye. "What is it Maur? I promise I will not hurt myself." She held up two fingers. "Scout's honor."

"Jane you were never a boy scout." Maura slid from under Jane. "Jane, please, I don't want to hurt you or for you to hurt yourself. There will be time for all of this after you are healed."

"Maur, I," Frustrated and confused, Jane couldn't bring herself to say words. She just let out a weak breath of air and remained in the bed.

"Jane. We can't, really. Please, what do you need to say?"

Jane's need outweighed her aversion to begging, "I need to touch you. I need you to touch me. I don't think I can go another day. I'm going to explode."

"Jane, I highly doubt you will explode." She sat up in the bed and pushed her feet over the edge and to the floor. She stood out of reach. "I'm going to take a shower, then I will make us breakfast. You should shower too before we go into town. You did say you'd take me to the museum didn't you?"

Jane looked defeated. Did Maura not hear her plea? She tried to accept what Maura was doing. She tried to understand that Maura was only looking out for her best interest to get her to heal. She was still frustrated beyond belief. She literally thought her body was about to crack into tiny pieces if her wife didn't touch her immediately, if not sooner.

Jane felt upset and frustrated and was beginning to become angry. Maura had already left the room and was in the shower. Jane put on clothes and went into the kitchen. She began to think of all the days since she was injured and all the times Maura pulled herself away. She'd started the coffee pot and pulled out one of the rolls from the deli. She took a bite. There was angry chewing of dry, hard bread. She never even tasted it as she swallowed hard to force it down.

She began to wonder if maybe Maura didn't love her anymore. But last night popped in her head remembering Maura's writhing body in her arms, moaning and calling her name. The softest, most delicate and graceful woman was in bed with her, naked last night. The most gentle, tender and loving kisses from this morning still lingered on her lips. Jane was so confused.

She looked around the kitchen and grabbed the empty wine bottle still sitting on the counter from the night before and rolled it in her hands. All she wanted was for her wife to love her back. Not so much to ask, she thought. She rubbed her thumb across the embossed label admiring the artistry of the design. Maura always likes the finer things in life. She grasped the bottle more tightly as she tried to remember her life before she was hurt. Her memories of her intimate life with Maura were gone. She could remember the day to day, at a crime scene, laughing through meals, but fragmentary glimpses were all that remained of her married life. All she really had were these past two weeks of Maura slipping from her grasp, one incredible kiss in the kitchen in Boston and last night's dreamy seduction of her wife that lingered into this morning. That's it. And Maura ended it with a push to Jane's chest.

Jane held the bottle in her left hand and brought it to her face, the cool hard smooth surface slid across her cheek. Jane's anger was peaking. Did her wife no longer love her? Were these few memories all she'd have to hold? She rolled the bottle against her left temple. Her anger got the best of her. She didn't know what to think. Jane didn't notice as a freshly showered, silken robe clad Maura entered the kitchen. At that exact moment, Jane hurled the thick bottle against the porcelain kitchen sink with a dangerous and astonishing strength. Glass shards exploded across the room with a shrieking crash. Jane slumped over, reaching for her rib that popped as she threw the bottle with so much force. She nearly dropped to her knees from the pain.

Maura witnessed the entire outburst as tiny shards of glass flew all around, some landing on her robe. Jane started to cry. Openly sobbing, her body shook from her cries. Maura called, "Jane!" She heard Maura's voice, but she couldn't face her right now. She couldn't take any more. Jane forced herself to her feet and grabbed her parka that still hung at the back of the bar-stool and headed out the kitchen door toward the snow covered dunes.

Maura stood in her bare feet. She couldn't follow. She turned to get dressed and catch Jane. When she got to the bedroom she hurriedly dialed Dr. Swen. Maura was half dressed when the doctor finally picked up.

"Maura, it's seven in the morning, what's wrong? Did something happen with Jane? Is everything ok?"

"No, Rachel, it is not ok. Jane is not ok. She's incredibly upset." Maura was out of breath because she was trying to dress and talk and worry all at once.

"Why? What triggered it? Has her memory returned?"

"I don't think so, but," Maura hesitated for a moment to tell Dr. Swen what really happened. "Rachel, Jane and I, we…"

"Did you sleep with her?"

"Yes. I mean, Jane touched me and I," Maura didn't even know what to say. "Jane made me climax twice last night before I realized she was in pain from her rib injury."

"So Jane is in pain? That is why she's upset?"

"No, Jane is upset because this morning I stopped her from touching me more." Maura was dressed and headed toward the kitchen.

"Maura, did you reciprocate? Did you make love with her? Touch her?"

"No, I didn't, I mean, after I saw she was hurting last night I made her take her pain medicine and we both went to sleep. And then this morning…this morning we, she started. And I thought we shouldn't because of her mental state and her physical injuries. I stopped her."

"Maura, dear Maura. She's feeling rejected. You've been pushing her away now for nearly two weeks. She's probably feeling as if you don't want her. Maura, do you want her? Do you love her?"

"Yes, I am desperately in love with her. I'm in love with Jane Rizzoli."

"Give her what she wants, Maura; what you both want, LOVE HER BACK. Let her know you love her back."

Maura's shoes were now on, the broken glass crunched under her soles as she hurriedly moved across the war zone in the kitchen to get to the back door. She saw Jane standing at the water's edge, looking out over the waves. "I see her, she's on the beach. I need to go to her."

"Maura, you should and don't let her out of your sight. Being upset this way might trigger her memories and she shouldn't be alone through that."

"I'm going." Maura pushed open the door and stepped out into the wind.

"Good, Maura. Just love her. I will see you on Saturday morning unless I can find a way to get there sooner."

"Thank you, Rachel. I really hope you are right about this. I will call you later." Maura hung up and pushed the phone into her coat pocket as she quickly walked across the dunes through Jane's icy, snowy footprints toward the beach. The wind was freezing cold and cut through Maura's body. Maura was already shaking inside from the fear she felt seeing Jane hurting this way. Maura's hair was still freshly wet from her shower and the wind froze the ends into tiny icicles that were beginning to make their own noise as they whipped across her face.

When she was close, she slowed her pace and called out, "Jane?" She stepped closer. "Jane, please, come back inside. It is so cold out here." Jane just stood, staring out at the water, no longer crying, she looked despondent. Maura slowed her approach to Jane and walked up to her, reaching for her hand. Jane pulled her eyes away from the water and looked down toward the edge of the sand, now staring at the foot high roll of sea foam that stretched across the length of the cape, joining sand to frothy sea.

Maura gently tugged on Jane's hand to get her attention and Jane finally looked over to Maura to see the thousand tiny white icicles whipping around her face. She looked like an ice princess. That was enough to snap Jane from her anger. "Maur, you're freezing. Go back inside."

With blue, cold and shaky lips Maura prodded, "Yes, Jane and so are you. Let's both go inside. Please." She stepped behind Jane and wrapped her arms around her waist to the front. She leaned her head against Jane's back. "Jane, please, I'm so cold. Please, let's go inside?"

"Maura, I can't right now. Just leave me here. Go. You'll make yourself sick if you stay. I just need some fresh air. Go back, Maura."

Maura squeezed her arms around Jane's waist. "No, Jane, not without you. I won't go without you." Maura shivered in the freezing wind. "I'm not leaving you."

Jane heard Maura voice was shaking from the cold. She never wanted Maura to hurt. She turned her body and wrapped her arm around her nearly hypothermic wife and started to walk back toward the cottage. She pulled Maura closer to shield her from the wind. Together, they entered through the back door at the kitchen and Jane was reminded of her earlier outburst. "Maur, I'll clean this up, you go inside to warm up."

Maura was knocking the snow from her shoes. "No, Jane, I'll clean this with you. I believe I might have been the cause of it anyway."

"Maura, sweetie, you are not the cause. I should be better about controlling my own temper. I don't usually react like that around you, then again, I don't usually cry like I have been either. I am having trouble controlling my own emotions lately. It's like I'm not me. I don't remember being a blubbering crybaby before. Was I? Am I?"

Maura reached into the kitchen closet to pull the broom and began to sweep a trail for them to cross to the other side. "Jane, you do seem to have your emotions near the surface lately. We talked about this, that could very well be a result of the head trauma. It should pass."

Jane reached for the broom, "Sweetie, please, let me clean the mess. You still look so cold. You're still shaking." Jane had her hand on the broom. Maura slid her hand up over Jane's.

"Jane, we will do this together. We will clean the mess. We will fix it. Ok?" She tried to smile. "Together, Jane."

Jane let go of the broom and stepped toward the closet to retrieve the dustpan. "OK, together."

Maura reached for the dustpan and handed Jane the broom and together they plowed a path through the glass splinters, removing all hazards in the kitchen. Quietly Jane swept and Maura bent down with the dustpan. They both listened to the hollow sound of glass bits sliding along the tiled floor and the crash of sharp shards dropping into the trash can. Jane held the broom outside and shook it to remove any remaining tiny bits of glass and Maura suggested she prepare breakfast after all. Together they made it safe again.

"Maura, can we just have a bowl of the lobster bisque for breakfast? I can heat it up for us?"

"For breakfast?" Maura immediately regretted questioning Jane's wish. "Yes, Jane. We can do that. Would you still take me to the museum today? Let's get out of this cottage for a while. Ok?"

"OK. Babe, you go warm yourself, I'll heat it up and bring a hot bowl of bisque to you." Jane leaned over and kissed Maura's temple. She reached up to the ends of Maura's hair that still had remnants of ice melting at the tips. "It almost scared me seeing all the ice in your hair on the beach. I never thought that could really happen. You looked like Mr. Freeze."

"You are so funny." Maura tried to keep a serious look but couldn't. She put her hand on Jane's shoulder. "You go shower, I'll heat the soup." Maura smiled up at Jane and Jane moved out of the kitchen to get ready to go. Maura stood in the kitchen unmoving, with the still thawing frozen tips in her hair she finally reached for the bowls while her body continued to shiver. She was anxious. Nervous. Afraid. She did not want to make things worse for Jane. She opened the refrigerator and removed the container of lobster bisque, that even cold, still smelled heavenly. She dished it into bowls and slid them into the microwave. She went and brushed the wind from her hair while she waited.

Jane stripped to enter the shower. She was still pissed. She was trying to be nice so Maura wouldn't become upset, but she was still raging inside. Something wasn't right. She needed to get to the bottom of why Maura had really been pulling herself away from her so much. She stepped into the hot shower with her skin still cold from being outside. The dramatic temperature change felt like burning to Jane. She stepped back out of the shower to lower the temperature. She paused while the water cooled and huffed, "Hot and cold." Hot and cold Maura, she thought, was literally driving her nuts.

Back in the kitchen, Maura finished preparing the meal she forced herself to decide was more of a brunch due to the menu. Earlier that morning, after her discussion with Rachel, she made a different decision while standing on the beach freezing and desperately wanting Jane to be ok. Maura was going to listen to Dr. Swen and she was going to just go for it. She was going to show Jane how much she loved her. Jane should never have been made to feel unwanted, undesired. Of all people, Jane deserved to be loved and that is what Maura intended to do, to the best of her ability.

Jane walked out to the kitchen after her shower to find a warm bowl of soup waiting, but no Maura. "Maura! Where are you?"

"I'm in here, Jane" Jane walked into the tiny living room to sit with Maura and eat their lobster bisque breakfast/brunch.

"You know Jane, this is a very creative breakfast meal." Maura smiled. She was trying. Jane was still grumpy, apparently. She did not smile back. "Jane, how soon can you be ready to head into town? Are you still up for it?"

Jane looked over to Maura and decided, "Sure, Maura. Sounds fine." Maura was hoping for something a bit more enthusiastic. She was struggling, thinking of what would pull them both from their melancholy.

"Jane, we don't have to go. There is plenty of food. We have entertainment." Jane looked toward Maura.

"What? Sit here and watch the waves hit the beach. No thanks, already seen it. It's a rerun." Jane didn't want to be a downer right now but she couldn't help it. She wanted to show Maura she loved her and somehow communicate how much she wanted her to love her back. She just couldn't fight right in that moment. The air was heavy with undesired tension and instability. They both hated it. The one thread that stayed between them was the depth of love they felt for each other.

Finally, Jane relented, "OK, so what's the entertainment, Maura?" Trying to be an adult, she looked Maura in the eye and forced a smile.

Maura tilted her head slightly while she regarded Jane, hoping Jane might be up for the entertainment she had in mind, "Well, I noticed there are some interesting classic books on the bookshelf along the back wall of the bedroom. Did you happen to see them?"

"No, I didn't notice."

"Well, there are several contemporary books as well, but there is one title that caught my eye. I read a story from the author once, years ago. Have you heard of Erskine Caldwell?"

"The name sounds familiar. Did he write stories in the early 1900's? I think I remember, 'Tobacco Road'. Yeah, that is one of his."

"Very good Jane. That's also the story of his that I read. Have you read it?"

"Yes, I did read it. I liked it. I remember it gave me a serious education about life and about real poverty and tenant farming, what life might have been like in the Great Depression and how horribly people can treat each other."

"Exactly, Caldwell wrote about poverty, racism and social problems in his native South in novels such as "Tobacco Road" and "God's Little Acre". These books won him critical acclaim, but also made him controversial among fellow Southerners of the time who felt he was deprecating the people of the region."

"I remember feeling strange laughing, even though the characters in the story were desperately poor and suffering, he managed to stick in a laugh or two."

"Well, if you haven't yet read 'God's Little Acre', I saw it on the bookshelf. Would you read it with me or let me read it to you? Or maybe we could take turns and read it to each other?" Jane's hard edge began to soften up a touch. The idea of spending a lazy winter day curled up with Maura reading a fun story to her was surprisingly appealing.

"Maura, I haven't read that one and believe it or not, that sounds really nice. Let's to it. Do you want to read in here or where?"

"I'll go get the book and bring it here. It might take us a day or so to get through it, are you up for a marathon reading session?"

Jane wasn't much of a reader these past few years with her job so mentally demanding and stressful. She'd felt like she just never had the time to settle in and read with her mind constantly spinning to solve a case. She believed if she let her mind drift into a book there would be fewer brain cells dedicated to solving murders. Here, in this tiny cottage she felt tucked away from civilization, the idea seemed novel.

"I'm in."

"Good, I'll be right back." As Maura stood, she reached her hand out and sensually slid it across Jane's leg and gave her knee a quick squeeze. Jane noticed. She sat bewildered again on the couch when Maura went to retrieve the book.

Upon her return, Maura held the book in her hands and Jane scooted closer so she could watch the words as Maura read them to her. While Jane settled in against Maura's side, shoulder to shoulder on the couch, Maura asked, "Jane, when you read 'Tobacco Road' did you get a feeling that you were a voyeur? I remember feeling as if I were watching something secret, getting a view of the world that I wasn't supposed to see. It was lighthearted and ridiculous at times, but also showed me the grotesque desperation and hopelessness that poverty forces." Jane looked on at Maura and admired her ability to translate the world in her very unique and special way. Maura continued her assessment while Jane reached for a blanket and covered them both, "It was shocking, really, but it caused me to see how slothfulness and bad decision-making can lead to ruined, wasted lives."

Maura paused for a moment remembering the contorted and colloquial phrasing and dialogue written into the dialect of the poor southern farmers in 'Tobacco Road'. If this story was as she expected, she had just volunteered to read some of the most extreme, stylistic, improper grammar in dialogue ever written. Maura's genius plan to deliver this story to Jane's ears with her voice, to reinvigorate the intimacy and relaxed comfort between them since the outburst this morning, had been initiated. The synopsis of "God's Little Acre" made her believe she was in for a battle and she was about to read it out loud. Maura looked over to Jane, who was much more calm than she had been earlier in the day. She leaned in and kissed Jane's cheek.

Jane smiled at Maura, "Yeah, when I read it, I did get the feeling I was seeing something most people in their situation wouldn't want the world to see with all their dirty laundry blowing in the wind. But I haven't met many sharecroppers in my life."

"Why would someone hang dirty laundry in the wind, wouldn't they wash it first?"

Jane looked at Maura and was reminded again of what an interesting, darling creature she was. "Maur, it's a saying. No, it's like saying they shared all their dirty secrets. They don't hang their actual dirty clothes...but then again…those characters in 'Tobacco Road' just might." They started to laugh again and Jane went on with her description of the story. "I thought the main character was a procrastinator and always expecting and hoping someone else would bail him out of his troubles. I kinda didn't like him, but I loved the story." Then Jane added with a wink, "Maybe because it was really short."

"Short? You can't be serious. You liked it because it was short?" Maura looked back at Jane's eye and saw the smile building. "Do you want to do this or not?"

"Yes, Maura, I do. The idea of curling up with you and a good book seems relaxing and you know how much I'd love to listen to you try to read the dialogue out loud from a story by this author." Jane's sarcasm slowly returned. "This should be fun."

Maura rolled her eyes and settled back into the couch with Jane. Jane leaned in to return Maura's earlier kiss. Maura looked back to the book and took in a breath then began to read to Jane. The room felt warmer. The soothing sounds of Maura's voice entered Jane's ears.

_"Several yards of undermined sand and clay broke loose up near the top, and the land slid down to the floor of the crater. Ty Ty Walden was so angry about the landslide that he just stood there with the pick in his hands, knee-deep in the reddish earth, and swore about everything he could think of. The boys were ready to stop work anyway. It was mid-afternoon then, and they had been down in the ground digging in the big hole since daylight that morning. _

_"Why in the pluperfect hell did that dirt have to break loose up there just when we were getting deep" Ty Ty said, glaring at Shaw and Buck. "Now ain't that something!"_

Jane burst out laughing, guarding her rib. Maura stopped reading and looked toward Jane. "What? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, Maur." Jane was still laughing. "You didn't. It's just, you sound like an english professor trying to talk like Ty Ty Walden. Relax. Don't be so formal."

"Well, Jane how does one say 'pluperfect hell' and not sound ridiculous?" Maura might have started to become offended. "Are you making fun of me?"

Still laughing, Jane made an attempt to mock Maura, and in her best Shakespearean actor's voice started, "What in the _Pluperfect_ Hell? Now _Ain't_ that something."

It was Maura's turn to burst into laughter. She couldn't stop. Jane was hilarious. And she did sound ridiculous. "Fine, Jane, here." Maura handed the book to Jane. "You read for a bit and see how you like it. Although, I have to wonder why the author used the word 'pluperfect' to as an adjective alongside the word 'hell'. Doesn't that strike you as an odd juxtaposition? The most widely accepted definition of 'pluperfect' is to be utterly perfect and complete." Maura's enthusiasm was almost contagious. "Did you know the word is a derivation the Middle English pluperfyth, modification of Late Latin plusquamperfectus, literally, more than perfect. Doesn't it strike you as odd that the author described hell as more than perfect?"

"Yes, Maura. It does. What could be pluperfect about hell?" Jane was victim again to one of Maura's etymology rants, she was used to it. She actually kinda liked it. It was Maura.

"I suppose here, in this context he could be referring to this type of hell as extreme. Let's read on and find out."

"Yes. Let's." and Jane rolled her eyes slightly and nudged Maura's shoulder and began to read.

They continued to pass the book back and forth and read to each other the rest of the morning. They laughed at how odd the other sounded in their attempt to speak as if they were a member of that poor family, while enjoying the shocking, tragic story of a man searching for gold on his tiny crater-filled Georgia farm.

Maura interrupted Jane's 'eloquent' reading. "Jane, it's nearly noon. Let's go make something for lunch."

Jane marked their page near the end of the story and placed it on the side table. They both stood and made their way to the kitchen, repeating lines from the story as they searched for ingredients to prepare their food. Maura opened a cabinet and questioned in perfect Ty Ty Walden dialect, "Where in the _pluperfect_ hell is the pepper?"

Jane looked at Maura in shocked disbelief and was laughing through the pain from her rib. "That was really good, Maura."

Maura looked back and they shared a long grinning, happy smile together, she was so proud she brought Jane back from being so upset that morning. They discussed the story and laughed some more. They felt themselves relishing the juxtaposition of poignant pain with exceptionally funny and outrageous plot-lines within the story. They recognized the foreshadowing of danger and managed to embrace the tragedy that seemed to lay ahead for all of the characters.

The book review rolled on as they enjoyed the real magic that had returned to the air surrounding them. There was something about these two women. They always managed to come together to find joy anywhere. They'd argue, sometimes even fight, but always managed to remain supportive of the other. There was a level of confidence between the two women that seemed like a special kind of glue that would bond them forever. Trust.

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Note_

_Thanks to the actual wikipedia for the Erskine Caldwell info. I read the books years ago as well. Worth it and if you can partner with a 'friend' and read them out loud, you won't regret it. Promise._

_So, a relationship built on trust. Trust is the 'glue'. What could possibly go wrong here?_


	11. Chapter 11, Calm Before The Storm

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch11, _Calm Before the Storm_**

They finished the book by two o'clock breaking the oration with laughter, mocking recitations and awkward impersonations of accents rarely heard in Massachusetts. Jane and Maura sat, shoulder to shoulder, settled low on the couch with their feet up. Jane had calmed some more since her near fit early that morning. Maura was successful in breaking the bad feel in the air, but Jane still hadn't voiced what was on her mind. The ease between them had returned momentarily. Jane felt the need to explain to Maura that she felt completely devastated by the repeated rejection whenever she tried to get close to Maura. She looked at Maura and just wanted her. Jane was ready to voice this, but when she gazed on at the relaxed beauty next to her, she decided this peace they were feeling was enough for now. They both needed a mental break from all that had been happening.

Jane turned a bit more toward Maura and raised her knees to below her chin. To Maura, Jane looked innocent and vulnerable holding her knees to her chest that way protecting herself. "Maura, do you still want to take a look through one of the museums? I think it would be nice to get out for a bit today after all. Do you feel like driving us over to the museum we saw when we went for groceries?"

Maura pulled her knees up and mirrored Jane's pose. "Of course, Jane. I always love to see the changing exhibits at these small museums."

Jane smiled at Maura's almost childlike earnest interest in all the old stuff at museums. Jane really didn't understand why she became so upset with Maura this morning. Right now, she felt her reaction this morning seemed extreme. Maura obviously loved her. Jane closed her eyes for a moment and remembered the sunset spark and the night prior in the bedroom and then remembered how wonderful it felt to wake up with the warm bright sun shining on them in that bed. She loved the feel of being wrapped up in Maura. Maybe she was making too big a deal out of all this. Maura was constantly looking out for her and why Jane ever thought differently felt foreign. She decided to toss those ideas away. Her wife was right next to her, lovely and impossibly more beautiful to her each day.

She decided to make the best of what time they had at the cottage, "Time's a wastin'. Let's go." Jane stood and offered her hand to Maura, who gently accepted it, and they moved to prepare to go into town.

Separately, they got themselves ready to go. Maura prepared in the bathroom all the while thinking and going over the earlier events and the doctor's adamant instruction to 'Just love her'. That is what Maura _wanted _to do with Jane and exactly what she _wanted _to hear from her doctor friend. She wanted to believe that allowing Jane to get closer was the right thing. She saw the anger from Jane and the frightening violent outburst in the kitchen when Jane threw the bottle. Maura was never comfortable in volatile situations. She still intended to hear from Jane why she was so upset. Maura started to fuss with her makeup and wondered why it mattered so much that she look perfect right now. Inside she knew. She also suspected the reason for Jane's distress this morning. She didn't want to guess but her intuition told her that Jane was reacting because she again refused Jane's intimate advances this morning after such a beautifully perfect night. After the nice morning reading to each other, the mood had softened and warmed up tremendously. She looked at herself in the mirror and applied the finishing touches to her makeup. She looked back at her reflection and made her decision.

When they were finished getting ready, they nearly bumped into each other as Jane exited the bedroom at the same time Maura emerged from the bathroom.

"Are you ready, Miss?" Jane bowed toward Maura and raised her arm to grandly gesture toward the front door.

"Yes, I do believe I am sufficiently prepared for our afternoon adventure." Maura stepped forward and Jane placed her hand low on Maura's back and led her toward the door. She took Maura's winter jacket from the hook on the wall at the door and slipped it up the length of Maura's arms then spun her around to do the zipping.

Surprised and a little bit curious, Maura needed to know. "Well, Jane. Why am I getting the royal treatment this afternoon?"

"I dunno Maura, I just feel like it. It feels natural for me to care for you." She raised her head and hesitantly sought Maura's eyes to gauge her response. "Please, just let me do some things for you. You've been keeping up with my injuries and all for two weeks now. I think it's time I start pulling my own weight."

"Jane, I don't advise pulling anything at all, let alone something of your weight with your rib injury still in the process of healing."

Jane just pushed her eyebrows together momentarily confused and realizing just how literal Maura could be. "Maur, I'm not…" Smiling, Jane finished, "Just let me get this zipper up and we can go." Jane enjoyed the quirkiness of Maura. She was fun. Teasingly, Jane asked, "Are you making a comment about how much I weigh?"

"I most certainly am not." By now Maura had caught on and was grinning.

Jane fussed with connecting the zipper ends at the bottom of Maura's coat. Maura stood and let her figure it out. The force of Jane's attempts with the zipper tugged her hips forward repeatedly as Jane tried to connect the metal pieces together. Maura thought the whole thing adorable even as she felt as if she was slightly losing her balance.

Finally, Jane got the zipper connected and slid it noticeably slowly up to Maura's chin. In the quiet house, the clicking sound of the mechanical metal to metal connection of the zipper conjured up ideas in Maura's head, but those images had the zippers all going the opposite direction. Maura stared at Jane. Jane looked at Maura and took a step closer. She put her hands on Maura's jacket collar and pulled Maura in for a gentle kiss. Jane pulled back slowly and let up a bit on Maura's jacket collar. Maura opened her eyes and mumbled, "Mmmm, very nice Jane. Would you mind doing that again?"

Jane slowly blinked her eyes while she put on a subtle smile and without hesitation pulled again at Maura's collar then let go. She moved her hands up Maura's neck to cup the sides of her face and slide her fingertips though Maura's hair behind her ears. She gently held Maura's lips close as she pressed them together for a few more moments. Maura felt so much in the intimacy of Jane's touch. She was beginning to lose the battle. She was ready to give in completely. Her reason and distance were fading as she became more and more wrapped up in this entire affair. After they both lost touch with the ground for a few moments during that second kiss, Jane took Maura's hand and pulled her toward the door. "Come on, the museum isn't open all night." Jane held her back and reached for the door knob, preventing Maura's advance. "Wait." Once the door was open, she nodded her head for Maura to move through.

Maura smiled and thought about how much she liked when Jane behaved this way. Maura had a singular thought, 'Today might be fun after all'.

Maura drove the fifteen minutes into town. The sun was bright and Jane was without sunglasses to wear so Maura handed over her Armani aviators. Maura raised one eyebrow when she noticed how good those glasses looked on Jane and kept a mental note to get another pair for herself because hers definitely already belonged to Jane for the duration. Maura was struck again at Jane's unassuming breathtaking beauty. Jane just oozed sex appeal and Maura was sure Jane had no awareness of the power she held.

Jane saw the look. "What?"

"Those sunglasses suit you." Maura reached for Jane's hand in the car. "Jane, do you mind if I choose a different museum to see today?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever you want. You're the museum girl. I'm just going along for the ride."

Jane had her face plastered against the glass the entire ride as she soaked in all the scenery. "What is THAT?" Jane pointed upward looking up from the front window of the Jaguar. "That is the skinniest castle I have ever seen."

"Jane, that is the Pilgrim Monument, the tallest granite monument in the United States. Its purpose is to commemorate the Mayflower Pilgrims' first landing in the New World in Provincetown, in November 1620."

"What? No, the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. Everybody knows that." Jane was certain she finally knew something that Maura didn't.

"Well Jane, that is a common misconception. The pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower actually did stop here in this spot first. They spent several weeks here getting their bearings before moving on to make a settlement in the area now called Plymouth. While they were here, they drew up and signed the Mayflower Compact."

Jane eyed Maura. Now hesitant with Maura's apparent certainty. "Damnit." Jane knew to believe what Maura had to say. "So, are we gonna climb that thing? I'll bet there is an amazing view from way up there."

"I don't think you'd make it to the top with your rib injury. As I recall, it is 252 feet tall. Entirely too many steps for you to try today. Besides, I'm certain it is closed down for the season." Maura noticed the disappointment on Jane's face. She reached for Jane's hand again and laced her fingers between Jane's, "We could come back in the spring if you like. I'll walk the steps with you. I promise you won't be disappointed with the spectacular view from the top."

"Now THAT is the best idea I've heard all day. Man, I didn't really wanna have to prove you wrong about me not being able to make it to the top today." She grinned at Maura.

"You really wouldn't want to do this today regardless, as I recall, it is a spiral stairwell, you might find your _auris interna_ affected."

"My what?"

"Vertebrate and Labyrinth comprising two main functional parts. Namely cochlea dedicated to hearing and vestibular to balance." She saw Jane's confused look, "Your inner ear." Jane nodded in understanding. "Jane, you might feel dizzy and especially after your head injury, you might be more affected." Maura leaned forward in the car and looked upward toward the granite tower.

"Hey, look! The museum is open. Let's park this thing and go in." Jane was apparently excited to see the museum after all. Jane held on to Maura's hand and Maura tried to park the car one-handed.

"Jane, may I have my hand back now? I need to properly park the car."

"Nah, I think I'm gonna keep it for awhile."

"Then I'll have to park here, not quite in a spot." She reached across the steering wheel with her left hand and pushed the button to turn off the car. "OK, you're climbing through my side, because I'm definitely not climbing past this steering wheel to get out on your side."

"What?" Jane realized that she was going to have to let go of Maura's hand after all. "OK, but I want it back when we get out."

She leaned over and kissed Maura on her right cheek before loosening her grip. "Stay right there." Jane got out of the car and walked to Maura's side and opened the door. Maura stepped out as Jane reclaimed her hand. They walked up the wooden ramp to the museum entrance. The bell hanging from the door rang lightly as they entered the surprisingly very modern looking museum on the edge of the water. "Wow, I didn't expect this from looking at it from the outside."

"Well, Jane, that is why we never judge. We investigate."

"Since when?" They both laughed, paid the entrance fee, and started to walk around the exhibits.

Maura was struck by the ease of affection Jane was willing to share in public. Possibly because of their locale, Provincetown was more than gay-friendly, but Maura did expect Jane to be a little more reserved. Either way, the comfortable warmth they shared was fun and quite enjoyable for her.

Holding each other's hands and leaning close as they read the stories of the whaling ships and read the passenger list from the Mayflower, they both felt warm and romantic, surrounded by the spell again, just like from the grocery store. Maura interjected fun facts along the hallways, teaching Jane everything she ever wanted to know about the 99 passengers who arrived on land in Provincetown, and relayed the tragic story of the the 43 who died in that first year. "Almost half." Maura looked at Jane, who looked up.

"They risked it all to live a life of freedom. These people left everything they knew, everyone they loved, and exercised a courage rarely seen. Look." Maura guided Jane to the Mayflower Compact diorama. "These people fled the religious oppression they felt on the other side of the Atlantic and started a colony with this document. They established rules of government. This was the very beginning of what became this country, Jane. Think of it. They risked everything for freedom and the possibility to live a life in control of their own destiny."

Jane stood next to Maura, so close she could feel the heat from Maura's body. She reached her left arm around Maura's waist. Her fingers finding the loop of Maura's slacks, she slipped her thumb up just a bit to feel the skin just under Maura's shirt. Jane started to read the text of the document. "_In the name of God, Amen. We, whose names are underwritten, the loyal subjects of our dread Sovereign Lord King James, by the Grace of God, of Great Britain, France, and Ireland, King, defender of the Faith, etc." _Jane moved her fingers up with her thumb to slowly caress the skin more forward at the edge of Maura's stomach just under her pretty wife's shirt and stood closer, brushing their bodies together.

Maura inhaled at the touch and whispered, "Jane, you aren't tired of reading to me after we read an entire novel this morning?"

Jane leaned her head toward Maura's ear and whispered back, "No, reading to you is my new favorite thing." Jane leaned in and breathed into Maura's hair. The air around them was electric. They could barely keep their hands off each other.

Maura could feel her heart beating in her chest. "Jane, may I?" Maura gestured toward the document. Jane nodded and Maura continued to read, "_Having undertaken, for the Glory of God, and advancements of the Christian faith and honor of our King and Country, a voyage to plant the first colony in the Northern parts of Virginia, do by these presents, solemnly and mutually, in the presence of God, and one another, covenant and combine ourselves together into a civil body politic;... " _

Jane listened to the words and listened to the sweet tenor of Maura's very feminine voice. All of this was magical to Jane. When Maura was nearly done reading the nearly half page document, Jane interjected and took over the duty, _"...__In witness whereof we have hereunto subscribed our names at Cape Cod the 11th of November, in the year of the reign of our Sovereign Lord King James, of England, France, and Ireland, the eighteenth, and of Scotland the fifty-fourth, 1620."_

Jane paused a moment. "So this is it. This is the document that started it all. I didn't even know."

"Many people don't know this detail of history, Jane. We are standing in the same place where this country, our nation, got its start. It may have begun as a colony, but once freedom took hold, no one wanted to go back to oppressive rule."

Jane began to tease, "Oh, Maura, you are so romantic. Just kiss me. Kiss me now." Jane made a kissy face and Maura laughed it off. "Hey, I'm not kidding. I demand a kiss from you right here. Right in this spot where the people coming to this land declared their first form of government."

"Jane, this is hardly a place to be kissing." Maura looked around a bit to discover that no one was looking. She quickly leaned over for a kiss and Jane wrapped her arms around Maura and turned it into a bit of a spectacle. They both broke the kiss with a laugh. "There, now I'll never forget." Jane released her wife.

Maura heard Jane saying she'd never forget. Maura knew none of that was certain. Maura inhaled deeply, then exhaled. "Jane, we've been wandering around in this place for over two hours. Let's go find a restaurant and have a sunset dinner."

"Great idea. I can always eat." She spun Maura around and practically chased her out of the building with laughing attempts at inappropriate public displays of affection. The air was cold outside so Maura pressed the button on her key fob to start the Jaguar from inside the building's glass door. "Hey, Maur, why don't you just train that thing to fetch our dinner and bring it to us?"

"Ha. Ha." Sassy Maura held her hand on Jane's shoulder, took a step toward the counter near the entrance, and placed a sizeable cash donation into the metal can sitting at the counter's edge near the museum shop's cash register.

"Wow, Maura, you buyin' the place?"

"No, Jane, I'm simply giving back to the museum for such an amazing and educational experience."

"We did pay an entrance fee, Maura."

"We did, but I like to contribute to organizations that do good things. These past few hours did some good things for me, Jane." She eyed Jane. "How about you?"

Jane couldn't resist the dual meaning in Maura's phrasing but decided to play it lightly, "Oh, yea. It did. These past few hours have done wonders for my aching feet."

Maura gave Jane's shoulder a nudge.

They stood behind the glass looking out over the harbor in front of them. Only a few boats were docked for winter. They both imagined that 100 foot ship sailing in for the first time. "Did you enjoy it, Jane?"

"Yeah, it has been nice. More interesting than I could have imagined. And it was really nice to be able to be close to you in public and not worry that people would run for the hills at the sight of LESBIANS!." Jane leaned in again for another quick kiss as if what she'd just said had no significance at all. "Too bad they don't sell scrimshaw here. I always wanted a whale's tooth." Jane smiled again as Maura slid her hand down from Jane's shoulder to her hand.

"Come on, Jane. The car should be warmed up by now." They walked toward the running car, staying close in the cold. Reluctantly breaking the contact they'd maintained between each other the entire time they spent in the museum, they both felt a sense of loss for the five seconds it took them to get seated and buckled in. Jane's hand went straight for Maura's knee.

Jane settled in to the car seat. "Wow, this seat warmer is definitely warming my tushie."

"Tushie, Jane. Really?"

"Yes, my rear end is pretty hot. You wanna see?" Jane started to pull Maura's hand under her left leg to feel the heat.

"OK, OK, I believe you Jane."

"Believe what?"

"I believe the seat warmers are working well."

"Maura! That's not what you're supposed to say." Jane was fishing and pulling hard.

Maura gave in. "Ok, I give. Jane your 'tushie' is hot. Oh so hot." Maura's mocking tone did not phase Jane a bit.

"Why thank you, I thought you would never say." Jane's voice was filled with satisfaction. She reached her hand back to Maura's knee. "OK, driver. Take me to food."

Maura turned her face forward and rolled her eyes. They selected a restaurant over the water. It was literally on pilings and stood above the water close to the end of one of the piers in the harbor. "So, we're gonna eat in a restaurant that is standing on stilts tonight?"

"Yes, Jane, I heard that they have decent food and a comfortable atmosphere. Also, I thought we would enjoy the sunset from here."

Jane looked over. Since when did Maura care about sunsets? She wondered if it may have started last night at the cottage during that particularly romantic moment. Jane smiled to herself, she definitely would enjoy them now more than before.

Again, as Maura parked the car, Jane leaned in for a kiss on the cheek, but was surprised to feel lips instead of Maura's cheek when Maura turned into Jane's kiss. Maura gave a soft lingering kiss, lifting her hand to Jane's face for a moment, and then reached for her door handle. Jane's eye caught the movement, "On no….don't touch that handle." Jane got out again and opened the door for a repeat of walking together into the building.

Maura wondered again at the extra special treatment from Jane. If Jane was trying to woo her, it was working. Maura loved this kind of chivalrous attention from Jane.

They were seated at a table against the glass over the water, the perfect spot to enjoy the sunset, their meal, and each other's company. A white table cloth with white napkins wrapped tightly around silverware and a single low candle flame at the center were the only adornments to their small three foot square table. The floors were made of worn wooden planks. The place definitely wasn't fancy, but it fit the locale over the water near the harbor.

"So you heard the food is good?" Jane was mesmerized by the waves as she watched them hit the wood pilings on the adjacent pier.

"Yes, the lobster here is supposed to be fabulous."

"Well, then that's what I'm having." She put her menu down and reached across for Maura's hand and left Maura to hold her menu with only one. Jane held Maura's hand on the table with both of hers and casually looked out over the water as she caressed Maura's skin. The warmth between them was palpable.

Maura looked on at Jane. She wondered how much longer before Jane remembered that they were never married. That everything that had happened in the past few weeks was comprised of a complex set of choices that she'd made. Granted she made them on the advice of a renowned doctor regarded to be at the top of her field. But still, Maura hoped for a good ending, one that was filled with love and forgiveness. She needed Jane to forgive her when all this came out into the open. She needed Jane to understand she did all this out of love to protect her.

She felt the love coming from Jane as the strikingly beautiful woman across from her absentmindedly caressed her hand. That's all Maura ever wanted, to love someone and be loved back in such a way that the love flowed freely without thought. She was so close, but still, everything could fall apart and she knew it.

The expertly prepared food was delivered to their table. "Maur, you have to taste this lobster. It is so sweet. Maybe the best I've ever had. Here." Jane reached her fork across the table and Maura leaned over and let Jane place the forkful into her mouth.

"Mmm. Jane, yes, that is especially good. My scallops are good too. Would you like to try these butter seared scallops?"

"I would, they do look good." Jane leaned toward Maura who placed her fork into Jane's mouth.

They both savored the deliciously sweet and succulent flavor of the freshly prepared seafood.

"Maura, It doesn't get better than this. We need to come up here more often."

"I agree, this is the freshest, most authentic seafood a person can get, prepared by master chefs." Jane kept reaching her hand across the table to touch Maura's hand in this romantic setting. The sun had touched down at the horizon. There was about fifteen minutes left of sunlight. The familiar orange glow surrounded them as they sat at their tiny table. Maura was beginning to feel a nervous excitement inside her stomach.

Jane's voice was low, "Do you want another shot at the spark?"

Jane knew what was on Maura's mind, "Jane, I knew there wasn't going to be a spark last night. Yet I still jumped. I don't even know why I did that. I mean, I felt a little silly, but I still did it."

Jane took in a breath and smiled. "Maura, I am really glad you did. It said so much when you actually did jump up."

"I don't understand. What did it say?"

"It said you trust me. It said that you believe in me, that you want to do whatever you can to please me. It said you'd even risk making a fool of yourself for me. It said everything."

Maura looked out toward the sunset, now halfway down into the sea. The blue gray water blended with the darkening sky and the brilliant glow in the center of the winter pastel palette that was the sun. It was like a picture on a postcard except it was real. Maura placed her other hand with Jane's and turned her eyes to meet the dark brown eyes staring back at her.

"Jane, I do believe in you. I would do anything for you. Jane, I love you."

"I know."

Jane stood and pulled Maura from her seat. She turned their bodies toward the orange glow and they watched as the last rays of light disappeared over the water. Maura turned into Jane and they kissed again.

"Let's go, Jane." Jane paid the bill and they left the restaurant. They barely said a word as the urgent need to get home as quickly as possible was practically telepathic as they silently communicated their desire.

Once at the cottage, their hearts were racing. As they sat in the driveway in the car and Maura turned off the engine, Jane held her hand in the air to let Maura know to allow her to get the door. Maura patiently waited as the car door opened for her and Jane led them both to the entrance to the cottage. Jane took the keys from Maura's hands and smoothly unlocked the heavy painted wooden door. The gestures were not lost on Maura. Her heart continued to race and her wish to give all she possibly could to Jane was a compulsion she could no longer fight.

_THANKS TO Provincetown Pilgrim Museum website. If you've never been to Provincetown and you find yourself in the area, go to the top of the very skinny castle, lose yourself in the history and, by all means, have some lobster at a restaurant on stilts._


	12. Chapter 12, The Awakening

**```~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch12, _The Awakening_**

Jane pulled the heavy, weather-beaten cottage door closed, clicked the matching lock, and removed her jacket. She immediately reached for Maura and reversed the zipper mechanism from earlier. Maura took the opportunity to kiss Jane while her hands were busy working with her zipper. After the perfect evening and all that was said and unsaid, this playful movement had meaning. Once unzipped, Jane moved her hands to Maura's jacket collar and pulled it down off of her shoulders. They both managed to stumble their way toward the bedroom, removing shoes and shirts and assorted articles, stealing kisses along their journey.

They tossed a chaotic trail of clothing from the front door to the bedroom door, pieces of clothing were left behind like breadcrumbs marking their way. Once in the bedroom, Jane forcefully kicked the door shut behind them with the heel of her fancy, ribbed merino wool, sock-clad foot.

The sharp sound of the slamming door stunned them both. Suddenly more aware of what they were doing, they both abridged their pace. Time slowed down. Every touch magnified, somehow they both discerned the significance of this moment. The past few days had changed them. A nearly overwhelming intense feeling of intimacy that started that morning as they lay in bright sunlight on the bed staring at each other in joyful wonder grew more profound during the time they spent reading to each other, memorizing the hypnotizing sound of the others voice through to the afternoon. Together, they created an atmosphere filled with hope and love and yearning. Exploring the museum later that afternoon, carrying on the flirty banter and playful touching deepened the incredibly romantic sensation that surrounded them in a thick, sultry haze.

Maura had set her mind earlier, before they left the house and she observed Jane throughout the past few hours. Nothing signaled that what she was about to do would hurt Jane. In effect, it was doctor's orders, but it seemed more a natural progression of things.

Later, during the romantic sunset dinner, when Jane had explained the test of trust with the sparking sun, Maura felt fulfilled. Maura knew she'd do anything for this woman. She had absolutely no choice. She needed this woman in her life, For Always.

Armed additionally with the advice of Dr. Swen, Maura had the all the self-assurance to claim what she'd wanted all along. No longer satisfied to get close and retreat again, marking her Coup stick with imaginary challenges accepted and completed, Maura turned her face upward toward Jane's. The warning bells were absent. This felt right. Rational Maura had come to a decision and, for a rare moment, Maura's emotional, in love side was about to be handed the reins.

The only light filtering into the small bedroom was from the moon reflecting onto the white walls in subtle, gray hues. Jane stood observing a thinking Maura. Jane's thought was that there should be no more thinking tonight. She had waited long enough. She was about to claim her wife but was subverted in her mission when Maura took hold of her shoulders and turned her gently toward the bed. Maura remained standing behind a surprised and suddenly nervous Jane, whose heart was hammering hard in her chest.

The only piece of clothing between them was silently and reverently removed when Maura smoothly glided her hands from Jane's shoulders down her back to release the hook on that last garment with an efficient, precise snap of her fingers. Jane's breathing had become quicker and more forceful. She was trying to maintain control. Maura slid her fingertips up along Jane's back, under the thin straps and forward over Jane's shoulders. Jane could feel her body trembling from the loving, generous affection. The love that Jane had craved for so long was coming to her and she was nearly out of her mind with anticipation. Jane's body reacted to every unhurried and subtle movement from Maura as she continued her slow assault, slipping the straps down the length of Jane's arms. In doing so, Maura was inadvertently forced to press her bare chest against Jane's back. Jane sharply inhaled at that unbelievably warm, soft contact. She exhaled with a shudder as her entire body reacted to the touch. Neither spoke. Maura stood at the edge of the bed knowing exactly what she was about to do. Jane only hoped.

Maura's mesmerizing touches stopped at the ends of Jane's fingertips and she laced her fingers between those of the shaking hands belonging to the woman standing in front of her. Maura's heart leapt, suddenly realizing the significance of this moment for Jane.

She immediately regretted ever denying _her _Jane any part of herself. Last night Jane gave all of herself to Maura, to the point of injury. No more denial, no more holding back. On this night, a promise will be fulfilled and a new promise will be made.

She pulled her fingers back through Jane's, reversing direction and moving slowly upward along her wrists with the lightest touch imaginable while placing warm kisses across Jane's smooth shoulders and along the delicate knots of her spine. Jane stood still, enveloped in a fog of aching need that was being stoked by Maura's wordless whispers and tender touches. Maura's fingertips kept moving upward to the soft and sensitive insides of Jane's elbows managing to thoughtfully touch every tantalizing place as if she'd already known what would affect Jane the most.

Jane's pulsing heartbeat reverberated through her body with every move Maura made. Her heart was in her throat.

When Maura reached Jane's upper arms she turned Jane again, this time to face her and their eyes met in the dim, pale silver light. The only sound in the room was Jane breathing in and out through her nose as she tried to remain steady through Maura's touch. Hands sliding again, upward across a delicate collarbone and a perfectly exquisite neck, Maura leaned forward to wrap her arms around Jane and place her cheek against Jane's. She whispered, "I want you." Jane's knees nearly buckled at the intimacy and sound of Maura's voice. The honest, mutual sentiment those sounds carried to her ears and to her heart brought tears to her eyes. Jane started to pull back and turn her face toward Maura. Their bodies remained in the most intimate proximity as Maura also turned in to kiss Jane, this time, all barriers were gone.

They stood, skin to skin, heart to heart, amazed at the incredible softness and feeling of the other woman's body pressing against with intensity of the first time. They could feel the pounding of each other's hearts. Jane stood weak-kneed and in disbelief that Maura was actually initiating. She wanted this so desperately but now that Maura was here, Jane was stunned. Jane's brain was racing to piece together a memory that was anywhere near this feeling.

Maura waited. She wanted this to go at Jane's pace. She wanted this night to continue to be perfect.

Jane gave up the mental search and just went with her gut. She got her head together then wrapped her arms around Maura and pulled her closer. This kiss started slowly then began to build until it was fusing them together in love and passion.

Maura could feel Jane's body quivering. Jane's hands were noticeably shaking. Maura steered Jane back and sat beside her at the edge of the bed. She reached for Jane's hand again to gauge how she was feeling. Jane inhaled slowly and released a nervous breath. Maura pressed her mouth to Jane's palm as Jane had done back at the house the day of her injury. Jane remembered. Jane moved her hand against Maura's cheek and pulled her face up as she moved to kiss Maura's mouth, this time with a heated urgency. Maura finally guided Jane down onto the white down-filled bedding. The reverence with which Maura moved around and against Jane caused Jane's heart to race even more. This woman.

The crisp, cool cotton against their skin contrasted with the fire surrounding them. The hushed sounds of movement overtook the rhythmic hums of their breathing as Maura moved over the top of Jane, careful to not press onto her rib.

Maura softly whispered, "Jane, please, I need you to let me know if I do anything that causes you pain." Jane nodded and tried to find Maura's eyes in the dimly lit room. "Maura, I want this. You. Us." Maura didn't want to talk. Words weren't enough now. Maura wanted to show Jane everything she desperately needed to know. It was Maura's intention that, after tonight, Jane would never again doubt that Maura was completely and solely hers forever.

She kissed Jane's fragile concerns away and reached her hand up into Jane's hair behind her ear to hold her in place while she pushed in for a deeper kiss. Jane received that kiss and Maura set out to make all things right with Jane.

Jane accepted everything offered as Maura moved her mouth along Jane's jaw and toward a spot just below her ear. Jane seemed to particularly like the attention Maura was placing on that precise spot so Maura lingered there as her hands made their way to more intimate areas of Jane's body. Stroking bare skin, Maura managed to flare up the already scorching inferno they both felt inside. Maura worked her lips and fingertips over all parts of Jane's unbelievably beautiful body to glorious, well-received responses from her now lover. Jane could no longer contain herself and breathlessly, she called out, "Maura you feel so ... I need you so much."

So much love was running hot in Maura's veins, the sound of Jane's voice nearly pulled the switch that would have made Maura lose control. She could barely keep herself from roughly ravaging Jane right here, right now as it was. But tonight was not about what Maura would take, tonight was all about giving everything possible to Jane.

Maura continued her impassioned movement and slowly kissed her way down Jane's long torso. Jane's voice was still calling, "Maur, please. I, I …" Jane's voice caught in her throat. Maura did not stop. For Jane, so much emotion had been building, so much frustration had been left in the wake of the incident that broke Jane's rib and bruised her face and pulled her Maura away that Jane finally broke. She could not remember ever being touched this way. The softness, the love, all like brand new. Tears were rolling down toward the pillow as Maura continued to make love to her. The joy and the love that Jane felt for Maura was immeasurable. Every dream Jane had was real, here, in this moment.

Overwhelming emotion made Jane reach for Maura. "Maur, please, look at me." Maura stopped and moved her way back up to look into Jane's eyes. She was slightly out of breath, "What is it, Jane? Am I hurting you?"

"No, no, not that, I'm fine, I'm just ." Maura noticed the glint of wet tears on Jane's face.

"Jane, what is it?"

"It's nothing, I just wanted to look at you…" Maura knew Jane wanted to say something else but couldn't so she tried to reassure this woman who had become the center of her world.

"Jane, I'm feeling this as much as you are. I want this as much as you do. This is as important to me, maybe even more." Maura leaned in to place a kiss at the edge of Jane's mouth. She hovered close to Jane's face and their breath mingled for a few moments. She inhaled deeply to take part of Jane inside of her own body. The sultry air surrounding them was like a blanket of irrefutable, unyielding want.

Maura spoke confidently, "Jane, let me love you. Let me show you what I feel for you."

Jane felt a flutter in her heart when Maura began to kiss her more. Sweet slow kisses morphed into open mouthed, breathless, gasping kisses filled with urgent need. Maura's long soft blonde curls draped across Jane's face and along her neck, wrapping her in a shroud as the heat between them grew more potent. Maura pulled away slightly so she could quickly move her hair back behind her and out of the way.

Jane took this moment and tilted her head to let her eyes focus. She found herself confused at the feelings she had. It was as if she had never felt Maura make love with her before. Jane could only remember wanting Maura to love her this way, to touch her this way. This is everything she wanted and her body was throbbing in anticipation. She looked up toward Maura and Maura wiped away the tears. Jane's eyes reflexively closed at the touch. When Maura withdrew her hand from Jane's face, her eyes reopened to find Maura's again.

Satisfied that Jane was not hurt and actually appeared to be more than willing, she was pleased that Jane was feeling all the love she was giving. Maura started to work her way over Jane's body again. Methodically and gradually, Maura plotted a course to lovingly touch every part of Jane's body. All Jane could do was put her head back, close her eyes and feel.

Maura continued her slow, deliberate movement and when she had kissed and nibbled and caressed her way all over Jane's body to Jane's hipbone, Jane mentally guided Maura to where she wanted her to kiss her next. Maura read her mind and placed measured kisses along a line directly to where Jane was so desperately, silently begging she go. The closer Maura got to where Jane needed her to be, the more Jane's breathing seemed to intensify. Jane was practically panting now and Maura could not hold out any longer. She separated Jane's legs placing an elbow under each hip and wrapped her arms around Jane's thighs. She kissed along Jane's inner thigh and then to the other side. She worked her way closer and closer, Jane was in a near frenzy of want. Maura finally put her mouth directly over Jane's throbbing, swollen, ready softness and Jane let out a moan that rocketed white hot heat throughout Maura's entire body. Maura was so turned on she lost focus on everything that was not Jane. Maura maintained contact with her mouth and her tongue and rocked over Jane, softly but firmly, sliding her tongue around and over and back and then dipping down. Jane reached her hands for Maura's hair and held it away while Maura kept going, repeating the same stroke with her mouth and tongue. Maura was lost in the softness of Jane and gave unrelenting adoration to the woman she loved. Jane tried to move her hips but Maura held her steady. Locked in a rhythm, Jane began to give over and let Maura take her fully. Maura sensed the change and pulled her right hand from around Jane's hip and slid it down, under her chin as she pressed slow circles, teasing and building until she heard Jane beg her.

Through gasping breaths, Jane pleaded, "Please, Please, Maura. Touch me. Please, don't stop." Again, the sound of Jane's imploring voice shot another shockwave through Maura. She was ready to burst herself. Maura slid two fingers barely inside and rocked Jane with her mouth lightly suckling and teasing. Jane began to whimper incoherent, rambling indistinguishable words as she tried to breathe but her throat kept catching the air before it huffed out again in faster and faster moaning breaths. Maura pulled her left hand around and up to press and rub at Jane's breast, then slid in gently and fully with the fingers of her other hand. Light strokes matched the movements of her mouth as she lifted Jane and pushed her higher.

With her hips set free, Jane moved with Maura's rhythm and that was it, Jane let out a moan Maura would never forget. The most beautiful, feminine and delicate sound came from Jane's throat and Maura knew Jane felt everything she had intended.

Maura continued her engagement until Jane was quiet but she was overwhelmed by her own urgent need. She couldn't remember ever feeling passion and desire as intensely as she did in this moment. She took Jane's hand and moved it down and through her own warmth as she straddled Jane's muscular thigh and pressed down. With fewer than a dozen strokes and Jane's assist, Maura pushed herself over the edge and let out her own wails of pleasure as she allowed herself to feel.

After a few more clipped movements, she buckled at Jane's side, breathing heavily.

In a daze, Jane laid there, trying to catch her breath as well. Maura slid up closer beside her, caressing her skin with her fingertips, soothing Jane as they both came back to themselves. Maura pulled Jane closer and pressed their bodies tighter together so their skin touched the full length of their bodies. The blended feeling of their bodies made Maura not recognize where her own body ended and Jane's began. This caused a deeper realization in Maura and she rocked Jane in her arms for a few minutes, willing all the love she felt in her heart to move straight into Jane's heart and fill it fully.

Maura's heart could not hold her feelings inside, she had to let them all out, "I love you, Jane. I love you completely. You are mine and I am yours." She continued to tenderly stroke Jane's back and shoulder with her soft fingertips. "You own all of my heart, Jane. Everything. There is no part of me that is not completely owned by you."

Jane closed her eyes and waited for her breathing to normalize. Her rib began to ache after a bit. But for those magnificent moments before, she felt no pain at all. She looked up to find Maura lovingly observing her in the dim, shadowy room, lit only by the faintest silvery light.

Jane's heart _was_ full, so full she was on the edge of tears again. Her emotions were running wild. Feeling slightly overcome, she moved her arms a little, to check if this was a dream. Then she slid her hand along Maura's hip upward to her face and hoarsely whispered. "Maura?" She swallowed thickly. "Maura, you love me?"

**Well, there it is. A cliff hanger if there ever was one. I am not a writer. Well, not a creative writer. I do spend many hours at my job writing technical documents like Project Plans, Technical Specifications, Test Plans, Requirements Documents, Project Schedules, bla bla - see, even the list is incredibly boring. Imagine if I pulled any paragraph from this chapter and wedged it in to one of those docs for fun one day... Nope. Nope. I won't. I was really REALLY nervous about writing this chapter...and I paused more than once before clicking go to publish. I tried to write intimacy without coming across as, well, dirty. I hope you enjoyed it. (and, no, I have not yet attended comma school as you might already have noticed.) **

**Thank you so much for reading. **


	13. Chapter 13, Reality is Only an Illusion

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch13, Reality is Only an Illusion**

"That IS what I just said, Jane." Maura gave Jane a quick look. She was smiling because Jane was certainly teasing right now. So Maura turned fully toward her to tease right back, "You mean to tell me you are not certain after," Maura paused trying to think of how to describe the event in her mind, "After what you and I just experienced together?" Maura was incredulous and anticipating Jane's funny retort.

But it never came.

"Maura, I don't," Jane tried to take a breath, "I don't feel right." Jane was having trouble breathing deeply.

Maura heard the breathlessness and frailty in Jane's voice projection and became alarmed. She needed to get to the bottom of it. "Is it your rib?" Maura was sitting up in the bed facing Jane with her hand on Jane's shoulder. "Jane, what are you feeling?"

"Maura, I don't know, I, something is wrong." She formed fists with her hands and moved them to her forehead pressing her fists on her head. Jane felt so confused. Thoughts were jumbling in her head. Her eyes were pinched shut. She was wincing.

Alarmed, "Jane, are you in pain?"

"No, I mean yes, but that's normal. The pain isn't worse." Jane strained to sit up in the bed and Maura put her hand on Jane's back so she could help lift her to sit up more easily.

"Jane? What can I do? Where does it hurt?" Maura was growing more concerned.

Jane was sitting up, the white down duvet up just enough to cover her bare breasts. Maura propped up pillows behind Jane so she could be more comfortable sitting up and leaning on the pillows. Maura went to find her robe that was hanging the hook on the inside of the bathroom door and put in on. When she came back to the room, she had a glass of water and Jane's pain medicine in her hand. Jane's eyes were closed, her brows furrowed, one clenched fist against her left brow bone. Maura thought Jane must be in a great deal of pain. She played back the moments earlier and nothing she'd done should have caused Jane a bout of pain. Maybe the deep breathing would aggravate the rib a bit, but not enough for Jane to be apparently hurting this much.

Maura rushed to put the glass down on the nightstand and sat on the bed next to Jane. She reached for Jane's fist and gently pulled it into her hands. Jane opened her eyes. "Jane, Please, what is it?"

Jane blinked and a single tear rolled down. Jane couldn't make any sense of what was going on in her head. Nothing made any sense and she was beginning to have an anxiety attack. She felt as if she was suffocating, couldn't breathe, everything was moving. She needed to close her eyes. Something.

Hearing the blood rush in her ears, the sound of her heartbeat mixing with all the thoughts swirling around in her head was akin to a cacophony. Feeling Maura take hold of her closed fist, she screwed her eyes shut in the hope that darkness would dull her senses. It didn't help as she felt her breathing become ragged and she couldn't catch her breath. She could feel Maura's presence right next to her, and it was a mixture of soothing and panicking. She wanted to focus on Maura, on the feel of her hands on her, calming her. When she did though, it almost felt like her skin was crawling. She was afraid. She found herself pulling away to center herself. She tried to inhale deeply but shallow breaths were all she could manage and the lack of oxygen was making her head spin.

She was gasping now and she needed to look at Maura. She could hear Maura's voice in the distance, the panic in it was palpable. Holding a breath that felt like it wanted to rip itself from her lungs, Jane sat for a long moment and she focused not on the voices in her head, but on simply opening her eyes. Exhaling slowly she achieved her goal but before her she found Maura, looking at her with terror stricken features and tears bubbling over her eyes. Nothing was making sense, but seeing Maura so upset caused Jane to gasp then bite roughly on her bottom lip. She immediately felt the pull to have contact with her wife again. To soothe her, if only her brain could catch up. She reached for her hand again. Something felt coiled inside her, like something was blocking her ability to see clearly and rationalize and it was about to spring loose.

"Sweetie, please. Please, what is happening?" Maura tried to lock eyes with Jane. Maura had begun to wipe away her own tears forming in her eyes. "Jane?"

"Shh, Maur," Jane reached her other hand to Maura's back. Jane forced her breathing to settle. Jane tried with all her power to will herself to be calm. The only thing she could reason that would soothe her was Maura. She wanted Maura by her side. "Will you come back into the bed with me?" Jane's eyes went back to Maura's. "Just lay here with me, please?" Jane gave a little pull with the hand Maura was holding and motioned with her head for Maura to go on her other side. "I don't want to talk. I don't want to think. I just want to be near you. Is that ok, Maura? Please?"

Maura stood and gave a hesitant, slightly confused look. "Okay. Of course. Would you like to take your pain medicine first?"

"Oh." Jane gave a breathy huff of air. "Yeah, I guess that would be a good idea too. Thanks Maur." She took two pills and swallowed with the offered glass she shakily took from Maura's hands. She smiled toward Maura and handed the glass back to her.

Jane was feeling incredibly confused. Flashes of memories kept coming in rapid succession. She was alarmed that nothing she knew was real. "Please, Maura. Please come be next to me." Jane's fear was overpowering her, she needed Maura next to her.

Maura put the glass back on the stand and went to turn off the light again then slid back into the bed. She kept the robe on and slipped all the way over toward Jane. Jane had all the pillows so Maura rested her head against Jane's shoulder as Jane wrapped her arm around. Moonbeams still lit the room, but barely. It was quiet except for their breathing. Maura listened closely to see what she could tell from Jane's breathing but when she rested her head more firmly against Jane's shoulder and chest, she could hear Jane's rapid heartbeat. It was too fast. Maura knew Jane must have been feeling incredible anxiety and in that moment realized that Jane must be remembering.

She wanted to talk to Jane, to know what was happening, but didn't want to stress Jane any further than she apparently already was. Maura could feel Jane's heart beating quicker than normal, with force, throughout the length of her body. Something was definitely happening. Maura's mind kept thinking about Jane and considered if maybe some memories were returning and what repercussions would result. More than anything, Maura wanted to find out how Jane was feeling.

She wanted to ask. She was afraid.

Suddenly, the doubts about her decision to let things happen between them were back. It wasn't like Maura to have so much doubt. Typically, she made a decision and that was it. This was so very different. Every move going forward needed to be considered and deliberate until Jane was ready to tell her what was happening.

She rested her head against Jane's bare skin, but neither woman slept yet.

Jane's right arm was wrapped around Maura's warm body, her fingers traced lazy circles along the bottom edge of Maura's silk robe, dipping across smooth skin of Maura's upper hip and back onto silk. Over and over, the movement was soothing to both women. Jane's heart was still pounding. She was trying to force herself to calm down. Maura hummed at the feel of the soft caresses. The sound of Maura's voice gave Jane strength to speak.

"Maur?" Jane whispered, coercing herself to sound calm.

"Yes? Jane?" Maura whispered back.

"Maura, I, can't think. My head. Everything is so confused and mixed up." Jane glided her hand up to touch the ends of Maura's hair, gently tugging at the ends and wrapping the soft curls around her fingertips. "I'm scared, Maura."

Maura dared not move. Still in a hushed voice, "Jane, can you tell me what's confusing you?" Maura relocated her right hand up, under the covers, to Jane's abdomen and rested it there. She needed to be touching Jane, as much as possible.

Both women were feeling vulnerable.

Jane continued to play with the ends of Maura's hair and spoke, "I keep getting flashes in my head. I can't remember our wedding. You know this. I've been struggling to remember things and they are just gone. I don't understand. I'm so confused." She pressed her hand down toward Maura's waist and held her close. Jane needed Maura to know. Jane's tears were building in her eyes.

"Tonight. Tonight, Maur. When you touched me. I wanted you so much. I mean, I do. All the time. I want you all the time. I can't help it. You are irresistible." Jane tried to force out a smile, just to calm Maura. "But, tonight, when you touched me, it was so, I don't know," Jane breathed in then out again, "overwhelming. It just sent me to another place."

Jane moved her hand lower, back to Maura's upper hip and started tracing the circles again. Her voice nearly breaking, "I don't remember. I don't remember you touching me that way before. I can't remember, Something feels off. It makes me feel lost, like part of my life is gone." She did the breathing thing again, "It really makes me feel sad." Tears rolled from her eyes and she reached her left hand to wipe them away.

Maura slid her hand further across to the opposite side of Jane's stomach and held her. She hurt so much for Jane. She'd give anything to cause all of Jane's pain to disappear. But what could she do?

Jane spoke, "Maura, marry me again." She startled herself that she was able to voice her request. She ceased her movements and twisted toward Maura to look in her eyes in the faint moonlight. "Maura, I need to have that memory. I don't have it and I might never get it back. I need it. I need you. You are the only thing that makes sense to me."

Maura fluttered her eyelids and moved her mouth to speak but no words emerged. She took a breath and tried again. Nothing. She raised her body so she was up above Jane looking down, leaning on her extended left arm. She could see the tears shining in Jane's eyes. Finally, she spoke with all the honesty in her heart, "Jane, I would love to marry you, but we should talk about this in the morning. Can we wait til morning?"

Maura needed time to think. She would love to marry Jane, but not until everything was out in the open. She wanted Jane to be aware of the situation. She decided that in the morning she would talk seriously and honestly about her head injury and the fallout from the dissociative amnesia and all it has done to affect Jane's perception of reality. She could not enter into such an agreement to marry Jane without Jane being of 'sound mind'. She refused to put either of them in that position.

Then fear struck.

Jane could very well be highly upset that Maura wasn't completely honest from the start. Maura found it hard to breathe herself. Suddenly nothing was settled. Even after the beautiful, no, more than that, breathtakingly beautiful, intimate moments tonight. Even after allowing all that has happened in these weeks. It had been about a week since that kiss in the kitchen, at the time she tried to fight it but it was impossible, just the thought of Jane prying her hands from the edge of that counter, she could feel it all again and it brought a heated rush through her body. Jane was everything. Especially now. And she couldn't lose that. Not now. Not ever.

She clung a bit tighter to Jane. Maura repeated her earlier question, "Jane, let's talk about this in the morning. Ok?"

"Yes, of course, Maura, we can talk in the morning too, I just need to let you know what I've been feeling and how scared I've been. How scared I am now. I keep remembering things that don't make sense. I think I'm losing it."

"I'm here Jane. I'm here with you and I'm not going anywhere."

They both fell quiet. Both thinking.

Jane hadn't stopped thinking since the overwhelming feelings she'd felt when Maura touched her and made love to her, touching her body with more passion and feeling than she'd ever experienced. Something clicked. Something changed. She couldn't put her finger on it, but she needed to figure it out. She started to question what she thought about what her life was like before she was struck by her assailant. She remembered the night before the incident, staying at Maura's. At Maura's house, not her own. She remembered the Frangelico. Drinking too much. Wanting to stay. Why? Why? Why would she want to stay if that was where she lived? Little by little, pieces were falling into place.

Her head began to hurt and she couldn't sort anything. All she knew for certain was that she was so completely in love with the woman next to her that she couldn't ever lose her. But if she was losing her mind, she would have no choice.

Slowly the pain medicine pulled her reluctantly to sleep.

Maura thoughtfully waited until Jane was asleep then quietly slipped out of the bed and went to brush her teeth and complete her evening routine of washing and moisturizing. She was aware that everything might change in the morning. She was brave but she wanted to feel this last night of being close to Jane. Jane could very well choose to not continue after she learned the truth of it all. She quietly assumed her place in the moonlit bed with Jane. Closer this time, she rested her head again against Jane's chest. She felt the warmth from Jane's body. Tears started to form in her eyes. She struggled to make them stop but it was a futile fight. Slowly she started to sob. She was already feeling the loss and it hadn't even happened yet. Maura did not have a good night at all.

Finally falling asleep with Jane, both women silently clung to each other in their sleep.

**_Note1: This chapter is more of a collaborative work. Inappropriate-sugartits took the time to help craft a few paragraphs within pertaining to Jane's experience with the panic attack. I never could have written that experience with as much power nor could I have evoked as much emotion as she. Thank you dear one._**

_**Note2: This was a very short chapter. By all rights, it should have been tacked on at the end of the previous chapter, but I wanted anyone reading to enjoy that feeling from chapter 12 for a few days. Now, things are about to change. Which direction? I won't tell...til the next post, LOL. I appreciate the feedback. I also appreciate the give and take we've shared over this story. I'm meeting people, virtually, anyway and I love it. To the reviewer who said you might like to see a paragraph from chapter 12 wedged inside a technical document...I'd like to have a conversation with YOU. Alright. I intend to post the next chapter by the end of the weekend. Thank you again for reading, commenting and visiting my imaginarium.**_


	14. Chapter 14, Secrets

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch14, Secrets

The early morning sun began to light the room again. Eventually, bright white light burst around the room. Jane woke first, her body ached. Maura was still wedged at her side holding on as if for dear life. Jane had to move. She slid away, lifting Maura's hand and resting it back on the bed. Jane tried to stretch a bit and when she returned from the bathroom, she decided to go ahead and take more pain medicine. Whatever was happening in Jane's head, she was not prepared to face it. Maura hadn't moved an inch. Jane didn't want to be anywhere but with Maura anyway so she lifted Maura's hand and resumed her own place under Maura's loving, protective arm. Finally, the medicine pulled her back to sleep again, despite the blinding sunlight.

Another hour later, it was Maura's turn to wake. She squinted to assess Jane's condition. Jane was sleeping like a baby and that was just fine with Maura. She stayed a bit longer, but then decided to go ahead and get the day going by showering before preparing a breakfast for the two of them. Maura thought they'd both need a good meal in them before everything fell apart. Maura prepared some eggs and toast and plated it for Jane. She poured some juice then delivered to a still sleeping Jane. She placed the tray next to the water glass on the tiny nightstand. Maura felt so much for this sleeping, darling woman. She sat at the edge of the bed and reached over to gently wake her love.

Sliding her hands along Jane's arm she whispered quietly, "Jane. Jane, honey. Time for breakfast. Come on, sweetheart." Jane barely moved. Maura moved her hand up to Jane's shoulder. "Jane, darling. Jane." Maura leaned over to place kiss on her lover's face. Slowly Jane began to stir.

"Hi." Jane was groggy and she didn't really want to be awake, but the feel of Maura's lips on her cheek were worth waking up, just to feel more of that. She reached her arm around Maura and noticed the smell of the food Maura had prepared for her. "You made breakfast?"

"Yes, but if you'd rather sleep, I can make it fresh for you later."

"No, I'm up. I'll eat." Jane strained to sit up and Maura helped her again.

"How are your ribs? You seemed to be in some pain last night."

"They hurt, maybe a little more than normal, but I'm ok, Maur." Jane knew Maura thought she was in some physical pain. She was too afraid at this point to admit what was happening with her memory.

"You know, the heavy breathing you were doing last night might have caused you some pain." Maura smiled slightly in remembrance. "That is actually recommended to help your healing rib. It is good to stretch the lungs and keep oxygen coming in at a normal rate, despite the pain you might feel. It would be bad if you got into the habit of breathing in shallow breaths. Breathe in deeply whenever you can, Jane."

"Yes, Doctor." Trying to distract Maura from the conversation, Jane looked over toward the plate and Maura reached for it. She sat at the edge of the bed with Jane's hand around her hip and took the fork to make a bite for Jane. Jane watched every move and opened her mouth when Maura moved the fork toward her. While Jane was chewing, Maura decided to start that conversation she knew needed to happen.

"So, Jane, last night, what else were you feeling?"

Jane took her time to chew properly and buy time before answering. She wasn't sure yet even how to say what she was feeling. Swallowing her food, "That is delicious, Maura. Thank you."

Maura looked on waiting for the response to her question.

After a beat, Jane, feeling her anxiety ratcheting up, decided to deflect again, "When is your doctor friend arriving? I thought I'd get to speak with her here."

"She will be here day after tomorrow, Jane." Maura wished her friend would come today. She needed her today and so did Jane.

Jane didn't want to wait that long, but she decided she'd do her best to try and not go completely insane in the meantime. She'd have to watch her behavior in front of Maura.

Maura offered Jane another bite.

"Jane, you don't have to tell me, but you know I'd like to help you in any way I can." Maura moved the fork to get another bite for Jane. "I am here for you." Jane was ready for another bite and Maura fed her. Maura was getting all the clues she needed to realize that Jane's memory was returning. She needed to call Rachel and see if she could get here sooner.

"Jane, I spoke with Dr. Swen yesterday. She did mention that she might be able to come sooner. I'll give her another call and sort that out so we both know, ok?"

"Yeah. Ok." Jane was scared. She didn't want Maura to doubt her mental condition. She wanted to be able to get back to work and get things back to normal, whatever that was. She wasn't even sure anymore of anything. She kept seeing her own apartment in her mind. She was so confused. Why did she keep her apartment after they got married?

Maura noticed how quiet Jane was. which made her start feeling nervous. She didn't know what to do. This couldn't be good. After all the thinking she'd done, preparing for this moment, now that it was happening, she felt completely lost and unable to focus on what Jane really needed. She knew she was too close. She knew she shouldn't have taken them away from Boston. She felt she'd completely done the wrong thing.

Regret.

"Jane, here, take this bite." Maura stood up from the bed.

After Maura finished cleaning the plate of food, Jane decided she'd better get out of the bed for the day.

"Ok, I think I need to take a shower anyway." Jane nervously asked, "Then, do you wanna go for a walk with me?"

A walk. Maura's intuition told her Jane was going to tell her something significant during that walk. "Yes. But it is still cold out so be sure to dry your hair before we go." Maura leaned down to give a kiss to Jane's forehead and walked out.

Jane sat wondering where her sweet good morning kiss went. Maura was acting strangely. She figured she was acting strangely too, so Maura must be reacting. She sat in the bed for a bit, thinking, sorting her head. She whispered under her breath, "Why is everything so mixed up?" She pulled the down quilt over her head to block the bright morning light and to focus her mind.

Maura took the dishes to the kitchen and started to get the mess cleaned up. She took in a deep breath. This wasn't going to be easy and she truly didn't know which way this conversation was going to go. She needed to talk with Rachel immediately. But, when she picked up her cell phone and saw three texts from Frankie, she decided to give him a quick call. She'd ignored all messages yesterday while she enjoyed the time with Jane and suspected that Frankie was worried. Frankie had been checking up on Jane via texts from Maura these past few days and Maura knew that by skipping a full day of texts that Frankie would be on full alert. She also knew Frankie would not be happy if and when he ever found out what she and Jane had been up to. She decided to face the music and call him anyway.

"Frankie. Hi."

"Hey Maura, how's Jane? I tried texting and wondered what was happening."

"We're fine, Frankie. Dr Swen should be here the day after tomorrow."

"Is she remembering anything yet?"

"I think so, I mean we haven't talked about it, but Frankie, I do think something is happening."

"Do you need me there? I can drive up. Just say the word, I can be there in a couple hours."

"No, Frankie, no. I don't need you to come. But I might need you when we return."

"What? Why? What is happening? What are you talking about?"

"Jane asked for Dr. Swen. Jane has something to talk about. I only wish I could get her to come sooner. I'm about to make that call to her and see if she can come now."

"Ok, but let me know what's happening. Text me or something, ok?" Frankie was silently trying to remember if his car had enough fuel to get to them if they needed him.

"I will, Frankie. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Maura. Remember, call me if you need me."

"Ok, I will."

"Good, bye Maura." The thought crossed Frankie's mind that he needed to get there and just be in the area, something in Maura's voice left him unsettled. He got everything ready just in case he needed to leave in a hurry.

Maura disconnected that call and immediately made another. Her hands were shaking by now. Nerves were getting the best of her.

She dialed Dr. Swen. Before Rachel Swen could get out her hello, Maura started, "Rachel, Jane is remembering. I don't know what to do. Rachel, I need you."

"Maura, dear, you can handle this."

"No, I can't. I need you here. I don't know how to make this right. I've handled things all wrong."

Dr. Swen said, "Maura, dear Maura. I can be there day after tomorrow. Tell me what has happened to trigger her memory and where is Jane now?"

"Showering, Jane is showering."

"Alright. What triggered her memory?"

Maura cringed. She had to tell Rachel what happened the night before. "Well, Rachel, I followed your advice! I'm not even sure if I should listen to you anymore. You told me to 'just love her'. Well, I did. We did. And now," Maura was practically shrieking. "I could lose her." Maura's anger had surpassed her fear.

"Maura. What did Jane say? What did she do to make you think she's regained her memory? And Maura, losing Jane's trust was always a risk."

"What? You're not helping. Jane said she is confused and doesn't know what is real. She had an an acute, psychobiologic reaction manifested by intense anxiety and panic right after I, I mean she, after we were together." Maura stood up straighter. She needed to express the severity of the situation. Maura pulled the phone from her ear and looked at it as if Rachel could see the anger in her face, "That sounds pretty damn serious to me." She paused a moment, glaring at the phone before putting it back to her ear and continuing. "And here I am, on some remote outpost, alone, without the proper skills or facility to care for her." Maura's own anxiety was peaking and she began to breathe in shallow breaths. Her voice became quieter. "I should take her to the hospital."

"She had an anxiety attack after you two," Rachel cleared her throat, she knew Maura was agitated and she needed her to be calm to hear her direction. "After you were intimate with Jane?"

Maura's short breaths on the other end of the line were interrupted by the tiniest whimper in the form of a very quiet "Yes."

"Alright, Maura. I am going to give you some instructions. Are you following me? Can you understand what I'm saying?"

Maura's breath began to ease a bit. "Yes, instructions. Please, I need to know what to do."

Rachel knew that keeping Maura's methodical mind busy was going to go far in making her able to handle what was happening. Dr. Swen didn't want to risk having two patients when she did finally arrive. "Listen to me Maura, first, I need you to try to remain calm yourself. You'll be no good to Jane if you, yourself, are having anxiety issues."

"Of course, that makes perfect sense." Maura's mind was already switching gears and she began to force herself to breathe normally. Deeply in and fully out. Forcing herself to relax and be as together as she could given the circumstances. She knew she needed to be there fully for Jane. "Then what, Rachel?"

"Remember that taking Jane to the hospital, if not absolutely necessary, will only serve to impact her career and damage her psyche even more. Don't forget the reason we are pursuing this form of protection for Jane is to save her from that, from everyone in her life, in her career, knowing that she has suffered a mental break. You can manage this, Maura. You can take care of her."

"Rachel, she HAS suffered a mental break and maybe she does need institutional help. What if she is damaged from NOT having gone in to the hospital?"

"Again, if she is not behaving dangerously to herself or to you, please consider her well-being and what this could do to her after this gets out to the world. You are a doctor, Maura, and a very competent one."

"Yes, but I have very little training in psychiatry and this kind of head trauma and dissociative amnesia."

"You have me, Maura." Dr. Swen was checking her schedule on her computer to see how quickly she could get to them. "I'm trying to get to you sooner, but in the meantime, I need you to follow my instructions. I have treated many patients with dissociative amnesia and I assure you, you are the best thing for Jane. Are you ready?"

"I have to be."

"Do what you can to keep Jane calm. Listen to her, but don't argue. And don't let her leave your sight. Be ready to take her to the hospital if she becomes violent. Have the hospital number in your phone in case you need help getting her there. Now, Maura, take her to the hospital as a last resort. OK?"

"Yes, last resort. I have the hospital phone number already programmed to my phone."

"Somehow I knew this would be the case, Maura. You truly are a thorough and caring doctor. You can do this." Rachel went back to her list of tasks for Maura.

Maura interrupted. "Jane said she wants to take a walk with me, to talk. Should I, should we talk about what's happening? Should I tell her what has been going on?"

"If she can't seem to wait for my arrival, then you may need to, but introduce the situation gently."

Maura's doctor friend continued to provide instructions while Jane was on the other side of the small cabin.

Jane stayed in the bed for only a few minutes after Maura walked out the door. She tried to go through what she thought she knew, but as she sat there, in the quiet, with the blanket shielding her from the light, she felt mostly in awe of the love she felt from Maura. She remembered laughing with Maura. Dinners with Maura. Saving Maura's life. She remembered all those nights talking with Maura and gradually falling for her. She also remembered feeling incredible longing for Maura. She wanted her. That's what she remembered most. Wanting Maura to be hers and feeling angry and frustrated that that could never happen. She felt as if she'd never be able to love Maura the way she wanted or to have Maura love her back. But here she was, wrapped in the blanket they shared together for these past two magical nights.

Her eyebrows pushed down and Jane's face contorted in confusion. She remembered chasing the bad guy and diving to stop him from running into Maura. She remembered the beat down and seeing Maura's face after waking. She remembered being in a fog at the hospital, needing Maura, asking for her wife. When did they get married? She still hadn't been able to remember their wedding. It really bothered her. She was so confused.

Eventually, she dragged her body from the bed and went to the shower. She stood, staring off, unfocused as the water rolled over her. Finally, she washed her hair and tried to snap out of her trance. Maybe Maura would help her understand. It was time to reveal the depths of her confusion to Maura. If she was going crazy, then no one in the world would be better to help than her Maura.

She exited the shower and dressed to go find the love of her life. It was time to tell her everything.

_Long time, no see. Apologies. I've already begun the next chapter and have all remaining chapters sketched out. No turning back now. I'll appreciate your feedback._


	15. Chapter 15, Everything

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch15, Everything

It was time to tell her everything.

Maura's small frame was dwarfed by the picture window at the back of the kitchen as she gazed out toward the water. The morning light was bright and the sun reflected radiantly from the snow into the room. With the sky clear it had all the elements of a beautiful day, despite the below freezing temperature. Maura's heart quivered in her chest while she stood in her robe. She held a warm cup of coffee pressed too firmly between her hands and stared out in the direction of the surf. Everything ends, she thought. This dream she had been living these past days was destined to end. Maura knew she'd messed with fate. She felt she'd stolen her own future away by trying to be anything but completely honest with Jane, who deserved to understand the full extent of what was happening with her memory loss. Maura's intuition tugged at her and kept telling her that it was more than likely that Jane would never forgive her after learning that she had deceived her this way, in what some might see as taking advantage of Jane in her most vulnerable condition.

Maura lifted the cup to her lips and took a sip of the tasteless coffee. She hadn't slept well after Jane's panic attack and needed a boost from the caffeine and so she forced the dark black liquid into her body. She needed her mind to be clear and sharp today to keep things under control. She needed to take care of Jane, to make sure Jane understood she did all of this FOR her. Maura knew the strong-willed and stubborn, yet devastatingly charming woman well enough to comprehend that she could very well react negatively once she grasped the truth of the situation.

She had suppressed the reality of Jane's memory loss very well during the past 24 hours. She paused all tragic thoughts for a moment and let her mind relax in a pleasant warmth from the immense and powerful beauty the two of them created with every touch. What happened this past week was virtually beyond her control, starting with that dangerously mesmerizing kiss in the kitchen back at her home. After all the years of yearning, she succumbed to the desire she felt for Jane; she was only human, after all. She relived the escalating tenderness and love they had shared together over the past few days. For an instant, she thought, how can this be so wrong? Shaking her head, she refocused. She needed to help Jane.

Maura was certain that Jane would be embarrassed, frightened, and likely angry to discover that a person she believed she could trust could betray her. Maura wasn't sure if Jane could ever forgive such a betrayal. The normally empirical mind of Doctor Maura Isles kept slipping into a haze of uncertainty, rationalizing, why did she ever think that caring for Jane on her own was a good idea? Or that sleeping with Jane was actually a healthy and ethical thing to allow to happen, no matter how much she wanted it? Maura believed that any reasonable person would know by now that whatever hope she may have had of a relationship with Jane was about to abruptly end.

"Maura."

Lost in her thoughts, Maura nearly spilled her coffee when she heard Jane's voice. The sound from the other side of the room was muffled. Maura's eyes were clouded with tears and her heart so heavy it held her in place. She struggled to turn toward the voice. Jane saw the near miss with the coffee then rushed to Maura's side to try to make eye contact. Maura was having trouble focusing.

"Maura, baby, what is it?"

Maura finally looked into Jane's eyes. She saw fear and love there. She wanted to believe that Jane would forgive her, but she didn't even forgive herself in this moment. Maura opened her mouth to speak, but the weight in her heart stopped her and the tears slipped down her face. She stood staring silently at Jane. Jane took Maura's coffee cup and slid it onto the smooth tile surface of the counter, then pulled Maura to sit on the stool next to the kitchen island.

Jane, freshly showered and dressed, placed her hands on Maura's knees and attempted to decipher what was happening with Maura. They sat there for a moment while Jane tried to find the words to say what she needed to say. Maura was a smart woman, Jane thought, she must know how much she has forgotten about their life together. To Jane, Maura's tears gave her feelings away, she must know that Jane was losing her mind. This perfect, loving woman with the gold specks in her stunningly hypnotizing eyes, was suffering because of her. Jane cringed at the thought.

Quietly, she reached to smooth away the tears from Maura's face and whispered, "Maura. I need you to know something."

Maura dropped her eyes and stared blankly at Jane's collarbone, refusing to allow her own reality to enter the moment.

Jane removed her hands from Maura's knees and repeatedly rubbed her palms against her own denim clad thighs. Jane was nervous. She finally stopped her fidgeting and lifted Maura's chin to force eye contact. "Maura, I need you to know, I love you. I have loved you from the moment we met. You are my entire heart and I can't stand the idea of losing any part of you or of us." She closed her eyes a moment and drew in a deep breath. "Maur, sweetheart, I know you know I forgot stuff, important things, and stuff." She knew she was struggling with words and cleared her throat to continue. "I've lost a good sized chunk of my memory and it's really freaking me out."

Maura's eyes snapped up toward Jane's and her facial expression grew more intense as she listened to Jane.

"Don't try to tell me you don't know. Why else would you be crying?" Jane pressed. Maura turned her face to the side.

Jane needed to tell Maura everything she was feeling but she needed to be on stable ground. Balanced on a stool in the kitchen didn't feel like the proper place to have such a talk. "Listen, it's probably too cold to go for a walk like we planned. I really want to talk with you about this. Let's go in the living room and sit down together, ok?" Maura didn't move. "Maur, come on. Come with me." Jane took Maura's hand and stood.

Maura followed in silence wondering what direction this conversation was about to take.

Maura didn't want Jane to be lost anymore. She wanted to tell Jane everything. Her darling Jane deserved to know the truth. She deserved to have help in sorting her memories.

As they sat together on the sofa, Maura wiped her streaming tears and steeled herself to accept whatever Jane was about to say.

Jane could see clearly how much Maura was hurting and her heart ached for what Jane believed she was doing to her. She knew the only way forward was to tell Maura what had been happening. Jane needed to trust that Maura would use that big brain of hers and help her through whatever became of her memory. Jane also felt like telling Maura the truth of the extent of her memory loss might be the thing that broke them for good. It was just too much. Jane looked down and began to massage the scars on her hands. She was more than nervous. Jane felt as though losing her memory and losing all she thought she'd had of Maura was like dying. She couldn't put Maura through any of the pain of that.

"Maura," Jane paused a moment gaining courage, "What I'm about to say might cause you to be upset. Well, even more upset than you are now. Just, Please, don't run away from me. I need you. I need you to help me. Please. I know you know my memory is messed up." Jane shook her head, she didn't know how to even begin. "I need you to know the extent of it. How confused I am. How lost I am."

Maura looked toward Jane and she became faint witnessing Jane admitting to feeling lost. She wanted to end the confusion immediately, regardless of the loss she would feel if Jane left her forever. She loved Jane enough to risk everything.

"Jane." Maura tried to interject. Jane kept talking.

"Maura, I don't even know what is real anymore. I mean, I know I love you. I do. But I don't even remember our first kiss. I feel so terrible about it. I want to remember, but I just can't. It's as if it never happened? How can that be?" The pain of this feeling was all over Jane's face. "Yesterday was so beautiful. Last night was so beautiful. Maura, you, you are so beautiful. Why can't I remember our life before getting knocked in the head?"

"Jane." Maura tried to grab Jane's hands as she was gesticulating.

Jane stood up as she spoke, no longer able to remain still. "What kind of person am I? Why can't I remember the most important moments of my life? I am not even a whole person anymore. In my head I think I still have my apartment. Why? I feel so lost. " Jane turned away from Maura. She couldn't face her in this moment. "Maur," Jane's head fell forward in anguish. "Maur, last night, I kept getting flashes of remembering wanting to be swallowed up, wanting my life to just stop. It's like I hated my life and I wanted you so much, but I couldn't have you. It was like a nightmare." She turned to face Maura again to gauge her reaction. "Last night, I felt like I was having a heart attack and I truly felt my mind wasn't even my own."

"Jane!" This time louder as she stood, Maura held Jane's hands still and tried to get her attention.

Jane stared back, even more confused as to why Maura wouldn't let her speak.

"Maura, what? I need to tell you this." Jane's voice was stronger, pleading to force Maura to hear what she had to say. "I can't trust my own memories." Jane shuddered. "If I can't remember, I don't think I can make you try to carry all the burden; to be the one who remembers our past life together. It's not fair that you are the only one remembering our wedding, our life over the past few years."

Maura's head jerked forcefully when she heard Jane say 'years'. She wondered if maybe Jane had suffered much more significant memory loss that she'd thought.

"Maura, I don't want you to have to retell our life story as if I wasn't even present." Jane felt handicapped and if she didn't get her memory back soon, she wouldn't stay with Maura and let her suffer, no matter how much Jane wanted them to be together.

"If I can't remember, I think I should leave." Jane's words shocked Maura.

Maura's quaking voice broke through, "No, Jane, I have to let you know." She pulled Jane back down to sit beside her again on the sofa. Jane didn't want to budge from her position, but she eventually relented and sat beside Maura, who did not release Jane's hands.

"Jane, listen to me, please. You are not misremembering. You do still have your apartment."

There was silence for a moment while that last statement hung in the air. "What? Why Maura? Why did I keep my apartment?" Jane's tears were about to fall; she was so utterly confused.

"Jane, sweetheart, when you hit your head and received a concussion, you did lose some of your memory."

"I know, Maura, that's what I'm trying to tell you. I can't remember our wedding or moving in with you at your place." Jane hurriedly corrected, "Our place, but I do remember wanting to be married to you. I do remember trying to find any excuse I could to be near you." Jane pulled her hands from Maura's and covered her own face. She didn't know what to think. "I think I am going crazy."

Jane's revelation of finding any excuse to be near her stirred Maura's love for Jane and squeezed her heart even more. Maura's heart felt as if it was dying the death from a thousand cuts. Jane was obviously in immense distress. Maura knew she needed to handle this delicately.

Jane's entire body was tensed. "Maura, I need to talk with the doctor to get my memory back. I want my memory back!"

"Jane, please, listen to me." She paused a moment while Jane refocused on her.

Maura once again took Jane's hands. She needed to feel connected to Jane right now because she felt this might be the last moment they actually shared together, as a couple. Once Jane realized the truth, she could easily just let go of everything.

"Jane, the life you are remembering is real." Maura took in a deep breath through her mouth then pursed her lips and let the air exit through her nose, building the nerve. She slid her hands up and firmly held Jane's wrists, her eyes holding Jane's, "Before you hit your head, you did live in your own apartment."

Jane observed Maura's serious demeanor and tilted her head while drawing her eyes into a squinting, confused stare as she strained to put it all together. "But Maura, all my stuff is at your house, OUR house."

Maura braced herself before she spoke. This was it. The terror she felt from the beginning of this ordeal surged toward the surface. She must face her fear, for Jane's sake. She would be truthful with Jane, even if it meant losing her. Her voice was shaking and she tried to compose herself, "Jane, your head injury produced a condition called Dissociative Amnesia. You didn't remember your real life, but you did remember this fabricated life where you and I are married." Maura was in agony, she wanted nothing more than to actually be married to Jane. "Jane, we were never married." She was dying a little inside knowing what might happen by Jane learning the truth, not of her memory loss, but of how Maura reacted, playing along in what Jane would certainly see as a game.

"Fabricated life? What? We're not married? I…" Jane withdrew completely from Maura. A pitiful and sad expression instantly appeared across Jane's delicate features. "But we, we live together, we...sleep together." Jane started rubbing at the scars in her hands again. Jane paused. Finally, her voice breaking in a nearly soundless whisper, "We love each other."

Maura's usually masterful command of the English language vanished. Tears welling again in her eyes, she imagined the incredible pain Jane must be feeling. She wanted it to all go away. She wanted Jane to understand how much she actually did love her. She wanted Jane to be healed, to understand that the life they both want was right here, to be had, to be lived. She reached again toward Jane to comfort her.

At that touch, the synapses in Jane's brain began to fire and reconnect the neural circuits. The imagined clicking sound of a million domino's rapidly falling, one into the next, as her memories rejoined caused Jane to reach her hands to her head. She recoiled and her face turned hard. "No!"

Maura jumped at the strong and determined force in Jane's voice. It was a jolt she felt go through her entirely. The finality of the sound from Jane's powerful "No!" still echoed in the tiny cottage.

She felt slapped with an irrational feeling of rejection. Despite Maura's powerful emotional responses, she needed to get her head back into the situation. Jane was the victim here, not herself. Jane was the one dealing with the immediacy of her returning memories. Within seconds Maura reverted to doctor mode as she set herself out to calm Jane.

Jane remained standing with her arms up, her fingers sliding through her hair as shaking hands slid slowly back across her forehead. Jane felt like she was going to throw up. With eyes pinched shut, Jane forced out all the air from her lungs through the tiny opening between her clenched teeth. She husked out, "The fuck?" Jane opened her eyes, remembering she was not alone in the room and glared at Maura. Jane had no idea what was happening. She was stunned by her own thoughts. And what happened in the past ten days? Did she actually sleep with Maura? Did Maura actually…? Why would Maura pretend they were married?

"Jane, here, let me help you." Maura felt the urge to ease any and all pain Jane felt as if her own life depended on it. Maura placed her hand tentatively on Jane's shoulder so she could bring her back to sit with her, to calm her and to comfort her. Jane reflexively pulled back as if Maura's hand was made of molten steel and then Jane darted off toward the kitchen. Once there, she ripped open the back door and landed on her knees on the snow covered deck. By the time Maura reached her there, Jane had emptied the contents of her stomach in a patch of now melting snow. She was shaking uncontrollably. Maura took a step back inside the door to grab a towel to hand to Jane.

"Jane, here, take this." From her position on her knees, Jane reached for the towel and wiped her face.

The sun was so bright on the glittering white blanket all around her, Maura squinted. She knelt beside Jane in the snow. She was still in her robe and it was cold outside. She begged, "Jane, come inside." Maura reached over and placed her arm around Jane's shoulder to try to get her to stand.

Jane practically yelled, "Maura, don't! Don't touch me." Maura withdrew her arm. She felt astonishingly wounded by Jane's reaction.

Jane knew that her words were hurting Maura, but she couldn't bring herself to behave reasonably. Jane was spiraling and her head was spinning. Jane wanted answers and she wanted to talk with Maura, but in this moment, she just needed to be alone. There was too much happening in her head.

Jane felt Maura's presence and she didn't trust herself not to say things that would hurt her further.

"Just leave me here. Go." Jane refused to look at Maura, her eyes disconnected and searching, her body still shaking. She lunged forward and started to throw up even more.

Maura retreated briefly into the cottage to rush to retrieve Jane's parka. She neglected to get her own coat. A short moment later, she returned to the back deck, "Here, Jane, please, at least put this on." Jane took the parka and covered her own shoulders and remained with her knees pressed into the icy, snow-covered wooden planks that were the surface of the deck.

Jane may have wanted to go inside and be out of the cold, but she was frozen in place, not by the snow but by abject terror and confusion. Right now, both her body and her mind were failing her.

Maura didn't go. She stayed out there, in the blowing cold air in nothing but her robe. She was afraid to leave Jane alone for any longer than a moment. "Jane, please, come inside."

"I said go, Maura. I need you to go inside." Maura perceived the building frustration in Jane's voice.

Maura receded inside the doorway to the warmth of the kitchen, but left the door wide open. She looked around for something to put over her, but there was nothing. Jane looked as if she was about to run. Noticing that Jane was wearing only socks on her feet, she felt the danger of Jane running was minimized. She decided to hastily get dressed and come back before Jane disappeared down the coastline. She needed to prepare herself for any event.

Before she went to dress, she put a bottle of water next to Jane's right knee.

Finally left alone, Jane took in her surroundings. She saw the mess she'd made in the snow and felt the ice burning her knees. Her hands were still shaking. Her entire body trembling in uncontainable tremors triggered by a combination of the cold and the panic she felt ripping her inside out. She suddenly felt very cold. She went to stand and knocked the water bottle over that was sitting beside her knee. Jane shook her head. Maura. She picked up the bottle and rinsed her mouth then put the bottle in the pocket of her parka. Jane stood and put her arms inside the parka and took hold of the snow shovel leaning near the doorway. She heaved the dirty snow away from the house to a safer spot in the bush beside the deck.

She stepped inside the kitchen. Her socks were covered in snow and would soon be wet. She hated that. Her knees were numb from the cold and her body ached to walk even a few steps. As her eyes adjusted to normal light, she went to the kitchen sink and rinsed her face and hands. Too physically and mentally exhausted to move any further, she leaned her elbows onto the sides of the sink and rested her head on her joined hands.

Maura returned to the kitchen. "Oh, You're in here."

Jane did not answer. She remained frozen to her spot against the sink.

"Jane, won't you sit?"

"Can't. Talk. Now." The harshness in Jane's tone felt foreign to Maura. Jane forced out, "Please, back off."

Maura's mouth dropped open a bit at the harshness from Jane. She stalked Jane with her eyes trying to determine if Jane was still ready to run. She saw the wet socks and turned to get Jane a fresh pair. She took a shuddering breath as if to wash the hurting words away from her. If comfort from a distance was all she was going to be allowed to offer, she would certainly do her best.

(This story is going to get increasingly frantic for a bit. If you can take it, you will be rewarded by the end for enduring this torture.)


	16. Chapter 16, Oblivion

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch 16, Oblivion

Eventually, Jane rose from her place leaning against the edge of the sink. A red mark remained on her forehead from resting her head on her joined hands while she tried to compose herself after she came back inside. Her back needed a stretch after staying in that position for the last twenty minutes. She knew Maura had retreated to the bedroom, so she slowly walked away from the kitchen sink and sat, still in her Parka, back in the livingroom, the farthest room from the bedroom. She blankly stared, nothing registered in her view. She was stunned, confused and hurt and she didn't understand anything. She eventually became aware of the soggy fabric wrapping her ice cold feet. She kicked off the wet socks then fished the water bottle from her pocket and sipped as she sat unmoving, staring out to the waves and seafoam border through the big picture window. The only movement inside that room for the next half an hour came from Jane occasionally faintly shaking her head from side to side indicating that she just didn't understand.

She removed the twist cap again to take another sip and immediately thought of Maura leaving that bottle, anticipating her needs. Maura. Always knowing. Why? Why is everything so messed up? That beautiful night last night. Perfection. And it wasn't even real. She tilted the bottle to her lips for another sip. She wanted that feeling to be real. It was more real to her than any other experience she could draw from her foggy memory. She took in another deep breath and let it go. The piercing pain from her rib reminded her that there really was an event that started all this. She did get hit pretty hard in her head. Is this what a doctor would do? If someone lost their memory? Why would Maura bring her here?

Another hour, just staring. Jane finished off her water then squeezed the hollow bottle in frustration, apparently trying to compress it to a space so small that it could nearly fit into its own cap. Failing to make the bottle disappear in her hands by force of compression, she placed the distorted vessel on the end table and listened to muffled popping sounds from the plastic trying to regain its form. Jane still felt sick.

Maura silently came to check on Jane. She was never further than the next room, constantly checking on Jane, knowing Jane did not want to speak to her. Quietly and unnoticed, Maura placed fresh socks at the edge of the end table in the living room. She knew how much Jane disliked a soggy sock.

Half an hour past. Jane removed the parka and finally felt warm but her feet were still cold.

Another hour, just staring. She turned her eyes to her empty water bottle to see that it had mostly reverted to normal form. For a moment she imagined wanting her life to go back to normal form. How? How could that ever be? What's normal anyway? Jane noticed the fresh socks beside her. She huffed lightly and shook her head a bit more. Her feet were feeling cold but she refused to touch the socks. She refused to acknowledge Maura. She couldn't bring herself to believe Maura would let her go on believing they were married. She just didn't get it. She was lost in thinking. Putting pieces in place. Trying to, anyway.

After a little more time, Jane started thinking about the night before she was hurt. The movie, the Frangelico, wanting to kiss Maura, stepping into the water from Bass' water bowl. She looked back over to the socks sitting beside her. She remembered Maura putting the fresh, clean warm socks on her that night. Such loving care. Jane let her mind walk through those memories of Maura and remembered more of those loving, caring gestures. She reached for the socks and put them on.

Maura watched from the bar stool at the counter in the kitchen. She wanted so much to fix everything. To make Jane understand.

More time passed. Maura gently called from the kitchen. "Jane, are you hungry, it's well past time for lunch?"

"No." Jane abruptly called back. She winced at her own harshness then she reconsidered more mildly. "No, Thank you."

Maura caught the correction. She felt a tiny piece of hope that Jane would speak to her soon. Maura noticed the empty, wrinkled water bottle so delivered a fresh bottle to the same end table and silently retreated, again.

She stood back in the kitchen, watching Jane from afar and thought of her game of Counting Coup. This version was much less fun. She dared not approach too closely to Jane in case it triggered more angry outbursts. She would still make sure Jane knew she was there, that she cared, that she was not alone.

Miles away, in Boston, Frankie was finishing up his shift at work when Angela caught up with him. He wanted to ready his car for a long drive, just in case he got a call to go to Jane. He dreaded facing his mother with the big secret he was holding.

"Frankie, How is Jane? I haven't heard from her or Maura for three days. What do you know?"

Frankie really had nothing he wanted to tell his mother about Jane. She had been purposely kept out of the loop. It was basically for her own protection. Both Frankie and Maura knew that if Angela knew the extent of Jane's condition she'd possibly let the information get out to the entirety of the free world. After Jane recovered, Jane would probably tear into her mother for giving her up. If Jane didn't recover, which, according to Maura is a possibility, or if Jane couldn't forgive Maura for allowing that kiss in the kitchen, his Mom would surely freak out about him hiding these facts. His instinct to protect Jane outweighed his fear of his mother's wrath. Frankie looked at his mother and simply said, "I heard from Maura today. They are enjoying the break from the real world."

Angela wasn't willing to accept such a curt answer from Frankie. She was one who always wanted, even felt entitled to, all the details. Her busybody reputation wasn't earned by not pressing for answers.

"Frankie, how is Jane feeling? How is her broken rib? Didn't Maura tell you anything else?" Angela blocked his path with her arms crossed preventing his escape.

"Ma, Jane is healing. They are fine." After all these years, he still had trouble getting his mother off his back when she was on a mission.

"Well, what else did Maura say? When are they coming home?" Persistence was in her genes. Frankie knew it. But Frankie felt he was the keeper of the secret and was valiant in his role.

"They'll be home when they get home, Ma. Just be glad Maura is willing to put up with Jane's whiny complaining. We are all lucky Maura is a doctor and cares enough to put up with all of us."

"Well, Maura is a dear. And you watch your tone with me, Mr." She pointed at his chest. "And you are right about Jane being difficult at times." Angela started to smile. Finally, Frankie said something to stop his mom from trying to grill him further.

"Frankie, do you remember that time when Jane got strep throat in high school? I think she was fifteen. Oh my, she was a bigger diva than Beyonce seems to be, needing all the attention."

"Yeah, Ma, I remember. Every time Jane got even a cold it was like the world was ending." He squinted his eyes and tilted his head, "Ma? Why didn't you make the world stop when I got a cold like you did for Jane?"

"Oh, Frankie, Janie was different. She still is. She's so sensitive and never wants anyone to know it. She always tries to be so strong, to pretend she doesn't need love. But whenever she got the flu, she let me take care of her like I wanted to." She wrapped her arm around Frankie. "You boys always let me baby you and care for you. The only time Jane ever let her guard down was when she was feeling sick. That's the only time she let me mother her. And I just need to know she is being cared for." She looked to the distance, unfocused. She really was worried about Jane. Angela's wistful look caused Frankie to lighten the moment.

Frankie smirked and said, "What do you mean always let you baby us all the time? I'm tough."

"Yes, Frankie, you are tough. But Jane, Jane is tough too, on the outside, but inside she is soft and squishy and beautiful. I wish she didn't hide that side of herself. She fights that so much." She lovingly dusted Frankie's shoulder.

She paused, imagining Maura dealing with Jane not feeling well, she nodded her head and the softest smile appeared on her face, "Maura does care about Jane. She would make sure she was ok. And I'm sure she'd let us know if there was something wrong." She pensively looked into Frankie's eyes. "It's so hard to be a parent sometimes. You'll find out, Frankie, soon enough, when you are a dad and give me some grand-babies."

"C'mon Ma! Not that again." He skirted away from her toward the exit. Frankie shook his head in acknowledgement. "Ok, Ma, I'm heading out for the day. My shift is over." He kissed his mother and walked toward the door, checking his phone for a new text from Maura. There were none.

"Well, if you hear anything else, you need to tell me." Angela drew in a deep breath. She loved all her children.

Jane became aware of Maura in the kitchen when she heard sounds of cooking. She sat still and didn't acknowledge Maura in the room behind her. She looked around and realized that it was nearly dark out. She checked her watch. It was after six. She'd been sitting there a long time and had finished that second bottle of water. She had to pee. To do that meant she'd have to walk right next to Maura in the kitchen. She wasn't ready to do that so she stubbornly waited. And waited. After awhile, she could smell the food Maura was making and she knew it was pasta. Seconds earlier, she heard the telltale sounds of the noodles going into boiling water and remembered the conversation at the grocery store when Maura wanted fresh pasta noodles and Jane talked her into the dry kind like her mom makes. She could smell the onion and garlic cooking. Bacon? What is Maura making? Jane tried to use her detective skills to discover that answer. She did start to feel hungry by now, and, she still had to pee.

Finally, she stood and wordlessly walked passed Maura as she cooked.

Maura knew not to speak. She knew to wait for Jane to make contact. The things Maura knew about Jane would have filled an encyclopedia. Maura paid attention. She knew Jane enough to not push. And Maura knew that being steady around Jane when emotions were flying high was the better move to make.

When Jane passed by the kitchen on her return trip, she glanced briefly at the ingredients on the counter but went straight back to her spot in the livingroom.

Maura continued to prepare the meal. Whether Jane would eat it or not, the pretty blonde wanted it to be ready in case Jane might want it after all.

After Jane sat down, she tried to distract herself from being so angry and confused by deducing what Maura was cooking for dinner. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a new bottle of water in place of the previously emptied bottle. Suddenly, she was pissed again. Was Maura cooking this meal right now to persuade Jane to start talking with her? Was Maura toying with her again by being so nice and thoughtful? Jane thought Maura thought that cooking a meal for her would make her talk. Well, it wouldn't.

"I know what you're doing, Maura." Jane sat on the couch unmoving, yet, talking.

Maura heard her, but didn't understand her meaning. "Jane, I'm cooking dinner. I know you said you weren't hungry, but I will be soon so I'm making enough for the two of us." Then Maura added, "Just in case you change your mind." She didn't want Jane to think Maura assumed anything.

Jane said nothing, after a few moments, she knew what Maura was preparing. The carrots, mushrooms, celery, white wine...She knew. It was bolognese sauce. Her mom's recipe, with the bacon. Her favorite. She was pissed. She felt manipulated. She wanted to leave, but she didn't have a car. She wanted to call her brother, Tommy to come and get her, but her phone was in the bedroom. She refused to walk past Maura again.

Oblivious to Jane's current distress, Maura continued to prepare the meal.

Jane stewed in her seat. She wanted answers but didn't even know the questions. She started to build a list in her mind.

Reaching deeply into her detective's toolbox, Jane continued to reason out what was going on and to try to mentally build the list of questions to sort. Jane's mind was pressed to capacity. She was already exhausted from trying to recover from her injuries. The chip on her shoulder that appeared once she registered that Maura actually lied to her became an enormous obstacle to rational thought. If Maura could lie, then all she believed about the world was in doubt. If she could no longer trust Maura, there was no meaning to anything. If she couldn't trust Maura, she was alone.

Jane's body was fighting her. Jane's mind was fighting her. The only person she would think to go to was Maura and now she couldn't. After all this, she could never reveal her frailties to Maura. Now Maura was just like the rest of the takers in the world, Jane pushed her feelings for Maura to the outside. She couldn't let Maura keep her special place anymore. Jane tried to steel herself but she struggled. The cold air she'd suffered the last couple trips outside really had settled into her body. Her hands had been shaky since she came back into the house. Her heart quivered. Jane wouldn't give Maura the satisfaction of knowing how she was feeling and giving Maura the perceived upper hand. Jane knew she was making no sense, but she couldn't help it. Nothing made sense at that moment.

Jane was stubborn when she wanted to be. All she wanted to do was find a way to get warm and relax, but she couldn't. There would be no relaxing for Jane until she understood what had happened to her memory and why Maura took her far away to a cottage on the beach in the heart of winter.

Ok, Jane thought, there is question number one. Why did Maura bring her to an isolated place when she had obvious memory loss? Which begged question two, why not a hospital? Isn't that where a person goes when they get knocked in the head so hard that they can't remember their own life as it was? In Jane's experience, Maura would never do anything to harm Jane. Knowing that fact and still feeling confused as to the situation frustrated her. Jane tried to line up what she knew as facts against what she knew now were false imaginings. No coherent thoughts were sticking with her. She needed to write this down. Her thoughts slipped away as soon as she conjured them.

The delicious aroma of the meal Maura was preparing was distracting. Jane hadn't eaten anything since very early that morning. Her belly was burning. She closed her eyes and took in a breath then let it flow out of her. She thought of the last meal she ate that morning, in bed, where Maura carried breakfast in on a plate and fed her. Then her thoughts went to the last night and the way Maura touched her. That was love. There was nothing NOT loving about the way Maura touched her. In even her dreams, she never imagined the intensity of the desire she felt for Maura less than twelve hours ago. She experienced the purest love and adoration from Maura as the delicately stunning blonde made love to her in the most exquisite and beautiful fashion. How could THAT not be real? She closed her eyes and relived the moments covered in moonlight in that tiny cottage bedroom... Jane pinched her eyes shut. She was so confused.

She heard Maura in the kitchen, "Jane, dinner is ready. Would you like some?" She wanted to say no. She wanted to scream. She wondered, in what kind of twisted, surreal world was she living. She was too exhausted. She knew if she didn't eat something, she'd be an even bigger mess than she was right then. The last thing Jane wanted was to need Maura to take care of her if she let herself become ill.

After a beat, Jane relented, "Yeah, I should eat something." Jane stood and walked over to the kitchen. She avoided eye contact with Maura and reached for an empty plate, not the fully loaded plate sitting on the island she suspected Maura had already put there for her. She wasn't ready to let Maura do anything else for her.

Maura simply observed, grateful that Jane decided to eat. It was torture for Maura knowing how much agony Jane must be experiencing over all of this. She watched Jane put food on her plate. The only sounds were of silverware clinking against ceramic dishes. A sound so familiar was now harsh against the heaviness of emotion in the air. Maura wanted to speak, to get a conversation started, but she knew Jane needed time. Maura was so close, she wanted to rush to Jane to comfort her, to hold her, but she held back. Once Jane's plate was full, she returned to the living room without a word. Maura finished her meal at the island. She knew Jane was feeling incredible distress. Once Maura was done with her meal, she retreated to the bedroom. Maura felt incredibly alone and empty inside. She felt as if she'd done everything wrong. She needed reassurance. She needed advice about what to do to help Jane. Maura closed the door and reached for her cell phone.

In the livingroom, Jane cleared her entire plate without stopping for a drink. It must have been delicious considering the way she raced to clear the plate, but once she was finished, she couldn't remember what it even tasted like. She pushed the empty plate onto the table beside her and picked up the water bottle. That bottle that never stayed empty, somehow, had been repeatedly replaced or refilled or maybe Jane's broken mind was imagining it all. It seemed to Jane that she'd kept drinking from that bottle all day like Mary Poppins kept pulling big, huge, giant never-ending stacks of stuff out of her suitcase. She paused for only a moment to acknowledge in her mind once again how Maura always anticipated her needs. She could hear Maura's voice from a memory telling her the importance of drinking enough water throughout the day. She shook the memory away then drained nearly half the bottle before returning it to the table beside her. She looked around the room and felt her head starting to spin. She closed her eyes and put her hands on her head.

Jane's thinking was unclear. In an instant, her heart was racing and her nerves were misfiring. She couldn't focus. Jane lifted herself wholly up onto the couch and curled into a tight ball, holding her own knees up to her chest. She was frozen there, trying to breathe normally, riding out the anxiety she was feeling. Jane felt angry that she couldn't seem to control her own emotions anymore. She felt sick. She had no control over anything anymore. Anxiety was taking her and there was no way she knew of to stop it. She felt like accusing Maura of toying with her. She was embarrassed and worried that all the moments they shared these past few days meant more to her than they meant to Maura. Was Maura simply placating her? Pretending so as not to upset her while she thought they were married? Jane hated that thought. Fleeting, disconnected flashes of memories bounced around in her head as her near frantic breathing failed to bring enough oxygen to her system. The nightmarish episode peaked then diminished. Her breathing finally started to normalize and the reverberation in her chest from her pounding heart was less overwhelming. She glanced quickly toward the kitchen to be sure Maura hadn't seen or heard what was happening to her. Slowly, Jane relaxed. Still shaking, she pushed a breath out and mumbled to herself, "Where is that head-shrink? What is taking so long?" Jane wanted to know what was happening with her, what had happened to her. She didn't feel at all like herself.

Once back into her own after that fit, she unfurled her body across the length of the couch. She reached to the floor to slide her parka up and across her legs in a flaccid attempt to warm herself. Jane let her body sink deeper into the cushions of the couch. Her verve exhausted, Jane fell asleep.

Sitting on the bedroom floor with her back pressed against the side of the bed, Maura's hushed, quaking voice was not registered in the livingroom. "I thought I could do this. I can't. I've ruined everything." Maura had called her doctor friend. She didn't even have the strength to be angry with Dr. Swen anymore. It wasn't Rachel's fault that Jane reacted the way she did. Maura carried all that blame herself. All Maura could do was plead with the doctor to come and fix it. Fix Jane. Fix herself. Fix the two of them together. "All I've ever wanted with Jane is gone! Days! My life started and ended in a matter of days, Rachel. Please. I need you now. Here. Get here. I need her Rachel. Please bring her back to me. I need Jane." After a few moments, Maura disconnected the call. She sat on the floor quietly sobbing.

Maura pulled herself together and wiped her face dry. Her head ached. She took herself to the living room to check on Jane one more time. She saw that Jane had fallen asleep. With Jane's injuries, Maura wanted to offer the bed to Jane, but now that Jane was sleeping she didn't want to interrupt this flawlessly magnificent, incredibly tortured woman's much needed rest. Maura could see that Jane had been crying too. Maura's guilt hit her with the force of a mile-wide asteroid crashing into earth. The crushing heartbreak Maura was feeling was unbearable. Maura put a blanket over Jane then picked up her wet socks from earlier and her empty dinner plate from the end table to take it to the kitchen. Maura's tears were flowing again as she delivered another bottle of water.

Retiring to the bedroom, Maura struggled to sleep. Her thoughts held her captive.

A few hours later, Jane woke up. All that water she drank had to go somewhere. She went toward the bathroom but stopped in the hallway when she heard the sound of Maura crying. Maura was saying things to herself, almost like arguing with herself between sobs. Jane couldn't understand a word, but that didn't matter. Jane's heart instantly clenched at the thought of Maura hurting in any way. That's not what she wanted. Jane was angry with Maura and questioned her motives. Jane felt completely lost in her own disconnected, scrambled memories but never did Jane wish for Maura to hurt.

Jane reached for the door handle to the bedroom. Her hand nearly to the knob, she stopped herself from touching it. She held her place while she reacted to her natural compulsion to protect Maura. Jane loved Maura. She was just so confused and she knew she wasn't behaving kindly to Maura. She couldn't help her behavior and she didn't understand. She didn't have anything in her tank to confront Maura and thought she'd just make things worse if she tried to talk about anything with Maura considering she had no clue about a thing with how jumbled her own thoughts were.

Jane considered going into the bedroom with the pretense to get her pain medication from her suitcase just to get a peek at Maura, but threw that idea out too. Part of her wanted to throw her arms around Maura and comfort her to tell her everything was going to be alright. But she wasn't even certain of that herself. She was certain of nothing. So, although, she was feeling some discomfort from her rib and the pain medicine would have stopped the physical hurting with the nifty bonus to help her to sleep faster, she just couldn't bring herself to face Maura in that moment. Jane quietly turned to the bathroom and, once she'd washed her face and brushed her teeth, went back to the living room then covered herself with the blanket she knew Maura must have put over her earlier. She threw the parka on top of the blanket. Nerves combined with cold weather warranted the extra covering. She would have to wait until Maura's doctor friend came before she attempted any conversation with Maura. Jane needed answers, Jane needed this 'head' doctor to fix her and make her memories whole so she could then sort the intense emotion and intimacy she'd experienced between Maura and herself.

Confusion and fear in one room, guilt and loss in another, eventually, exhaustion pulled them both to sleep. In separate rooms across the tiny cottage, the two women spent their first night apart in nearly two weeks.


	17. Chapter 17, The Pall

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 17, The Pall

Jane woke first that next morning. Her night on the couch wasn't too terrible.

She squinted her eyes. The emerging light outside the living room window pulled Jane's vision toward the sea. The early sky was gray and gloomy and matched the incoming tide that pummeled the edge of the sand.

Watching the rolling waves carry on their relentless pace in the monochromatic, silvery winter morning light, ideas started coming to Jane's mind like the surf that never stopped. She felt agony and fear, awkwardness and doubt, frustration and rage. Lost in the ebb and flow, she let her thoughts roam. How did she get to this place where she and Maura had become lovers? Were they lovers? Was Maura was just going along to pretend Jane's world was as she desperately hoped it could be? Were the past few days filled with false magic?

If this were true, Jane knew she would never have that which she most wanted, to love and to be loved in return by the only woman who ever made her want to feel everything the world has to offer. If Maura could do this as simply a meaningless prescription from a heartless psychiatrist, what did Jane really have? Had she been wrong about Maura? Has all of this ruined any hope she could ever live out her dreams? And how, through all this, did she still feel love?

"Maura." Jane's hushed whisper was barely audible.

The impossibility of desperate imaginings lingered in her consciousness as she stared, entranced with the repeating onslaught of the creeping waves on the beach. She took in a deep breath to clear her mind. Midway, she dipped her head and reached for her rib, the painful reminder of the catalyst to the ruination of her life. Clenching her teeth, Jane's face took on a ferocious form. She needed to fight. Jane exhaled, stood and walked closer to the view to the water. In the history of this earth, the waves never stop. The world keeps moving. Life keeps moving. She must keep moving.

If she understood only one thing, if Jane wanted to figure out her life, she couldn't stop.

Gradually, she stretched her muscles. Jane yawned. As much as she'd struggled to piece things together the day before, nothing was resolved. For starters, Jane was still fuzzy on facts and what events reflected reality. She felt the answer would be found when the doctor arrived. The importance of that meeting was not hidden. She needed to be ready for the doctor and to have all her questions organized. She felt a new awareness. It wasn't that she was no longer confused or angry with what she saw as Maura toying with her. She was still angry and confused and lost as ever in that respect, but Jane knew she had a battle to fight to get her memories in order. She felt like her entire future rested on what answers she could find to fix her mind. Her only bet was on Maura's friend, the mystery doctor, who was due to arrive soon.

A touch of fear and dread began to wrap around her heart and squeeze. She was concerned about what she might learn about herself from that doctor. Part of her wanted out of that cottage and away from everything. Her instinct pushed her to to run, but she knew she was held prisoner, in a way, with no car. She had no choice, really. She had to face her condition. Jane walked to the kitchen to prepare coffee then rifled through some drawers until she found a notepad and a pen. She went to that cottage to meet with this doctor, so she was darned well gonna be ready. "This world renowned psychobio-whatever-head-injury-fixer better be everything she's supposed to be." Jane thought nothing of speaking to an empty room. She'd only wished the 'head-fixer' would have been there the day before for her big blow up and crisis. She needed someone to lead her through her own thoughts and memories.

Jane settled back in at her spot on the couch, using her morning coffee as an elixir, she began writing disjointed notes on the paper she put on the table beside her.

Back in the tiny cottage bedroom, Maura woke to her phone buzzing. She reached clumsily to lift the phone to her eyes. There were several texts. One from Frankie and from Rachel.

Frankie wanted a status, "_Hi, Maura. How is Jane? How are you? I'm ready to drive up as soon as you ask. Please, just let me know how Jane is doing, ok?_"

Maura quickly sent a note. "_Jane knows we aren't married. She's not happy. Trying to get Dr. Swen to come sooner. Will tell you more as I know._"

Then she opened a message from Rachel. "_I rearranged my entire schedule. I will be there in the morning for a few hours and then see if I can get back to you for the next day for a few hours. Hold on, Maura. We will help Jane to deal._"

Maura drew in an anxious breath, grateful that Rachel could come for even a short time today. Dealing with Jane's anger and frustration and obvious pain and confusion over what had happened with her memory was more than Maura wanted to bear alone. Quickly texting Frankie again, "_My doctor friend will be here today, Frankie. No need yet to make that drive. Talk soon._"

"_Good, I'm ready whenever you need me._" Frankie responded quickly.

Her phone buzzed again. Maura opened a second text from the doctor. "_On my way this morning but I have to leave at one. But don't worry, I'll be back, Once my conference is over on Saturday night, I'll be over as soon as I can to spend as much time as you need. Maura, I need you to let me know you got this message._"

Maura texted back. "_Yes. We're here. Thank you. See you soon._"

Maura reached to her left shoulder with her right hand to work out some muscle discomfort she believed was from feeling such stress. She felt like she'd been hit with a truck with all the emotional pressure she'd been feeling. Grateful that her friend would be there to spend a few hours talking with Jane, she was not very happy that Rachel had to leave after a short time and not return for another 24 hours. Maura wasn't sure how to handle Jane alone for another night.

Maura's head still hurt and she was exceedingly worried about Jane and more than concerned that she'd gone too far. "Who does that? Sleeps with their best friend, when she's lost her memory?" Maura could easily see now just how wrong she'd been to allow anything physical between them. "What was I thinking?" Maura felt ashamed. She wondered why Rachel was so adamant she let that happen. She stood to go to check on Jane. Maura was wrapped in her robe. Puffy, sleepy eyes and messy blonde hair revealed the night's suffering as she approached the living room. She saw Jane sitting up, drinking from a cup and writing in a notebook. To Maura, it seemed like Jane was faring better than she was.

Jane heard Maura's footsteps from behind. If she was going to be stuck with Maura in this cottage while she figured things out, she knew to try to be civil despite her still seething anger and confusion. "Maura, there is coffee on the counter." Jane did not turn around.

Maura's face formed an expression of surprise that Jane sounded almost pleasant. She turned to see a jar of instant coffee sitting on the island. Under her breath, "Instant? You're drinking instant?" Then louder, "Jane, would you like me to brew some proper coffee for you?"

"No, thanks. I'm fine with what I have." and the sourpuss was back. Jane didn't really want to start the day in a bad mood and make Maura feel worse. "I like instant." She turned her body slightly to face Maura in the kitchen as she sat on the couch, "How are you this morning?"

Maura welcomed the chance to talk to Jane, she ached to have a real conversation, but knew better, "Oh Jane, I barely slept, I feel like I've gone through the wringer on the dishwasher."

Jane's face immediately flashed confusion before a tiny smile began to crack through her sullen features that had frozen her expression the past 24 hours. "That's a good way to solve the dirty dishes problem. But, I'm not sure the dishwasher with the wringer would sell well." Jane turned further toward Maura, "Unless someone invented rubber dishes to go with it." Jane finally looked at Maura to see the evidence of the bout of crying from the night prior. Jane's smile vanished. Maura was hurting. Never a good thing in Jane's mind.

Maura gently furrowed her brow with a slight head tilt. After a pause, she knew she didn't say that right, "Yes, Jane, I imagine you are correct." Maura softly smiled at Jane. "Why do I never get those things right?" Jane adored Maura's rare frailty. Their eyes connected while they both meekly grinned. They both felt a momentary sliver of hope.

Jane dropped her eyes. It was hard to forgive. Forcing the words, she wanted to be sincere, but so much confusion frustrated her. "I'm sorry you didn't sleep well, Maura." She could barely look at Maura. Everything felt wrong.

"That obvious, am I?" Maura pulled her robe tighter around her body. Maura felt nervous, as if she was being examined.

"Maura, I…" Jane wanted to apologize for yesterday's vicious reaction. In her heart, she felt love for Maura, but she just could bring herself to relinquish her anger, so she didn't. "Nevermind."

"Jane, please." Maura pleaded.

Both women were struggling. Jane turned away from Maura. It was difficult for both of them to verbalize what they wanted to say; to apologize to one another. Maura couldn't bring herself to broach that conversation and possibly suggest to Jane's fragile psyche that she _hadn't_ meant all that had transpired between them over the past few days, because she did mean it, all of it. Unable to commit the words to the emotion, Maura instead offered Jane the news about the doctor.

"Jane, Rachel," Maura thought to preserve Rachel's authority, "Dr. Swen texted that she will be here this morning. She said she can stay today only a few hours and needs to leave at one o'clock but she said she can come back again Saturday after her conference."

Jane's tone was still biting, she tried to fight it, "Great! About time, I could use her help." Jane's well-worn defenses were faltering, but still valiant. She didn't want Maura to see her weaknesses. Unemotionally, "How soon?" Jane was aware that her anger was building with every moment. It felt irrational. It was beyond her control. She just couldn't understand how Maura could ruin her, them, this way.

"Within an hour or two, based on what she said last." Maura reached for her ring and began to twirl the shiny circle around her finger. Neither woman knew what would come of the discussions with Doctor Swen. Maura wanted Jane to be healed. Jane wanted answers, the sooner, the better.

Jane turned back to her notebook and continued writing. Maura made the coffee.

Jane wanted to get all the words down before she got confused again and before the doctor arrived. Every question she committed to that notebook raised more questions. Suddenly, Jane couldn't seem to write fast enough. So much doubt and humiliation oozing from every word she wrote, she started to press down too hard on the paper and the pen broke through to the next page.

Maura finished making the coffee and started to walk back toward the bedroom, not wanting to distract Jane from her task. Jane seemed intense. Before Maura could leave the room, Jane frustratedly ripped a page from the notebook and started blurting out questions. "Why? Why Maura, Why did you do this? Do you actually love me, Maura, or were you just following orders? Why did you let me touch you? Pity?" Jane was up and facing Maura from the distance between the living room and the kitchen. She couldn't help herself from exploding and sliced even deeper with her words. Her voice broke, "Or was it just a game of doctor?" Jane's most cruel ability to destroy with words was cutting Maura. Tears poured from Jane's eyes. Maura could only stand frozen, unable to respond to the barrage.

Jane was up and gesticulating while she paced in the small living room. Maura was held in her spot in the kitchen not knowing how to even begin.

Becoming even more agitated that Maura hadn't verbalized a response, Jane practically screamed, "Just go, Maura, I'll just have to figure this out on my own when the doctor gets here."

Jane stewed on her own words while she waited. She didn't ever want to hurt Maura, but here she was, destroying the love of her life.

Stunned, Maura edged herself out of that space. Once she made it past the threshold to the bedroom, she closed the door and collapsed on the floor. She fought to keep her cries subdued. Maura had been crushed into tiny pieces. She hid out in the bedroom waiting for the doctor.

An hour of silence in that house had passed and finally, there was a knock at the door.

_Whew! ok, so I understand many of you hate me about now. I'm not gonna apologize, it's always darkest before the dawn, right? Gotta make 'em feel all the pain so if/when they do find a way past this, it will be all the sweeter. _

_So Finally, we will get to meet this doctor, I mean, what the heck is with her, right? _

_I am promising a bright light will come. _


	18. Chapter 18, I Present, Dr Rachel Swen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch18, I Present, Dr. Rachel Swen

The doctor stood outside the door. Her long, loosely curled, light blonde hair was blowing around her face as she waited. She'd cancelled many important appointments to see Jane and to help Maura who was feeling very upset at all that had happened. The doctor intended to guide Jane back to confidence in her memory as well as confidence in Maura. The truth of it all was that with Jane's memory returning as it already had, her only real mission was to assess Jane's current emotional condition and give her the tools to manage her ailment. She would help Jane to understand what had happened to her. Lastly, she felt the need to help her know that Maura's actions were from the purest form of love.

Jane stood at the knock, knowing it was finally time, she steadily made her way to open the door. She looked down at her clothing, regretting not dressing for the doctor's arrival. She smoothed the wrinkles in her cotton t-shirt. In the hour since her uncharacteristically emotional and brutal verbal assault of Maura, Jane had come down and concluded she really needed help. She needed to understand to get past what had happened to her. She needed to never talk to Maura like she just did, ever again. Jane opened the door.

"Hi." She awkwardly held the door open, Jane wasn't feeling talkative. The stranger standing before her was about to know more about Jane than she really felt comfortable revealing, but knowing she must, Jane felt nervous. So much was on her mind about the way she'd behaved toward Maura, her mixed up memories and what all that's happened meant. She was additionally concerned as to why her emotions and behavior seemed so much out of her control. She reached her hand up and pushed it through her hair. Jane let her eyes walk up from the ground to stop at the doctor's face. Dr. Swen's incredibly blue eyes coupled with the near platinum blonde hair made Jane wonder if the woman was a model as well as a doctor.

"Hi." Grinning widely with her stunningly perfect teeth, and dimples that made her look young, the tiny, forty-ish woman standing outside responded to Jane. "I'm Dr. Rachel Swen, Maura's friend. You must be Jane. I am so glad to finally meet you." She tilted her shoulder to push her bag back as she offered her hand to Jane.

Jane pulled her hand back down from her hair and timidly reached forward to shake the doctor's still gloved hand, "I am Jane, in the flesh. Maura said you'd be here today." She continued to look into the doctor's eyes. The delicately featured doctor was still standing outside in the cold. Jane snapped from a brief trance and offered, "Please, come in. May I help you carry your bags?"

"No, thank you, I only have this one, I'll just be here til the afternoon today." The doctor kept her smile as she stepped into the space Jane made by moving away from the door. She began to remove her scarf as she entered. She admired Jane's striking, handsome features. Dr. Swen knew instantly why Maura was so smitten. Once inside the cottage, she looked around to see the coffee tin on the counter, Jane's tossed papers on the floor and the blanket on the couch. Jane's hair was wild and her eyes were hesitant. Dr. Swen wanted to put Jane at ease right away to start the relationship properly.

As she removed her white cashmere gloves, she started with small talk, "I love this cottage. I hope you've enjoyed your time here. I always find it to be a special escape from the helter-skelter life in the city." Dr. Swen observed Jane who still appeared skittish.

Jane turned her head toward the big window, "Yeah, its nice to be around the waves of the ocean. I've always liked that." Jane's pounding heart began to relax. She could hear in her mind Maura telling her to be polite. Not that Jane needed guidance, beautiful women always brought out the best in Jane. And Dr. Rachel Swen was instantly among the most beautiful women Jane had ever seen. "Dr. Swen, would you like to sit? May I bring you something to drink?"

"Yes, Jane, I might like some water. Do you mind if we talk here? The cabin is small and we don't have many options. Would you prefer to wait for Maura?" The doctor sat on the living room couch and removed her thick woolen jacket and held it on her lap. She waited for Jane's response.

"Maura is in the back, I'll let her know you're here." Jane knew Maura was upset. She felt awful for saying all she'd said. It was something she couldn't stop. "Doctor Swen? Do you mind if we talk a bit before I tell Maura you've arrived?"

"Of course, Jane. I'd like to speak with you alone for a bit, too. What is it?" The doctor had already been filled in before her arrival. She already knew that Jane was upset with Maura as Maura had painfully repeated Jane's words to the doctor on the phone before she arrived. The doctor had a plan and that plan started with working with Jane first about the memory loss, then she intended to help Jane to forgive Maura.

Jane brought the water and handed it to the doctor. Jane started to sit at her usual spot on the opposite end of the couch from the doctor, but opted instead to sit on the chair and brought her blanket to cover her legs after she sat. She was apprehensive but knew she needed this doctor's help. The distance the chair offered gave Jane a little less anxiety. Jane looked at Dr. Swen, trying to put into words all that she was feeling.

The doctor waited a moment too, "Jane, did you have something you wanted to talk about before we bring Maura out?" Dr. Swen wanted Jane to lead the discussion, to be the one in control of the conversation. Jane needed to be put at ease so she'd be more accepting of what the doctor might suggest to her later on.

Jane leaned back and scrubbed her face with her hands before looking again at the doctor. "I know I lost my memory and and I know I believed Maura was my wife." Jane wiggled in her seat and tucked the blanket around her legs. She wanted a shield. "I know that's not true now. I just don't get why Maura had to lie to me. Why didn't she just tell me?" Jane nervously raised her voice as she imparted that last question.

"Jane, can you tell me how you are feeling? Right now, what do you feel?"

"About Maura?" Jane's focus was on the woman she'd hurt so terribly that morning.

"Yes, we can talk about Maura, but right now, I want you to tell me how you feel about your memory loss. What are you experiencing right now? Later on, I'd like you to take me through what you remember before and about Maura, but right now, I want to know how you're feeling and I want you to tell me what you know is real today."

Jane felt like a bottle of pop that had been shaken and the top was about to be removed. She was almost afraid to even start talking about what she was feeling because once she started going, she wasn't sure what was even gonna come out of her mouth. The doctor sensed Jane's hesitation.

"Jane, I understand that when you were knocked unconscious, your brain took a turn and created a world where you believed you and were already married. Do I have this right?"

Jane nodded in the affirmative.

Dr Swen sat up straight and leaned forward toward Jane, keeping eye contact as she spoke, "What you've experienced is a condition called Dissociative Amnesia. It is more common than you might think. You are lucky that your memory has restored itself in a little over two weeks. Some people who experience this type of memory disturbance take months or more to regain their normal memory." Dr. Swen didn't want to overload Jane with medical talk. "Tell me what you're thinking and feeling this morning."

Jane started with the most prominent feelings she felt at that moment. "I feel like I'm not in charge anymore of my own head. That I can't trust my own thoughts. I feel like nothing is solid. Is this what it is to be crazy? If my mind can make up stuff that isn't even real, then how do I even know what is real?" Jane was again raising her voice. She took a breath to compose herself. "I'm feeling terrified that I can't keep my temper any more and I cry, like all the time." She shook her head and covered her eyes with her hands. "I said some terrible things to Maura earlier and I wish I hadn't." Dropping her hands to rest on the blanket, she opened her eyes and frowned back at the doctor. She begged. "I need to know why Maura brought me here and why she," Jane found the topic difficult, "I need to know if Maura did what she did because she loves me for real or if she did it because she was trying to cure me or something from my memory loss. I don't even know what I'm saying." Frustrated, Jane looked away again and studied the fabric of the carpet in the living room to avoid eye contact with the doctor. "Why would she let me keep believing we were married? I feel humiliated. Embarrassed. Like an experiment."

Dr. Swen was surprised at Jane's candor given the discussions with Maura about Jane's tendency to keep her emotions shielded. She decided that Jane's recent emotional changes could be used to her advantage to get to the bottom of what Jane was experiencing at the moment.

"What else, Jane? What else do you feel right now?" The doctor let the silence fill the room to let Jane feel compelled to replace it. She was well-practiced in eliciting feelings from her patients.

After a moment, Jane couldn't help but fill all the empty space with her feelings. She didn't even recognize one of her own very effective interrogation techniques being used on her, "I feel angry and betrayed. I feel like I've been made a fool." Jane gripped the edge of that blanket covering her legs. "I don't understand." Jane's eyes went immediately back to studying the carpet again. "Why couldn't Maura just tell me?"

The doctor hoped to keep the discussion of Maura separate, but Jane was fixated. To Dr. Swen, this question 'why couldn't Maura just tell me?' was a notable revelation. She decided to change her tactics. It seemed now to the doctor, all of this hinged on Maura and what Jane feels toward her.

"Jane, what do you remember before you were knocked out? Now that you've had a few days to process since your memory began to return, and according to Maura, to be majorly intact, what do you remember leading up to the attack?"

"I was chasing a perp. I don't know what you mean."

"I just want to baseline what you were feeling before all this, to understand your frame of mind in the days leading to your head injury, in particular as it relates to Maura."

As much as Jane hated to reveal the private fantasy life she'd been living for the past few years, this was probably the only and best person to talk with. Jane decided to may have to let her deepest, darkest secret out into the universe if she had any hope of reclaiming what was left of her life.

"Dr. Swen, I'm a real mess." Jane pulled her legs up onto the chair under the blanket. "I feel like a freak even telling you this, but I don't even know what I'm doing anymore."

After a pause, "What is it, Jane? What makes you think you feel you're a mess?" The doctor leaned back and made herself less intimidating to Jane by relaxing against the back of the couch as she waited for Jane to explain.

"A few years ago, I started to develop feelings for Maura." Jane shook her head, she couldn't even believe she just said that outloud. "She did something to me. I don't even know, she just walks into a room and makes everything brighter." Again, Jane looked at the carpet. She bit her lip, closed her eyes and shook her head again before she went on, "It's like when I first met her, I felt this connection, like we were meant to be." She pushed her legs back off the chair and put her feet on the floor, she needed to feel a bit more grounded. "Look, I know, she's straight. Well, I thought she was straight. I don't even know…"

The doctor took a drink of the water. Jane was surprisingly open. She let Jane continue without interrupting.

"It's just crazy. So I had this crush, thing, whatever. But the more time I spent with her, the stronger the crush became and I knew that I'd never have a chance to love her or well, that there would ever be a chance that she'd love me back so…" Jane took a breath to pause. Maybe she wasn't ready to tell all this. "This was all years ago, maybe it isn't even anything…" Jane was having a tough time getting it all out. "Doctor Swen, do you mind if I take a break for a bit. I feel like I've said too much already. I don't even know what's right in my head anyway."

The doctor knew to push, "Jane, this is going to be difficult for you regardless of whether we do this now or later. For me to make an assessment and recommendation to you, it's best you try to be as honest with me now as you can." Momentum was hers and she needed Jane to keep talking. "Jane, so you believed Maura could not love you back. How did you respond to that at the time?"

"I hid what I felt, what I feel. I couldn't risk losing her as my friend." Jane exhaled with a forceful puff of air. She winced at the pinching in her rib. She thought she might need her pain medicine, but Maura was in that room. She wasn't ready to face what she'd done to Maura.

The doctor noticed the wince and assumed the rib injury was still painful. "Jane, why would you think Maura would stop being your friend if you told her how you felt?"

Jane looked at her with a contorted face. She thought, only a straight woman would ask that question. "Maura dated men. Maura dates men. I'd never seen her with a woman. She never hinted that she'd date a woman…" Jane's voice trailed off, she did remember Maura suggesting something about a woman on a tv show that she found attractive. And there were the past two weeks that Maura and she shared a bed and more. She shook it off. "Maybe she's not completely straight, but at the time, I assumed she'd never look at me the same way again if I confessed my feelings."

"I understand. Your feelings were strong enough that you were afraid of rejection in addition to losing Maura as your friend." The doctor was pulling this from Jane so Jane could see it all for herself, the feelings, where they came from, how she dealt with them.

"Yes, that's it exactly." Jane started to loosen up a bit with the doctor. This pretty blonde doctor seemed to get it.

"Have you always liked women?" The doctor started to press a bit, to open the door to more.

Jane turned her face directly toward the doctor. "Seriously?"

The doctor raised her eyebrows and nodded her head to Jane. "Yes Jane. Is Maura the only woman you've fallen for?"

Jane paused, another secret of her was about to come out. "Well, no, I've dated women all my life. I've never felt as strongly for any of them. I keep that part of my life private. No one at work knows who I date." She felt that was a partial truth, so in an effort to keep it all on the table, she corrected, "I have been known to date a man from time to time, it keeps the chatter down."

"Chatter?"

"You know, the talk at the station that I 'might' like women. I really hate that people can assume anything."

"So you believe people at the station think you might be a lesbian and you don't like that."

"Yes, who would? I've been teased nearly my whole life. I don't wanna offer up any more ammunition."

"Do you think your concern about being 'outed' at work may have played a part in why you never revealed your feelings for Maura to her?" The doctor held eye contact. This was an important question.

Jane pushed her eyebrows together and initially felt offended, but after she thought for a moment, she did wonder if that played a part. "Do you think I blew it with the only person I've ever truly loved because I'm a chicken?" She lifted her legs back up to the chair and curled them in tightly under the blanket. "Damnit. I'm such an idiot."

"Jane, you are not a chicken, nor are you an idiot. Far from it, you are a woman who fell in love." The doctor looked toward the back of the cottage, toward the bedroom and back again. "You fell in love with your best friend. That happens and can be awkward and frightening. You also happen to have fallen for a co-worker. Also awkward and potentially not in alignment with work policy. You are completely in order being concerned and hesitating to not reveal your feelings given either one of these facts." The doctor stood up and walked over to the window. The sky was still heavily overcast and the waves were foaming. She turned to face the desperately in love confused woman. "Jane, you said earlier that you thought Maura couldn't love you back. Regardless of how you felt about dating someone at your work and letting everyone have the satisfaction to know you date women, how did the idea of Maura potentially not returning your feelings affect you?" The doctor was leading Jane directly to the key to everything. She was known around the world for a reason, she was very good.

That question hit Jane right in the heart. "I.." Jane stuttered. "I internalized everything. Not that I don't do that every day, but this was different. I still spent time with Maura. Wanted to spend time with Maura. It ached so much to be near her, but I couldn't help myself. I had to be near her, whether she'd ever love me back or not. And basically, I just gave in to the idea that she never could. In any case, protecting her became really important. Ridding the city of criminals was the best I could do so noone could hurt her. I intended to work so hard the entire department would become redundant. I just pushed any hope of love for anyone aside and dug deeper into my work." Jane still hadn't revealed the deepest secret to the doctor. She still held that card close to her chest, the one describing the intricate fantasy world she'd created in her mind. Her escape. Her refuge. Her fantastically impossible dream.

"Doctor Swen, this is the part that sounds the most crazy. I started to.." The sound of the bedroom door opening halted the conversation. Both women instantly turned to the source of the sound. Maura was awake.


End file.
